It comes from many places, and many things. For me, for near half a decade, it came from depression and love in turns. I've not had true inspiration for another half a decade after. I wonder if I'll every truly write again, or if the mere passing fancy of it will strike me randomly and flee again.
I started writing last night, though after a page it settled to me being tired. I hope that I can actually write it out, and get it going on a steady stream. After all, I'd hate to let Gerry down and have our collaboration fall apart before its even started.
I suppose I have to find my amusements where I can. I spoke to goreans tonight for the first time in months. Well, Goreans outside of Bobbi that is. It was an interesting conversation to say the least...An Academy based on the etiquette training of the Gorean slave. It could work if done properly.
I sometimes wonder what perverse pleasure I get in talking to some women, especially those whom I know wouldn't look twice at me in the way I want them too. Its interesting though when I do speak to them, and see the look in their eyes as they think, "no way in hell." and I know they see the look in my own which makes their mind whisper, "what if....?"
Who knows. I know that after looking at the erotica I wrote nine years ago, I seriously have to laugh and wonder at what I called "skill" back then. Samples and previews indeed. I now wonder how many people read my works, and thought, "gee, this guy doesn't know shit all." Or if they truly did inspire people to ask for more. I know I wrote my fair share of erotica, sold on commission to those whom requested their fantasies written.
Maybe I'll find inspiration again, some day. I don't know, honestly. But I look forward to it. To the future, and to this bloody migraine that has been jack hammering the inside of my skull since friday.
Peace.
The Zodiak, Out.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
If I only could I'd set the world on fire
Everybody say fuck the world (Fuck em all)
That is about where I am right now. I'm so fuckng glad I am out of here in under two weeks. This is getting to the point of fucking bullshit. When I'm kept up until 2 in the damned morning, whatever, I have lived with that since moving in here. Being woken up at 3 or 4 in the morning is about as bad, but I've tolerated. But now when they fucking keep me up with her screaming like a god damned wanton whore until after 2am, then wake me up at 5am, and THEN wake me up and keep me up, at 9am, that is when I get pissed off.
Sure, she's a welfare rat that finally got cut off, a damned 17yr old tramp with two kids. He's a 28 yr old kid on unemployment with two kids of his own. Oh this household is going to be fun when I leave and am not dumping in half of rent and bills anymore. I don't care anymore. I'm just at the point where I think, from here to when I leave, I will be up bright and early in the mornings to play my music and see who is online. Why the hell not? They do it to me often enough.
So Fuck the world, and fuck em all.
Zodiak, Out.
That is about where I am right now. I'm so fuckng glad I am out of here in under two weeks. This is getting to the point of fucking bullshit. When I'm kept up until 2 in the damned morning, whatever, I have lived with that since moving in here. Being woken up at 3 or 4 in the morning is about as bad, but I've tolerated. But now when they fucking keep me up with her screaming like a god damned wanton whore until after 2am, then wake me up at 5am, and THEN wake me up and keep me up, at 9am, that is when I get pissed off.
Sure, she's a welfare rat that finally got cut off, a damned 17yr old tramp with two kids. He's a 28 yr old kid on unemployment with two kids of his own. Oh this household is going to be fun when I leave and am not dumping in half of rent and bills anymore. I don't care anymore. I'm just at the point where I think, from here to when I leave, I will be up bright and early in the mornings to play my music and see who is online. Why the hell not? They do it to me often enough.
So Fuck the world, and fuck em all.
Zodiak, Out.
Dark Misery
Darkness has consumed my soul
devoured my heart, no longer whole
Darkness has consumed my mind
devoid of feelings for all time
Nothing in life seems real
I live today and do not feel
I can't always rhyme these words
they devour me from within through agony
I think and wonder why I still live
Yet know that in the end I'll die old
I'll be alone and on a deathbed
surrounded by hallucinations
friends that were once friends
and enemies that still wait to harm
loves that were never really there
and hates that rest in true despair
I can't help but wonder why I'm still around
when I know I will run myself into the ground
an unmarked grave and the county's mistake
I am not sure how much more I can take
I know I'll live and move forward somehow
but even as I do I know it will fail
will fall away and drop
and it will destroy all my hopes
my dreams will be forced to stop
So darkness can consume me
and devour my body whole
my heart and soul and mind and body
will be devoid of a living role.
Original By:
Christopher MacLeod
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, I write poetry, and it empties me from the inside. I can't always predict when the mood will strike me, but it is usually when something collides, or my mood randomly drops to ground zero. You know, like when a girl you like, whom knows you like her, starts talking about how much she likes another guy.
But hell, isn't that typical of my life anyways? Its so rare that things fall into place, that I kind of get used to the disappointment. Not everyone knows my inner workings, I can even count them off on one hand: Gerry - whom still has things he can't peg on me. Bobbi - Whom has been inside of my heart and felt the darkest workings of my mind...She knows more about me then any other I believe. Shannon - who was a part of my life and one I protected and held dear...She knew me, but like the Linkin Park song says, "you wouldn't even recognize me anymore, not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end....." She knew me, yet showed her utter ignorance in the end of things. JT - A Brother and a Guardian to me. Yet someone who has slipped in and out of obscurity so often, I wonder how much of me he actually still knows.
I don't even know my inner workings, I am better at knowing the inner workings of others. I rather sit in dark obscurity myself, just drifting in and out of reality like some bad dream, then deal with what I don't want to face. Which is why I was so deep into games as a child, they took reality away and were much easier to deal with, why I did roleplay online when I aged...Yet my distractions are fewer, and I'm slowly sifting through reality, and wonder to myself why I ever bothered avoiding it. Its drab, and solid there is little change in it, it doesn't fluctuate.
Guess I'll just stick to my subtlety and tact when needed, my bluntness when desired, and in the case of this girl I've been interested in, do what I do best....drift into the darkness of my mind and let her slide off to happiness with someone else. Its not really something I'm in the mood to fight for right now.
Peace,
Zodiak, Out.
devoured my heart, no longer whole
Darkness has consumed my mind
devoid of feelings for all time
Nothing in life seems real
I live today and do not feel
I can't always rhyme these words
they devour me from within through agony
I think and wonder why I still live
Yet know that in the end I'll die old
I'll be alone and on a deathbed
surrounded by hallucinations
friends that were once friends
and enemies that still wait to harm
loves that were never really there
and hates that rest in true despair
I can't help but wonder why I'm still around
when I know I will run myself into the ground
an unmarked grave and the county's mistake
I am not sure how much more I can take
I know I'll live and move forward somehow
but even as I do I know it will fail
will fall away and drop
and it will destroy all my hopes
my dreams will be forced to stop
So darkness can consume me
and devour my body whole
my heart and soul and mind and body
will be devoid of a living role.
Original By:
Christopher MacLeod
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, I write poetry, and it empties me from the inside. I can't always predict when the mood will strike me, but it is usually when something collides, or my mood randomly drops to ground zero. You know, like when a girl you like, whom knows you like her, starts talking about how much she likes another guy.
But hell, isn't that typical of my life anyways? Its so rare that things fall into place, that I kind of get used to the disappointment. Not everyone knows my inner workings, I can even count them off on one hand: Gerry - whom still has things he can't peg on me. Bobbi - Whom has been inside of my heart and felt the darkest workings of my mind...She knows more about me then any other I believe. Shannon - who was a part of my life and one I protected and held dear...She knew me, but like the Linkin Park song says, "you wouldn't even recognize me anymore, not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end....." She knew me, yet showed her utter ignorance in the end of things. JT - A Brother and a Guardian to me. Yet someone who has slipped in and out of obscurity so often, I wonder how much of me he actually still knows.
I don't even know my inner workings, I am better at knowing the inner workings of others. I rather sit in dark obscurity myself, just drifting in and out of reality like some bad dream, then deal with what I don't want to face. Which is why I was so deep into games as a child, they took reality away and were much easier to deal with, why I did roleplay online when I aged...Yet my distractions are fewer, and I'm slowly sifting through reality, and wonder to myself why I ever bothered avoiding it. Its drab, and solid there is little change in it, it doesn't fluctuate.
Guess I'll just stick to my subtlety and tact when needed, my bluntness when desired, and in the case of this girl I've been interested in, do what I do best....drift into the darkness of my mind and let her slide off to happiness with someone else. Its not really something I'm in the mood to fight for right now.
Peace,
Zodiak, Out.
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