I'm sitting on one, and I have no idea when, or if it will explode, or how big that explosion will be.
This situation is just waiting for the spark that will ignite the whole thing.
Brigham thinks this is a dictatorship, that is not the case, that was never the case, and it cannot BE the case. We split the rent and the bills evenly three ways. Food is split three ways. This is a democracy. You cannot, under any circumstances, manage THREE people in one household as a dictatorship. It doesn't work when none of them are in a relationship, and none of them hold the upper hand.
This view point is going to cause problems. Bigger problems if it doesn't get shifted to a more appropriate level of stability. The truth is, this isn't a horrible place to be, or a bad situation. What makes it a bad situation is the behavior of those involved.
I've commented before on feeling like an outsider because of the connection Brig and Dani have with each other. However it is more than that. There are times I wonder if Brigham does things with the express purpose of trying to piss me off, or just to irritate me.
There are things in the house that just don't fit, and can't fit, and if they continue on this course, something is going to break, and I pray it isn't me.
Dani gets no respect, Brigham controls her sleep, he makes her cook for him, make the coffee, she does most of the dishes, and he subjugates her. Which, if they were together, or she were a complete submissive, would seem reasonable. However he does it because he knows she won't say no, because she hates conflict, and she doesn't want to fuck up this arrangement, the first time she's lived away from home. If the shit hits the fan, she doesn't want it to be her fault... And yet... I see her as near a breaking point.
I've taken to bringing my MP3 player with me when I have to go in the car with Brig, because he listens to AM 640, a sports talk show. I don't like sports to begin with, and hate talk shows even more (namely because I worked for one for a year when I was younger.... fucking annoying as hell).
And when he does listen to music, it is his own (of course, no argument there), but he doesn't LISTEN to it. He puts it on, skips seven songs, listens to half of another, fast forwards through the rest, listens to the next, switches the CD, repeats the process, then wonders why the CD player malfunctions and spits out an error, and then he goes back to the talk show.
So that is a point of contention for me right there. Of course, I let it go, I have an MP3 player, I can drown out the irritation.
The other reason I avoid going out with him, is that he smokes. Smoking doesn't bother me unless it is excessive, and he is a pack a day smoker. Which if he went outside wouldn't be a big deal, except he smokes inside. The living room smells like an ash tray some days. In the car, he smokes, rolls down his window to do it, and then doesn't put it back up. Now, lets be reasonable, in the summer, or early fall, even the late spring... This would be nice to do. However, late november doing 140 km/h on the high way, the wind that whips in is fucking cold as hell, and hits the back seat full force.
Which, I've been delegated to the back seat because he prefers to have Dani up front. This is of course so he can childishly harass her, and then patronize her for "touching the driver"... the driver that just punched her in the arm, or pinched her tit, or poked her, smacked her, etc... I won't be surpised when this happens one day, and the slight shift he makes on the road causes a collision and fucks us all.
Yes, I'm bitching, yes I have issues, and yes, I've brought some of them up already, and the others will be brought up as well at some point. I need to get them out there and handled and dealt with so that this can work. I can't afford a place on my own, therefore I need to find a happy medium in this to make it work out. I tried hiding away and keeping to myself, this didn't work out because he insists on us interacting regularly to "get along", so that the three of us under one roof isn't merely three random individuals together. I can normally escape this in my room if I simply slip out of the living room when they start their childish behavior.
In any event... I'm taking things in stride and trying to put my mind in order, keep it simple, and let it flow over me without combusting into a conflagoration(sp?) that may or may not shred my mind more than it already is right now.
I need to make an appointment with my doctor and see if he's gotten his act together to get my family medical history, and if not, then get him to push a schedule for a specialist to do the muscle biopsy to finally determine my status with my Muscular Dystrophy.
My writing is turning to shit. It seems every time I try, I hit a block after a few paragraphs, even when I have the outline done up already. I need more information on this world I'm supposed to be writing in... Doing it blind just doesn't work to begin with.
Chandra will be delayed until sometime in the new year. In the mean time I'm watching time pass by and waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
One day at a time, after all, what else can I do?
Cheers,
Chris.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Worst thing to do to yourself
I've a history ripe with conflict, issues, stupidity, stupid mistakes, worse revenge, and more.
In all of this, I think the worst possible thing one could do to themselves, is to detox unaided, and without the slow let down.
I'm impatient, I always have been when it comes to the end results of something. When I know there is an end result, and wish to see that end result, I tend to bull ahead for the ending credits, as opposed to carefully working the meat and potatoes of the activity as it were.
Which means, for me... When I find a drug isn't working, even after I know my body is reliant, and dependant upon the chemical excretions it lets out into my brain... As opposed to lowering my dose slowly, and tapering off of it with little to no side effects, I instead quit cold turkey. Stopping the intake of the ineffective drug, feel fine for two days while it vanishes in my body, and then suffering the shakes, and chills, before moving on to the fever, cold sweats, hot flashes, and extreme discomfort of my body jonesing for something I am no longer giving it, and finally, a weakness that has me laying in bed wondering why I'm not dead yet.
So that has my week planned out for me... Detox'ing off another antidepressant that doesn't help me. My doctor is on vacation, so I can't even make an appointment until next week. Which is a less than pleasing prospect...
I'm also noticing, as I lapse into depression again, with a hermit attitude and less and less desire to actually socialize (which probably is compounded by the fact my household just reminds me that my girl is not here and makes me feel like a third wheel), that I find my desire to interact with people is becoming lower and lower, which is to say my desire to play.
I can't seem to get up the desire to want to play with someone, to want to beat them, to inflict that pain, to bring the agony into their eyes, their sounds, and to make it echo through sweet screams from the tortured. I don't care. I'm back to an indifferent pose where even the screams of pain elicited from a given victim falls upon deaf ears.
Which, given the fact that I've grown so much in the community, and have found enough people to satiate my previous desires in delivering pain, causes some small issue with those who are willing, and some even eager, to play with me. If I can't scrape together the desire to, or the want to, swing a flogger, or a paddle, or pierce flesh with a needle, or my new hose flogger, or a rope flogger, or my club... Than why invite them to play?
On another note, inadequacy almost cost me entertainment tonight. I've been eagerly awaiting the twelfth book of the wheel of time to come to soft cover so I could read it, devour it, and now that it is out, and opportunity arises, my roommate is kind enough to pick it up... I didn't feel like moving today, I still don't while I feel the prozzac draining from me... And she can't find it. I KNOW they have it, I know the stores she has gone to have had it, but she says she can't find it.
It's there, I even called a place she already left to find out, and they had copies. Plenty of them. Now she is at another location claiming she can't find it, but it is there, I know it is there, because even the website claims almost 90 copies available.
I want my book, it will make the shakes and depression at least a little easier to bare. I'm slowly going crazy, and though I've reached that point long ago, I feel the breaking point in my mind shuddering in fear of the confrontation.
In all of this, I think the worst possible thing one could do to themselves, is to detox unaided, and without the slow let down.
I'm impatient, I always have been when it comes to the end results of something. When I know there is an end result, and wish to see that end result, I tend to bull ahead for the ending credits, as opposed to carefully working the meat and potatoes of the activity as it were.
Which means, for me... When I find a drug isn't working, even after I know my body is reliant, and dependant upon the chemical excretions it lets out into my brain... As opposed to lowering my dose slowly, and tapering off of it with little to no side effects, I instead quit cold turkey. Stopping the intake of the ineffective drug, feel fine for two days while it vanishes in my body, and then suffering the shakes, and chills, before moving on to the fever, cold sweats, hot flashes, and extreme discomfort of my body jonesing for something I am no longer giving it, and finally, a weakness that has me laying in bed wondering why I'm not dead yet.
So that has my week planned out for me... Detox'ing off another antidepressant that doesn't help me. My doctor is on vacation, so I can't even make an appointment until next week. Which is a less than pleasing prospect...
I'm also noticing, as I lapse into depression again, with a hermit attitude and less and less desire to actually socialize (which probably is compounded by the fact my household just reminds me that my girl is not here and makes me feel like a third wheel), that I find my desire to interact with people is becoming lower and lower, which is to say my desire to play.
I can't seem to get up the desire to want to play with someone, to want to beat them, to inflict that pain, to bring the agony into their eyes, their sounds, and to make it echo through sweet screams from the tortured. I don't care. I'm back to an indifferent pose where even the screams of pain elicited from a given victim falls upon deaf ears.
Which, given the fact that I've grown so much in the community, and have found enough people to satiate my previous desires in delivering pain, causes some small issue with those who are willing, and some even eager, to play with me. If I can't scrape together the desire to, or the want to, swing a flogger, or a paddle, or pierce flesh with a needle, or my new hose flogger, or a rope flogger, or my club... Than why invite them to play?
On another note, inadequacy almost cost me entertainment tonight. I've been eagerly awaiting the twelfth book of the wheel of time to come to soft cover so I could read it, devour it, and now that it is out, and opportunity arises, my roommate is kind enough to pick it up... I didn't feel like moving today, I still don't while I feel the prozzac draining from me... And she can't find it. I KNOW they have it, I know the stores she has gone to have had it, but she says she can't find it.
It's there, I even called a place she already left to find out, and they had copies. Plenty of them. Now she is at another location claiming she can't find it, but it is there, I know it is there, because even the website claims almost 90 copies available.
I want my book, it will make the shakes and depression at least a little easier to bare. I'm slowly going crazy, and though I've reached that point long ago, I feel the breaking point in my mind shuddering in fear of the confrontation.
Ret Con
Retroactive continuity. The act of changing one event in a character's past in order to change their present situation and all things in between.
What if Peter Parker called in sick to that field trip? What if his uncle hadn't been killed? Etc etc etc.
Comic books, and usually soap operas, do ret coning all the time. They change one thing in the history of a character in order to better fit that character into a scenario of their own choosing.
I had an idea almost a year ago, that retcon would work as the best possible break up strategy. I mean, what better thing to do to end a relationship, than remove the one event that had you two together to begin with? "I'm sorry, girlfriend? We never dated. I never asked you out. I took that moment out of my life. I've been pretty normal this past year, just single... Though had a couple one night stands."
Ret con the moment that changes the events leading up to the present, and you then have a new beginning. This beginning may or may not be accepted by the other party, but if you can truly do it, truly work it out of your mind without animosity or paying attention to memories, you can make an unhealthy living by merely ret conning the bad shit.
So... That being said. I am going to be ret conning my meeting with the puppet. Why? Because she is spending time in my home, and that is a pain in the ass with the current arrangement she and I have (which is to say she hates me, and my intelligence is offended by her stupidity). So I shall retcon it, and this time around, limit my exposure. After all, if she's Brig's and Dani's friend, instead of my friend who I introduced to them, than I have a reason to limit exposure.
Yes, it seems confusing, over-convoluted, and like it would never work. But to be fair, I'm not precisely the most sane person in the world, and more so, I forget what I had for breakfast by the time lunch comes around. That being said, I think I could simply let myself forget why she is such an irritant. This of course comes from knowing that I never read my own journal except to check comments.
Of course, even then, I am sure it is a viable option because I want it to be a viable option, and in the words of dani, I deny your reality and replace it with one of my choosing. Therefore, this reality totally has me not knowing the puppet and not realizing how much of a pain in the ass she can be.
Might make for an amusing month, give or take.
On another note, my current medication for depression is not working. I will have to call to make an appointment to fix that. I need to correct my issues, an if the prozzac isn't working anymore, was it -ever- working? I mean, maybe it was simply chandra that made my life worth while while she was here, and now that she is gone, it complicates everything and... well, yeah.
That is all for now. Night, and cheers.
Chris.
What if Peter Parker called in sick to that field trip? What if his uncle hadn't been killed? Etc etc etc.
Comic books, and usually soap operas, do ret coning all the time. They change one thing in the history of a character in order to better fit that character into a scenario of their own choosing.
I had an idea almost a year ago, that retcon would work as the best possible break up strategy. I mean, what better thing to do to end a relationship, than remove the one event that had you two together to begin with? "I'm sorry, girlfriend? We never dated. I never asked you out. I took that moment out of my life. I've been pretty normal this past year, just single... Though had a couple one night stands."
Ret con the moment that changes the events leading up to the present, and you then have a new beginning. This beginning may or may not be accepted by the other party, but if you can truly do it, truly work it out of your mind without animosity or paying attention to memories, you can make an unhealthy living by merely ret conning the bad shit.
So... That being said. I am going to be ret conning my meeting with the puppet. Why? Because she is spending time in my home, and that is a pain in the ass with the current arrangement she and I have (which is to say she hates me, and my intelligence is offended by her stupidity). So I shall retcon it, and this time around, limit my exposure. After all, if she's Brig's and Dani's friend, instead of my friend who I introduced to them, than I have a reason to limit exposure.
Yes, it seems confusing, over-convoluted, and like it would never work. But to be fair, I'm not precisely the most sane person in the world, and more so, I forget what I had for breakfast by the time lunch comes around. That being said, I think I could simply let myself forget why she is such an irritant. This of course comes from knowing that I never read my own journal except to check comments.
Of course, even then, I am sure it is a viable option because I want it to be a viable option, and in the words of dani, I deny your reality and replace it with one of my choosing. Therefore, this reality totally has me not knowing the puppet and not realizing how much of a pain in the ass she can be.
Might make for an amusing month, give or take.
On another note, my current medication for depression is not working. I will have to call to make an appointment to fix that. I need to correct my issues, an if the prozzac isn't working anymore, was it -ever- working? I mean, maybe it was simply chandra that made my life worth while while she was here, and now that she is gone, it complicates everything and... well, yeah.
That is all for now. Night, and cheers.
Chris.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Two Faced Promises
This entry was meant for the second of november, so forgive the truancy, since I didn’t have internet until now (whenever now is).
Two faced people abound in this world, and sometimes it is simple courtesy, politeness that drives them to turn the other cheek, to simply say nothing if they have nothing nice to say. Some people are open manipulators, that merely say nothing because they feel they can benefit from the silence.
I don’t appreciate the latter kind of those people. To speak of someone behind their back is one thing, but to refuse to admit your feelings to their face? That is a whole new ball game that I just find distasteful.
To confront someone and tell them what you think of them, after many conversations with other people to see that the feeling is not alone in my mind, and to have that opinion open and out there on my end… And then to have all of those people refute any knowledge because of a hot body…? What is the point?
It is this behavior which drives me mad, drives me to the edge of reasoning, not wanting to be near these people. To hear words of one, “I don’t want to touch her… ew” and then watch her openly maul her, biting, fondling her, playing with her. To have someone say, “I don’t want to be with her like that.” And then know they are in bed together for the night when she has her own bed in the home? Where the fuck is the honesty? Where the hell is the integrity??
I am honest on a consistent basis. I am open on my opinion of others, I am straight forward about it. If you ask, and sometimes even if you don’t ask, I will tell you what I think of you. I will tell you I think you are ignorant, I will tell you I think you are shallow, naïve, gullible, stupid, childish, deceitful, and a bad person for the choices you make in life. I will do this because I don’t believe in deceiving someone when there is an obvious way to simply offer them an out.
Other people apparently don’t agree with this simple and rather honest approach. In my living room now as I write this, in my home as I write this, with my two roommates in the next room… Yes, two roommates. As of yesterday, I live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere with two people I met from the community in the past four months.
They are good people, though the current situation lends itself to simple stress and bull shit. Which is to say, right now, in the living room, they are with the puppet. The puppet which, last I checked… I insulted, told she was worthless, naïve, and… well, just look above, all of that shit above? I said that and a lil more. She stalked from my home in an outrage, and despite this, was back later on that night. Even spent the night, what the fuck?
And she didn’t do this because I invited her back, no, I’d never be so foolish as to invite someone back into my home after telling her how useless and worthless she is, and that the sooner she realizes that she is a worthless hypocrite, the sooner she might actually have some worth. No, one of my new roommates took her back to my place. Even called me from the car, saying, “I’m on my way back with the retard.”
Why? To what end? To get laid? She is attractive, and that is undeniable, but she has nothing between her ears. She has no real personal skills, and she has no morals when it comes to the love of others, at least none that make any sense but to the most deranged. Not to mention she may or may not have an STD. This is speculation with basis in fact, though one that can’t be proven until she either 1) gets tested, or 2) one of my new roommates suddenly comes out with an outbreak of warts.
I’m frustrated, yes. I’m in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I have no car, no transportation, no hobby, no internet. What the –fuck- can one do out in the country with no neighbors, town, or activity? Well, the simple answer is, I suppose I write. Like I am right now, against the eventuality of getting my internet back.
It isn’t my place to say what I should or should not accept. I am an open person. I do not judge on the actions or desires of other people. I do not judge that a friend has a sexual interest in dogs… I do not judge that another prefers children (though has never acted on it). I do not judge a friend with a desire to literally crucify someone for the pleasure of the pain it would cause. I don’t judge those who want nothing to do with me because of my poor attitude and superiority complex. I have no reason to judge anyone.
Admittedly, I do judge people on their nature, merely not their actions. I’ve rarely been wrong about a person in over a decade of snap judgments and hypothesis. I see a person, I learn who they are within a short period of time, and I know whether I will like them or not, how much I can tolerate them, and usually the level of deceit to which they will give over to accomplishing before the end of it is reached. I don’t brag about this, but I do openly admit that I can do it, it is merely there like athletic ability in others.
They are having breakfast now, and my mood, turning dark from the previous night’s happenings, I find myself without an appetite, though I’ve not eaten since yesterday afternoon, and I was hungry when I went to bed. I have no interest in any of it, any of them. Not today at least. With some luck circumstance will change and this will improve itself.
On to the technicalities; I’ve moved. The house hunt went very poorly and we had to come to a fall back point. A house run by a couple of kinksters in the area. It is a fair distance from barrie (about a 70 minute drive or more), and though the living area and one of the bedrooms is a decent size, my room is 89” by 105”. I did the measurements last night. The bathroom is actually slightly bigger than this room is.
And in the room is my bed, my desk, my computer, my air conditioner, and my clothes. My clothes are in a suitcase, which will have to be the norm, because quite honestly, I can’t AFFORD to use space for clothing anywhere else. I find this situation hopeless on a few levels. But this is not to speculate on right now, there will be time for that in the future.
I miss my heart. Chandra says she wants to try and come back to Canada around the end of the year, instead of in the spring. This is something I can whole heartedly approve. Yet even as I approve of it, which I certainly do, the issue of room within this room, this apartment, raises a couple concerns. She has much more clothing than I have, much more belongings, and I have no closet, no dresser, nothing.
We are thinking of installing shelves along the walls. That may help immensely in making this place a little more livable, and if such is done, with some containers on said shelves, or even drawers, I am sure there would be ample room for my slave’s belongings when she comes.
I’ve little else to speak of right now, but that is the idea of what is happening. I will have this posted as soon as a connection is available, which would be, to you… well, now. But to me, that is still in the future. You may expect a couple posts at once if such is the case.
Cheers,
Chris
Two faced people abound in this world, and sometimes it is simple courtesy, politeness that drives them to turn the other cheek, to simply say nothing if they have nothing nice to say. Some people are open manipulators, that merely say nothing because they feel they can benefit from the silence.
I don’t appreciate the latter kind of those people. To speak of someone behind their back is one thing, but to refuse to admit your feelings to their face? That is a whole new ball game that I just find distasteful.
To confront someone and tell them what you think of them, after many conversations with other people to see that the feeling is not alone in my mind, and to have that opinion open and out there on my end… And then to have all of those people refute any knowledge because of a hot body…? What is the point?
It is this behavior which drives me mad, drives me to the edge of reasoning, not wanting to be near these people. To hear words of one, “I don’t want to touch her… ew” and then watch her openly maul her, biting, fondling her, playing with her. To have someone say, “I don’t want to be with her like that.” And then know they are in bed together for the night when she has her own bed in the home? Where the fuck is the honesty? Where the hell is the integrity??
I am honest on a consistent basis. I am open on my opinion of others, I am straight forward about it. If you ask, and sometimes even if you don’t ask, I will tell you what I think of you. I will tell you I think you are ignorant, I will tell you I think you are shallow, naïve, gullible, stupid, childish, deceitful, and a bad person for the choices you make in life. I will do this because I don’t believe in deceiving someone when there is an obvious way to simply offer them an out.
Other people apparently don’t agree with this simple and rather honest approach. In my living room now as I write this, in my home as I write this, with my two roommates in the next room… Yes, two roommates. As of yesterday, I live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere with two people I met from the community in the past four months.
They are good people, though the current situation lends itself to simple stress and bull shit. Which is to say, right now, in the living room, they are with the puppet. The puppet which, last I checked… I insulted, told she was worthless, naïve, and… well, just look above, all of that shit above? I said that and a lil more. She stalked from my home in an outrage, and despite this, was back later on that night. Even spent the night, what the fuck?
And she didn’t do this because I invited her back, no, I’d never be so foolish as to invite someone back into my home after telling her how useless and worthless she is, and that the sooner she realizes that she is a worthless hypocrite, the sooner she might actually have some worth. No, one of my new roommates took her back to my place. Even called me from the car, saying, “I’m on my way back with the retard.”
Why? To what end? To get laid? She is attractive, and that is undeniable, but she has nothing between her ears. She has no real personal skills, and she has no morals when it comes to the love of others, at least none that make any sense but to the most deranged. Not to mention she may or may not have an STD. This is speculation with basis in fact, though one that can’t be proven until she either 1) gets tested, or 2) one of my new roommates suddenly comes out with an outbreak of warts.
I’m frustrated, yes. I’m in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I have no car, no transportation, no hobby, no internet. What the –fuck- can one do out in the country with no neighbors, town, or activity? Well, the simple answer is, I suppose I write. Like I am right now, against the eventuality of getting my internet back.
It isn’t my place to say what I should or should not accept. I am an open person. I do not judge on the actions or desires of other people. I do not judge that a friend has a sexual interest in dogs… I do not judge that another prefers children (though has never acted on it). I do not judge a friend with a desire to literally crucify someone for the pleasure of the pain it would cause. I don’t judge those who want nothing to do with me because of my poor attitude and superiority complex. I have no reason to judge anyone.
Admittedly, I do judge people on their nature, merely not their actions. I’ve rarely been wrong about a person in over a decade of snap judgments and hypothesis. I see a person, I learn who they are within a short period of time, and I know whether I will like them or not, how much I can tolerate them, and usually the level of deceit to which they will give over to accomplishing before the end of it is reached. I don’t brag about this, but I do openly admit that I can do it, it is merely there like athletic ability in others.
They are having breakfast now, and my mood, turning dark from the previous night’s happenings, I find myself without an appetite, though I’ve not eaten since yesterday afternoon, and I was hungry when I went to bed. I have no interest in any of it, any of them. Not today at least. With some luck circumstance will change and this will improve itself.
On to the technicalities; I’ve moved. The house hunt went very poorly and we had to come to a fall back point. A house run by a couple of kinksters in the area. It is a fair distance from barrie (about a 70 minute drive or more), and though the living area and one of the bedrooms is a decent size, my room is 89” by 105”. I did the measurements last night. The bathroom is actually slightly bigger than this room is.
And in the room is my bed, my desk, my computer, my air conditioner, and my clothes. My clothes are in a suitcase, which will have to be the norm, because quite honestly, I can’t AFFORD to use space for clothing anywhere else. I find this situation hopeless on a few levels. But this is not to speculate on right now, there will be time for that in the future.
I miss my heart. Chandra says she wants to try and come back to Canada around the end of the year, instead of in the spring. This is something I can whole heartedly approve. Yet even as I approve of it, which I certainly do, the issue of room within this room, this apartment, raises a couple concerns. She has much more clothing than I have, much more belongings, and I have no closet, no dresser, nothing.
We are thinking of installing shelves along the walls. That may help immensely in making this place a little more livable, and if such is done, with some containers on said shelves, or even drawers, I am sure there would be ample room for my slave’s belongings when she comes.
I’ve little else to speak of right now, but that is the idea of what is happening. I will have this posted as soon as a connection is available, which would be, to you… well, now. But to me, that is still in the future. You may expect a couple posts at once if such is the case.
Cheers,
Chris
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Cruelty Without Cause
I know, one should not inflict suffering upon others without a true cause to back it up. Without a reason for the suffering.
I'm not one. I'm me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I pride myself in being an asshole, and more so, pride myself in my ability to alienate people when they no longer suit my need or purposes.
This of course doesn't necessarily mean that what I do is done because I don't want people around, nor even that they deserve it, but I like to see how many buttons I can push before someone walks away. When someone is merely an option, why not test the levels of that option?
I remember something about not letting someone be a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs. But what do you do when everyone is an option in your life? With very few exceptions anyways... Chandra is obviously a priority.
But the puppet is an option, was an option, is? was? Whatever.... I guess I'll know if she comes crawling back for more. I was far from kind to her today. I was actually surprised she even showed up today, wanting to play. I was more shocked when she didn't say she never wanted to see me again after the play. Though of course calling someone immature, stupid, narcissistic, and worthless, can have varying degrees of affect on a person.
Personally, it was satisfying to me, to do the reality bitch slap. I tend to be good at those. Though she is so lost in her own little world, she likes to deny that anything I said was true.
Cass.... Now there's something that confuses me as much as it intrigues me. She's submissive, but likes to be in control of her environment and take advantage of those weaker... Such a thing is what brands a "Switch" in the lifestyle. People who are weak themselves, but like to torment the weaker. It doesn't make them dominant, just makes them strong willed.
I know there can be argument for it on either side, and though I am open to learning and being corrected in many things, my opinion of the Switch in the BDSM lifestyle, is something I am closed on. I have my views, and they've yet to be proven wrong to me, and I don't care if someone thought it was. Yes, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... Shut up.
Anyways! Cass... She is an intelligent woman, and a great conversationalist. She makes delicious sounds when tormented, and there are ways I can break her down into small pieces and built her back up, that I just can't do with another. She's so into actually exploring her borders, that she has none right now. Further, she has a true slave's soul. She gleans pleasure from my pleasure, even if my pleasure is gleaned from her misery.
That is something she would probably try to deny, but I've been around the block enough to know what I'm looking at.
She believes I need her, and she believes she needs me. She is hunting for validation within my existence, that she and I may be two halves of a different whole. She knows my standpoint with chandra, she knows my opinion of other play partners, and she accepts all of this.
Sadly, she is wrong on my need for her. I can find someone to beat the ass of almost anywhere in this city. I can find plenty of play partners from extremists to sensation players... I can get anything from simple play to sex and back without near the effort I'd have had to put in even a year ago.
I have no issues with having her around, the play is enjoyable, the conversation unique, and the depth of philosophical and spiritual understanding is sublime. None of this equates to need, merely interest. I may have a void within me, and I may be trying to fill it, but I hardly need anyone to fill it for me, no one -can- fill it for me except one. And she is in the states right now with family.
The house hunt failed. Everything has collapsed on us and around us, so we have a two bedroom we are moving into, the three of us. It will make it cheap, puts dani on the couch, or in Brig's room... We'll winter there and look for a place around february or march. Sadly, it determines my plans for the winter in saving money and preparing for a second move. Which irritates me to no end.
One thing leads to another, and there is always a fall back plan, but sometimes, the fall back plan doesn't work the way you want it to... I'll live though.
Cheers,
Chris.
I'm not one. I'm me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I pride myself in being an asshole, and more so, pride myself in my ability to alienate people when they no longer suit my need or purposes.
This of course doesn't necessarily mean that what I do is done because I don't want people around, nor even that they deserve it, but I like to see how many buttons I can push before someone walks away. When someone is merely an option, why not test the levels of that option?
I remember something about not letting someone be a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs. But what do you do when everyone is an option in your life? With very few exceptions anyways... Chandra is obviously a priority.
But the puppet is an option, was an option, is? was? Whatever.... I guess I'll know if she comes crawling back for more. I was far from kind to her today. I was actually surprised she even showed up today, wanting to play. I was more shocked when she didn't say she never wanted to see me again after the play. Though of course calling someone immature, stupid, narcissistic, and worthless, can have varying degrees of affect on a person.
Personally, it was satisfying to me, to do the reality bitch slap. I tend to be good at those. Though she is so lost in her own little world, she likes to deny that anything I said was true.
Cass.... Now there's something that confuses me as much as it intrigues me. She's submissive, but likes to be in control of her environment and take advantage of those weaker... Such a thing is what brands a "Switch" in the lifestyle. People who are weak themselves, but like to torment the weaker. It doesn't make them dominant, just makes them strong willed.
I know there can be argument for it on either side, and though I am open to learning and being corrected in many things, my opinion of the Switch in the BDSM lifestyle, is something I am closed on. I have my views, and they've yet to be proven wrong to me, and I don't care if someone thought it was. Yes, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... Shut up.
Anyways! Cass... She is an intelligent woman, and a great conversationalist. She makes delicious sounds when tormented, and there are ways I can break her down into small pieces and built her back up, that I just can't do with another. She's so into actually exploring her borders, that she has none right now. Further, she has a true slave's soul. She gleans pleasure from my pleasure, even if my pleasure is gleaned from her misery.
That is something she would probably try to deny, but I've been around the block enough to know what I'm looking at.
She believes I need her, and she believes she needs me. She is hunting for validation within my existence, that she and I may be two halves of a different whole. She knows my standpoint with chandra, she knows my opinion of other play partners, and she accepts all of this.
Sadly, she is wrong on my need for her. I can find someone to beat the ass of almost anywhere in this city. I can find plenty of play partners from extremists to sensation players... I can get anything from simple play to sex and back without near the effort I'd have had to put in even a year ago.
I have no issues with having her around, the play is enjoyable, the conversation unique, and the depth of philosophical and spiritual understanding is sublime. None of this equates to need, merely interest. I may have a void within me, and I may be trying to fill it, but I hardly need anyone to fill it for me, no one -can- fill it for me except one. And she is in the states right now with family.
The house hunt failed. Everything has collapsed on us and around us, so we have a two bedroom we are moving into, the three of us. It will make it cheap, puts dani on the couch, or in Brig's room... We'll winter there and look for a place around february or march. Sadly, it determines my plans for the winter in saving money and preparing for a second move. Which irritates me to no end.
One thing leads to another, and there is always a fall back plan, but sometimes, the fall back plan doesn't work the way you want it to... I'll live though.
Cheers,
Chris.
Monday, October 25, 2010
When it rains, it pours
So less than a week to go for myself to find a new place to live. The hunt actually is going decently.
That aside, things have, as they always do, complicated themselves. Something that I of course brought upon myself. I am not complaining, merely laying it out there because I can, because I want to, because if I don't, I'm going to slam someone's thick skull against a bed of concrete repetitively until they stop struggling.
ANYWAYS
So I have my heart... Who I talk to on the phone, whom I spent four perfect months with, who is a part of my soul and being and will always be there with me, for me, and close to me. That is chandra, she is my all... As hard as that is to admit at times, I love her more than life and death.
My puppet... a play partner who enjoys to be moved and used as a puppet. She has a fantastic body, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box, but the way she looks makes up for it... And she can still be interesting despite that. This however, is a chapter that seems about to close, literally, as I type.
A new play partner. A unique woman, cass.... Introduced to me via another friend. Someone who is in barrie every other week, and looking to explore the darker sides of her mind. I am of course an ideal person for such explorations. My mind, my skills, and my interests are unique in that aspect, and always lend themselves to the more extreme.
Notso... My sweet little extreme masochist. A friend only, and not really mine, but so much fun to play with. She squirms, moans, and whimpers... And then the warm up finishes and she becomes a girl with attitude. Snarky, witty, and very funny. Beating her is a pleasure on so many levels. I can watch color bloom in her ass, her thighs, her back, I can watch the blood break towards the surface, I can watch the look on her face as she cries out with each strike, and I can laugh my ass off as she makes nonsensical comments, spins around to poke the air where I was moments before, and curses me out. Play with notso is a joy to behold, and actually makes me work for it.
There are others in my life, others whom I'm involved with, who I play with, tease, torment, flirt with, work around, teach, mentor, protect.
However, something that everyone seems to miss, is the priorities in my life. My well being (not physical, but financial and a place to live) is my top priority. My brat, the woman who has changed my life, is my next top priority. I am my third priority. Under that is a jumble of, literally, everyone else.
If I play with you, if I call you friend, if I speak with you, if we interact regularly, you are not a priority in my life, you are an option. The level of that option differs from person to person, never think you are inconsequential, but please, don't think I love you, or care about you, or need you.
I am who I am because of where I have been, what I have done, and who I have encountered. There are entire chapters in my life, of people I knew, was involved with, and who were in my life, that have simply been -cut out- of my existence. My MSN list, until these past two months, was under twenty people. Five years ago, my MSN list had over 300 people.
I will cut people from my life if they become a bad influence, if they show themselves to be unworthy, if they simply try and use me, if they become two faced, if they see me as a passing fancy... After all, if I'm a minor option in their life, and they in mine, why continue the farce?
I have, and will do this if it becomes necessary. Gerry owes me over $200, money I will never see because of his disrespectful attitude. Him, I cared for. I bent over backwards for him, and did all I could whenever I could to make life easier for him, because I loved him as I would a brother. His response to this was to use me, to abuse my kindness, and to fuck me over at his earliest convenience. He was cut from my life, and is barely a passing thought except of earlier memories.
That being said... being slighted is not something I worry about, being left out of plans, or intentionally being told, "no" does not bother me. There is a WhiteWolf game run on tuesday nights that I was once part of, but the general consensus was my removal. Despite these people calling me "friend" and speaking behind my back, I walked away without worry. I am not insulted, bothered, or concerned with it, it merely happens.
When plans are laid out though, a week in advance, and those plans end up cancelled, shifted away from what they should be, and those involved make new plans, without so much as a "sorry, you're not welcome to this event." that bothers me.
Why make plans if you intend to change the invited parties, and the location? Why bother in the beginning? And why hold such disregard and lack of respect for a person that was involved to not even tell them they are being cut out? I'd have been fine with that, but to have it done around me, and to then have it thrown in my face? Does not make for a happy Man.
So I let them go. I cannot play with someone who would show such a lack of respect, and such small regard for someone they claim to respect themselves. I can be friends with almost anyone, it doesn't take much to stomach the presence of someone of lower intelligence, or inferior appearace, or subpar wit in order to stave off loneliness, but it takes at least respect to be intimate with someone with play.
So I let the strings of the puppet go. She'll not have an issue in finding someone else to pick them up, I'm sure. But it will not be me.
Cheers,
Chris.
That aside, things have, as they always do, complicated themselves. Something that I of course brought upon myself. I am not complaining, merely laying it out there because I can, because I want to, because if I don't, I'm going to slam someone's thick skull against a bed of concrete repetitively until they stop struggling.
ANYWAYS
So I have my heart... Who I talk to on the phone, whom I spent four perfect months with, who is a part of my soul and being and will always be there with me, for me, and close to me. That is chandra, she is my all... As hard as that is to admit at times, I love her more than life and death.
My puppet... a play partner who enjoys to be moved and used as a puppet. She has a fantastic body, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box, but the way she looks makes up for it... And she can still be interesting despite that. This however, is a chapter that seems about to close, literally, as I type.
A new play partner. A unique woman, cass.... Introduced to me via another friend. Someone who is in barrie every other week, and looking to explore the darker sides of her mind. I am of course an ideal person for such explorations. My mind, my skills, and my interests are unique in that aspect, and always lend themselves to the more extreme.
Notso... My sweet little extreme masochist. A friend only, and not really mine, but so much fun to play with. She squirms, moans, and whimpers... And then the warm up finishes and she becomes a girl with attitude. Snarky, witty, and very funny. Beating her is a pleasure on so many levels. I can watch color bloom in her ass, her thighs, her back, I can watch the blood break towards the surface, I can watch the look on her face as she cries out with each strike, and I can laugh my ass off as she makes nonsensical comments, spins around to poke the air where I was moments before, and curses me out. Play with notso is a joy to behold, and actually makes me work for it.
There are others in my life, others whom I'm involved with, who I play with, tease, torment, flirt with, work around, teach, mentor, protect.
However, something that everyone seems to miss, is the priorities in my life. My well being (not physical, but financial and a place to live) is my top priority. My brat, the woman who has changed my life, is my next top priority. I am my third priority. Under that is a jumble of, literally, everyone else.
If I play with you, if I call you friend, if I speak with you, if we interact regularly, you are not a priority in my life, you are an option. The level of that option differs from person to person, never think you are inconsequential, but please, don't think I love you, or care about you, or need you.
I am who I am because of where I have been, what I have done, and who I have encountered. There are entire chapters in my life, of people I knew, was involved with, and who were in my life, that have simply been -cut out- of my existence. My MSN list, until these past two months, was under twenty people. Five years ago, my MSN list had over 300 people.
I will cut people from my life if they become a bad influence, if they show themselves to be unworthy, if they simply try and use me, if they become two faced, if they see me as a passing fancy... After all, if I'm a minor option in their life, and they in mine, why continue the farce?
I have, and will do this if it becomes necessary. Gerry owes me over $200, money I will never see because of his disrespectful attitude. Him, I cared for. I bent over backwards for him, and did all I could whenever I could to make life easier for him, because I loved him as I would a brother. His response to this was to use me, to abuse my kindness, and to fuck me over at his earliest convenience. He was cut from my life, and is barely a passing thought except of earlier memories.
That being said... being slighted is not something I worry about, being left out of plans, or intentionally being told, "no" does not bother me. There is a WhiteWolf game run on tuesday nights that I was once part of, but the general consensus was my removal. Despite these people calling me "friend" and speaking behind my back, I walked away without worry. I am not insulted, bothered, or concerned with it, it merely happens.
When plans are laid out though, a week in advance, and those plans end up cancelled, shifted away from what they should be, and those involved make new plans, without so much as a "sorry, you're not welcome to this event." that bothers me.
Why make plans if you intend to change the invited parties, and the location? Why bother in the beginning? And why hold such disregard and lack of respect for a person that was involved to not even tell them they are being cut out? I'd have been fine with that, but to have it done around me, and to then have it thrown in my face? Does not make for a happy Man.
So I let them go. I cannot play with someone who would show such a lack of respect, and such small regard for someone they claim to respect themselves. I can be friends with almost anyone, it doesn't take much to stomach the presence of someone of lower intelligence, or inferior appearace, or subpar wit in order to stave off loneliness, but it takes at least respect to be intimate with someone with play.
So I let the strings of the puppet go. She'll not have an issue in finding someone else to pick them up, I'm sure. But it will not be me.
Cheers,
Chris.
Friday, October 22, 2010
SNAFU
Situation normal... All fucked up.
She's been gone just under a week now, and I've kept looking here, thinking I should post, that there's something to be said, something I should say, something that is inside of me requiring release... But it seems every time I have looked to here for an outlet, I find my mind going blank.
I miss her, and want her back in my arms, back at my feet, back in my bed, back with me. Back here. No matter what I do, it is merely a distraction, and not even necessarily a good distraction. Not necessarily a bad one either, just depends on what it is.
I still need to find a place to live. And myself another another lifestyler found a great place for the two of us, but then two more people need a place, so now we are looking for a townhouse for the four of us. Of course, there's a fifth person too that -just- got to the point of needing a place to stay too, so I hav no idea what is happening there. She seems to be taken care of though, and she's greatly liked in the community.
I've been keeping myself distracted. I've read more in the past week than I have in the past three months. I've ripped through two books, and am more than halfway through a third. I've viewed four apartments, none of which are worth a second glance, and now I leave it to Brig to find the place, as he's evidently come up with a rental agent to aid in things.
I've found a new play partner, though play is all it is, if that, at times. I sometimes find myself trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about where I am, and where I'm going. It's not always noticeable, but sometimes my voice gets distant... She says it sounds sad. I'm broken, I know this, and accept it. There are things in my mind that I can't always stop, or smother with false bravado and fake confidence.
Though I do try, rather valiantly, at times, to do just that. I've noticed people looking to me with respect in seeing how I can play, how I am, and I'm glad for that, I like having that respect, being seen as someone who -can- do these things with an equal measure of others around me.
I'm still learning, though. Rope play especially, it seems fun to me, but my rope is limited (5 10' lengths and 1 50' length)... But I'm getting there bit by bit.
I never let things bother me, when they start to, I lose myself in my mind, in the darkness, until I lose the offending statement, action, or situation, and then I come out refreshed and fine. To be told I'm not attractive compared to someone else, that I'm second to that person they just met... Stings. But I can lose it in the darkness like so many other things.
To know that I'm alone without my heart while she's back in the states, hurts like a knife in the heart... But I can still lose it in the darkness no matter how many times it creeps up on me; and by the gods it creeps up a lot.
I can take things in stride, let them come and go and stay and leave at their leisure. I can almost always work through my issues with a level head and clear logical thought. But in the end, it comes down to the same thing. I'm distracting myself, in various manners, and there is no heart in what I do, because it left on a plane five days ago and I won't see my heart until I can go to the states, or april.
Such is life, and I'm not looking for pity. This is who I am, and if you've read this journal long, you know where my venting comes from, and where it goes.
Cheers,
Chris.
She's been gone just under a week now, and I've kept looking here, thinking I should post, that there's something to be said, something I should say, something that is inside of me requiring release... But it seems every time I have looked to here for an outlet, I find my mind going blank.
I miss her, and want her back in my arms, back at my feet, back in my bed, back with me. Back here. No matter what I do, it is merely a distraction, and not even necessarily a good distraction. Not necessarily a bad one either, just depends on what it is.
I still need to find a place to live. And myself another another lifestyler found a great place for the two of us, but then two more people need a place, so now we are looking for a townhouse for the four of us. Of course, there's a fifth person too that -just- got to the point of needing a place to stay too, so I hav no idea what is happening there. She seems to be taken care of though, and she's greatly liked in the community.
I've been keeping myself distracted. I've read more in the past week than I have in the past three months. I've ripped through two books, and am more than halfway through a third. I've viewed four apartments, none of which are worth a second glance, and now I leave it to Brig to find the place, as he's evidently come up with a rental agent to aid in things.
I've found a new play partner, though play is all it is, if that, at times. I sometimes find myself trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about where I am, and where I'm going. It's not always noticeable, but sometimes my voice gets distant... She says it sounds sad. I'm broken, I know this, and accept it. There are things in my mind that I can't always stop, or smother with false bravado and fake confidence.
Though I do try, rather valiantly, at times, to do just that. I've noticed people looking to me with respect in seeing how I can play, how I am, and I'm glad for that, I like having that respect, being seen as someone who -can- do these things with an equal measure of others around me.
I'm still learning, though. Rope play especially, it seems fun to me, but my rope is limited (5 10' lengths and 1 50' length)... But I'm getting there bit by bit.
I never let things bother me, when they start to, I lose myself in my mind, in the darkness, until I lose the offending statement, action, or situation, and then I come out refreshed and fine. To be told I'm not attractive compared to someone else, that I'm second to that person they just met... Stings. But I can lose it in the darkness like so many other things.
To know that I'm alone without my heart while she's back in the states, hurts like a knife in the heart... But I can still lose it in the darkness no matter how many times it creeps up on me; and by the gods it creeps up a lot.
I can take things in stride, let them come and go and stay and leave at their leisure. I can almost always work through my issues with a level head and clear logical thought. But in the end, it comes down to the same thing. I'm distracting myself, in various manners, and there is no heart in what I do, because it left on a plane five days ago and I won't see my heart until I can go to the states, or april.
Such is life, and I'm not looking for pity. This is who I am, and if you've read this journal long, you know where my venting comes from, and where it goes.
Cheers,
Chris.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The last 24 hours.
So, now that I have my power up and running again, I can tell you exactly what has led to me not moving, and debating the utter destruction of something pretty.
Goth_koneko, myself, and a third vanilla friend, were supposed to get a place together, an apartment on the corner of anne and edgehill. Figured it'd fit us well enough, and that it was perfectly affordable. Except the third friend decided to procrastinate past the dead line, not hand in any paper work until way too late, and thus we lost the nice pretty three bedroom apartment on the 15th floor with affordable rent and included hydro... And access to booty.
That was last week. I'd been waiting to hear on it for over a month. So I ended up going head over heels, rushing hardcore to find somewhere else to move, since I gave notice I was moving back in July for this place.
So I hit up rooms for rent for reasonable cost, and found one up in letitia heights. Figured, sure... It's small, cozy, nice house, and the roommate is almost always gone. I'm game. Told him I'd move in today (thursday the 30th). He said that was fine, that he'd have it cleared out early week.
So I called the hydro company, told them I was moving, disconnect on the 1st. Then I called all my bill holders, told em to forward the mail, canceled what needed to be canceled, etc...
So started packing yesterday, got the boxes, booked the U-Haul, got help from a couple friends for today's big move to get it all over with. What happens? I'm woken up at 10am with no hydro. They cut it off two days early. Oops!
I'm thinking, "fine, whatever, I don't fucking care, not dealing with this shit today, I move tomorrow, and it will be fucking DONE." Had to go in to OW to get the intent to rent form and clear something up with my new worker...
Come home, start packing in the waning daylight, buy some candles, light them... And then..... At 8pm at night.... with us packing shit in the pitch black... I get a text message from my soon-to-be roommate, "Hey, sorry to say this, but I rented the room out to someone else. Sorry.".................... So he waited until the day BEFORE I'm scheduled to move in to tell me this.
So my immediate response was to call my land lord, tell them what had happened, ask if it's cool if I crash here another month (with increased rent)... He said it wasn't his call, had to clear it with the missus, who was out playing cards until midnight. Had to wait on that. Got the call around 11:45pm.
Yeah, sure she says... I can stay another month, no problem, if I need to stay longer, let them know. Oh! And a side note, Ken (the husband), has a plumber coming because your toilet is flooding the basement like a mother fucker. Yeah, we didn't want to tell you, figured we'd just fix it after you left. So yeah, he'll be by tomorrow or some such to check it out.
So he shows up at 10am, the place is in chaos because of me being ready to move this morning. He looks around, checks things, sees nothing wrong, but gives me hell for the place being in such disarray, and then bitches me out like the leak to the basement is MY fault. Cuz you know, I knew all about that despite the cellar being locked with a padlock and not having any access to it.
They couldn't get hydro back on until today, about an hour ago, and that was a fucking nightmare to sort out. I still need to change back my address to here for all my bills and well...
Right now the plumbers are working on the toilet to fix whatever the hell is wrong with it, and I'm ready to kill someone.
Yeah... That is the last 24 hours in a nutshell.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Disclaimer
Because I suppose I need one. I'm an asshole, conceited, I have a superiority complex, I'm a sanctimonious prick, I'm holier than thou, I like to think I know everything, I'm opinionated, I can come off as chauvinistic, I can act like I don't care... I am all of this and more, and in the end, I'm ok with it.
Because I'm also loyal, kind, caring, giving, always there to listen, always there to help a friend, always willing to do what I can to make things easier for someone, and almost always willing to help out.
I'm all of this and more. I always tell people to take me with a grain of salt, sometimes a whole box, because the truth of the matter is, I'm hard to get along with, and even harder to like. I don't do it intentionally, but over the years, the defensive mechanism, and the asshole factor, has just kind of built up to formulate this shield of impenetrable ego.
That being said. Take me with a grain of salt, if you have an issue, tell me, even if I act like I don't care, I assure you, I took it to heart, and you'll probably notice the change by the next time we meet. I'm adaptable, and that is where I like to think I excel. I'm an asshole and an egomaniac and a megalomaniac, until I find the proper balance with any given person.
I don't do things for myself, not solely. I prefer to think I'm helping others when I do something, making something easier for them, or putting them towards a goal.
The prime example of this is chandra's smoking. I was under the belief that SHE wanted to quit, not just for me (because kissing an ashtray is nasty), but because she wanted to be healthy, she wanted to be done with it, she didn't want that reliance there. Guess I was wrong.
I don't want to force life changing decisions on people, that isn't how I work, it isn't my style. I may manipulate, connive, and persuade... But I don't force. Forcing her to quit just for me, her wanting to quit just because it bothers me, because she wants to keep smoking, does nothing in the long run, it means the moment she is back home, she'll start smoking again until I come around, and then it starts from scratch all over again. Why bother?
Last night was amazing. It was a great night with great people in the community. I got to witness the level of play of other people, the way they use toys, various other toys, and meet various people of various levels in locally. I loved it.
I got to use a few new toys (an old butter churner-stick, and a horse sweat scrape), and got to see the marks coming up from them from just light play. Hoping to get another shot at it in the future with a lil more than the light stuff. I got to see a paddle, one side broken sea shells and the other side a spiked rubber... Warm up play caused blood. I was in utter awe of it. It looked rather fun.
I even got to see needle play, advanced needle play from someone else, and amateur needle play from someone in the same boat as I'm in, though a little more elaborate than I myself have done. I got to watch a sadist experience some of what he dishes out with a few needles in the arm, and it was fun.
The whole night was full of fun. I got to flog, beat, watch beatings, and just enjoy the social aspect. Of course, not being a smoker, and not being a pot smoker, I didn't get to socialize as much as other people, as the basis seemed to be "talk while outside smoking, or while upstairs toking, and play with some general quiet otherwise." Which can be a lil off putting.
I'm hoping for another shot at it, but that is all in time. I enjoyed last night, enjoyed it more than the play parties hosted here, because simply... It's more fun when it isn't your place.
Ah well... Just need to breathe, relax, and let it wash away. No cutting tonight.
Cheers.
Because I'm also loyal, kind, caring, giving, always there to listen, always there to help a friend, always willing to do what I can to make things easier for someone, and almost always willing to help out.
I'm all of this and more. I always tell people to take me with a grain of salt, sometimes a whole box, because the truth of the matter is, I'm hard to get along with, and even harder to like. I don't do it intentionally, but over the years, the defensive mechanism, and the asshole factor, has just kind of built up to formulate this shield of impenetrable ego.
That being said. Take me with a grain of salt, if you have an issue, tell me, even if I act like I don't care, I assure you, I took it to heart, and you'll probably notice the change by the next time we meet. I'm adaptable, and that is where I like to think I excel. I'm an asshole and an egomaniac and a megalomaniac, until I find the proper balance with any given person.
I don't do things for myself, not solely. I prefer to think I'm helping others when I do something, making something easier for them, or putting them towards a goal.
The prime example of this is chandra's smoking. I was under the belief that SHE wanted to quit, not just for me (because kissing an ashtray is nasty), but because she wanted to be healthy, she wanted to be done with it, she didn't want that reliance there. Guess I was wrong.
I don't want to force life changing decisions on people, that isn't how I work, it isn't my style. I may manipulate, connive, and persuade... But I don't force. Forcing her to quit just for me, her wanting to quit just because it bothers me, because she wants to keep smoking, does nothing in the long run, it means the moment she is back home, she'll start smoking again until I come around, and then it starts from scratch all over again. Why bother?
Last night was amazing. It was a great night with great people in the community. I got to witness the level of play of other people, the way they use toys, various other toys, and meet various people of various levels in locally. I loved it.
I got to use a few new toys (an old butter churner-stick, and a horse sweat scrape), and got to see the marks coming up from them from just light play. Hoping to get another shot at it in the future with a lil more than the light stuff. I got to see a paddle, one side broken sea shells and the other side a spiked rubber... Warm up play caused blood. I was in utter awe of it. It looked rather fun.
I even got to see needle play, advanced needle play from someone else, and amateur needle play from someone in the same boat as I'm in, though a little more elaborate than I myself have done. I got to watch a sadist experience some of what he dishes out with a few needles in the arm, and it was fun.
The whole night was full of fun. I got to flog, beat, watch beatings, and just enjoy the social aspect. Of course, not being a smoker, and not being a pot smoker, I didn't get to socialize as much as other people, as the basis seemed to be "talk while outside smoking, or while upstairs toking, and play with some general quiet otherwise." Which can be a lil off putting.
I'm hoping for another shot at it, but that is all in time. I enjoyed last night, enjoyed it more than the play parties hosted here, because simply... It's more fun when it isn't your place.
Ah well... Just need to breathe, relax, and let it wash away. No cutting tonight.
Cheers.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Drama
I fucking hate drama. I used to love stress filled situations, thrived in them even. It was a thing that I could dive into head first and savor the chaos and hell that was being let loose all around me.
Now though? I fucking hate drama. I'm too old to be dealing with childish bullshit and concerns, petty complaints and issues, or the political drama of, "he said, she said, and she's avoiding him because, and he's mocking her because and and and..."
And who the FUCK cares?
If you have a problem, if you think there is an issue, deal with it. Up front and center, instead of bitching and moaning to anyone with an ear and dragging more people into something that is, quite simply, none of their business.
Drama doesn't come from "you did this and I didn't like it." it comes from, "HE did this and I didn't like it." when you drag other people into a mess, it becomes drama, a whole pile of shit that ends up stirring crap and stress and a major pain in everyone's ass, because EVENTUALLY someone is going to break, and when that happens, sometimes it's too late to shore up the leaks in the hull.
Where does that come from? It comes from learning a new friend who I have an attraction to, who shares my lifestyle and opinions of the world, it comes from figuring out where the two of us stand, and getting the proper setting between us. It comes from her not stepping up and saying what is on her mind. Which is great, fine for a slave, until she vents to someone else and that someone else comes to me, and I have to confront her (after 48 hours of her avoiding me), all to find out the drama was shit we had pretty much already discussed.
That being said... I fucking hate drama.
On another note, I may need to find a new place to live for a month or so, because Devon fucked up and decided to procrastinate on getting the needed information into the management at the apartment, which in turn left Erika and I fucked in the ass because now we may not get it, and the Superintendent is humming and hawing about an actual solution (which is to say giving us the three bedroom or finding us a two bedroom).
So that has made today rather shitty, I don't want to even be up, but the one thing worthwhile at this moment is chandra, and she's leaving in less than a month. Worse, is that I can't go with her, because of bills, problems, and so on so forth.
I'm keeping my head afloat, and once I move, things will get better, but until I move, things are complex and expensive.
I just need to wrap my head around too many things, it seems. I love the way the past week went, and can't wait for a future that is going to do the exact same thing for me, but at the same time, it's something to adapt to.
All in time, and there is a lot to go over and go through.
Cheers,
Chris.
Now though? I fucking hate drama. I'm too old to be dealing with childish bullshit and concerns, petty complaints and issues, or the political drama of, "he said, she said, and she's avoiding him because, and he's mocking her because and and and..."
And who the FUCK cares?
If you have a problem, if you think there is an issue, deal with it. Up front and center, instead of bitching and moaning to anyone with an ear and dragging more people into something that is, quite simply, none of their business.
Drama doesn't come from "you did this and I didn't like it." it comes from, "HE did this and I didn't like it." when you drag other people into a mess, it becomes drama, a whole pile of shit that ends up stirring crap and stress and a major pain in everyone's ass, because EVENTUALLY someone is going to break, and when that happens, sometimes it's too late to shore up the leaks in the hull.
Where does that come from? It comes from learning a new friend who I have an attraction to, who shares my lifestyle and opinions of the world, it comes from figuring out where the two of us stand, and getting the proper setting between us. It comes from her not stepping up and saying what is on her mind. Which is great, fine for a slave, until she vents to someone else and that someone else comes to me, and I have to confront her (after 48 hours of her avoiding me), all to find out the drama was shit we had pretty much already discussed.
That being said... I fucking hate drama.
On another note, I may need to find a new place to live for a month or so, because Devon fucked up and decided to procrastinate on getting the needed information into the management at the apartment, which in turn left Erika and I fucked in the ass because now we may not get it, and the Superintendent is humming and hawing about an actual solution (which is to say giving us the three bedroom or finding us a two bedroom).
So that has made today rather shitty, I don't want to even be up, but the one thing worthwhile at this moment is chandra, and she's leaving in less than a month. Worse, is that I can't go with her, because of bills, problems, and so on so forth.
I'm keeping my head afloat, and once I move, things will get better, but until I move, things are complex and expensive.
I just need to wrap my head around too many things, it seems. I love the way the past week went, and can't wait for a future that is going to do the exact same thing for me, but at the same time, it's something to adapt to.
All in time, and there is a lot to go over and go through.
Cheers,
Chris.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
W...o...w
Not WoW. Just... Wow.... Last night. I can't think of how to describe it. I've not done something like that since.... Since before I left the east coast.
Last night had a slow start, like a bar starting on a shallow slope before hitting the cliff. We woke up, I made apple pie (home made of course), some friends showed up, we went out with them to the mall.
At the mall, chandra went off shopping with one of the girls, I just kind of walked around and chatted with the other. I ended up getting a fedora. Been looking for a decent one since high school, now I have one. It actually looks good on me.
After the mall we hit up hooters for some food, cuz food is a good thing given our end destination for the night was going to be the bar. From hooters, we went to coffee. Coffee was a lot more fun than it normally is, a lot more conversation, more joking around and light hearted banter.
Turns out someone on fetlife is just trolling for a piece of ass... The fact he found it is a lil sad... But alas... She'll learn. It was funny to see how many women at the coffee shop meet that this guy has hit up. In fact, all of them -except- Polaris' girl, had at least one message from the guy.
Not the most subtle.
From coffee, we went to the bar for a couple hours. Decided to leave when the cops showed up, since two of us didn't have our id with them, and didn't feel like being carded despite appearances.
And then...?
Then we all came back here. More drinks, had some shots of rum, some SoCo, the ladies modeled some thongs in the bedroom for each other, while the guys got a feel for each other out in the living room. Established level of Dominance, comfort, relaxed, and got into the swing of what the dynamic was for the night.
I ended up on top of it all. A rarity as I usually take back seat out of choice, being laid back. However one of the two was inexperienced and new to the lifestyle, and the other was on a razor edge between Dom and sub... More someone who likes the control factor, than actually being -in- control. I had little issue with taking the lead, letting things go as they would. I had no expectations of last night.
I think having no expectations, is what made last night so close to heavenly. Four women, three men, three Doms, four submissives, all of them hot and into a good beating.
I got my hands on all of them at one point or another, with flogger and viper tongue, and paddle and cane. I got to tease, torment, and abuse so much delicious flesh last night, that the delirium of the evening didn't even set in until I -woke up- four hours later.
I was able to teach someone inexperienced the use of a flogger, the strike points and how to do it for least issue, wrap around, and most effect. I find it ironic that there was a work shop at CLV for that very thing on saturday, I didn't manage to go (was still passed out from the munch after party/gathering on friday), but knowing how helps a great deal in teaching another (which I do know how).
I'm a very egotistical person, I have a superiority complex etc etc... Nothing I've not made public knowledge a dozen times in the past. It is rare I'm flattered, rare I don't brush off compliments with a, "Yeah. I know, I'm just that awesome."... Last night was... I was actually flattered. I was speechless for some time, and couldn't respond with more than, "thanks....." Why? Because someone said, "I look at you and what you have, and you are what I wish I could be." Wow... I mean... With all my head fucks, issues, and self-worth (or lack there of) views.... I'd never think someone would -admire- what I am, who I am, and what I can do.
I was genuinely and honestly flattered.
So last night was one of the best nights I've had in a very very very very long time. Four sets of perfect, pert tits, four gorgeous asses to lash, four great necks to bite..... Was beyond worth it.
I had other things I wanted to post, about dreams, and spiders, and bizarre happenings in my mind... But after last night there's really only one thing rushing through my head.... When is the next time going to happen??? *grins*
Cheers,
Chris.
Last night had a slow start, like a bar starting on a shallow slope before hitting the cliff. We woke up, I made apple pie (home made of course), some friends showed up, we went out with them to the mall.
At the mall, chandra went off shopping with one of the girls, I just kind of walked around and chatted with the other. I ended up getting a fedora. Been looking for a decent one since high school, now I have one. It actually looks good on me.
After the mall we hit up hooters for some food, cuz food is a good thing given our end destination for the night was going to be the bar. From hooters, we went to coffee. Coffee was a lot more fun than it normally is, a lot more conversation, more joking around and light hearted banter.
Turns out someone on fetlife is just trolling for a piece of ass... The fact he found it is a lil sad... But alas... She'll learn. It was funny to see how many women at the coffee shop meet that this guy has hit up. In fact, all of them -except- Polaris' girl, had at least one message from the guy.
Not the most subtle.
From coffee, we went to the bar for a couple hours. Decided to leave when the cops showed up, since two of us didn't have our id with them, and didn't feel like being carded despite appearances.
And then...?
Then we all came back here. More drinks, had some shots of rum, some SoCo, the ladies modeled some thongs in the bedroom for each other, while the guys got a feel for each other out in the living room. Established level of Dominance, comfort, relaxed, and got into the swing of what the dynamic was for the night.
I ended up on top of it all. A rarity as I usually take back seat out of choice, being laid back. However one of the two was inexperienced and new to the lifestyle, and the other was on a razor edge between Dom and sub... More someone who likes the control factor, than actually being -in- control. I had little issue with taking the lead, letting things go as they would. I had no expectations of last night.
I think having no expectations, is what made last night so close to heavenly. Four women, three men, three Doms, four submissives, all of them hot and into a good beating.
I got my hands on all of them at one point or another, with flogger and viper tongue, and paddle and cane. I got to tease, torment, and abuse so much delicious flesh last night, that the delirium of the evening didn't even set in until I -woke up- four hours later.
I was able to teach someone inexperienced the use of a flogger, the strike points and how to do it for least issue, wrap around, and most effect. I find it ironic that there was a work shop at CLV for that very thing on saturday, I didn't manage to go (was still passed out from the munch after party/gathering on friday), but knowing how helps a great deal in teaching another (which I do know how).
I'm a very egotistical person, I have a superiority complex etc etc... Nothing I've not made public knowledge a dozen times in the past. It is rare I'm flattered, rare I don't brush off compliments with a, "Yeah. I know, I'm just that awesome."... Last night was... I was actually flattered. I was speechless for some time, and couldn't respond with more than, "thanks....." Why? Because someone said, "I look at you and what you have, and you are what I wish I could be." Wow... I mean... With all my head fucks, issues, and self-worth (or lack there of) views.... I'd never think someone would -admire- what I am, who I am, and what I can do.
I was genuinely and honestly flattered.
So last night was one of the best nights I've had in a very very very very long time. Four sets of perfect, pert tits, four gorgeous asses to lash, four great necks to bite..... Was beyond worth it.
I had other things I wanted to post, about dreams, and spiders, and bizarre happenings in my mind... But after last night there's really only one thing rushing through my head.... When is the next time going to happen??? *grins*
Cheers,
Chris.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Bizarre
I never really notice how much I have to write about until I actually start writing, and when I do, it just kind of flows out, and before I know it, I have paragraphs written that didn't even exist in my mind when I started.
I've confirmed with my doctor and my pharmacy that my roommate can pick up my medication and mail it to me if I go to the states with Chandra, which is something I want to do. Which means Erika can mail my pills to me, this simplifies matters greatly for me.
As this has been figured out, over the past week or so, I've been horribly addicted to Pogo games. Monopoly to be exact. I've been playing it rather consistently, with computers, with people, with Chandra... Quite often, in between this she and I watch "our shows"... Which amounts to Leverage (which just ended), True Blood (ending next week), Lie to Me, Weeds, Sons of Anarchy, Criminal Minds... She's watching Bones now, and I may pick it up again when she catches up to me, though I lost most interest around season 4 or 5. Breaking Bad, though not often.... Among other movies.
I've become bored with world of warcraft, and most other video games. I read now and then, am at least getting back into that. I'm further sinking into the local community, and finding myself rather pleased with the insertion of those people into my life.
Admittedly, I see some of them, and though younger than me, I find them mirroring what I used to be like... At least in some ways. I look at one in particular, and see what she has done, is doing, and what she has experienced, and I find myself feeling slightly protective. Not so much because she needs to be protected, or that I am the protective type. More that she made a decision out of anger, and has experienced a great deal of backlash from it... I find people who are so shallow, pathetic, and immature as to thrive on berating a girl for a decision made in haste... to be sad and pathetic individuals. Is there not better things to do than harass a girl that is gone from that life and reflecting on her own experiences? Ah well... silly silly people.
I'm exhausted tonight, but am trying to stay awake in order to keep a semi-regulated schedule. I believe I'll read a chapter or two of my book before I pass out... Speaking of books, Book 12 of the wheel of time finally comes out in soft cover on the 28th of september, only for book 13 to come out in november. So end of september I'll FINALLY get my hands on the Gathering Storm, and be able to read it as I own it, and a month and change later, I'll have the next book taunting me. I may just say fuck it and buy the damned thing in hard cover. I want to read it all, there's only one more coming out after this.
I wrote a bit, a sample for someone that wants me to ghost write a chapter for them in a book. A combat scene. It flows so naturally, but I lose interest so quickly, which is one of the extremely bothersome things about me and writing. I need the block to vanish... It is the worst thing ever... Right above being told I'm depressed because I'm fat.
Ah well... Time to read, then sleep, then harass her when she comes to bed, then sleep more, then wake up, then get my hair cut, then try and find a meter/yard stick for the Munch gathering tomorrow night, then eat, then bake cookies for the munch, then go to the munch, then keep Sicx from drinking more than one, then enjoy myself... Those last two will probably be simultaneous, then come home, then beat Chandra in her school girl outfit, or rape her, or both, or neither, or... Well... whatever... Then sleep, and then wake up, then shop for grocery, then...er... well... that is going into saturday. I don't know what is happening saturday. There's a barbecue at an acquaintances place, but I really don't know if I want to bother to attend an event where the only people I know are rather condescending towards me. At the same time, there's a university course thing for kink stuff involving flogger play, so we may also attend that because, well, kink is fun, and even if I learn absolutely nothing from it, it will be a day out and will be entertaining. Of course, if we don't do the kink university thing, or even if we do, we'll get to see a movie or the like.
Anyways... Reading now.
Cheers,
Chris.
I've confirmed with my doctor and my pharmacy that my roommate can pick up my medication and mail it to me if I go to the states with Chandra, which is something I want to do. Which means Erika can mail my pills to me, this simplifies matters greatly for me.
As this has been figured out, over the past week or so, I've been horribly addicted to Pogo games. Monopoly to be exact. I've been playing it rather consistently, with computers, with people, with Chandra... Quite often, in between this she and I watch "our shows"... Which amounts to Leverage (which just ended), True Blood (ending next week), Lie to Me, Weeds, Sons of Anarchy, Criminal Minds... She's watching Bones now, and I may pick it up again when she catches up to me, though I lost most interest around season 4 or 5. Breaking Bad, though not often.... Among other movies.
I've become bored with world of warcraft, and most other video games. I read now and then, am at least getting back into that. I'm further sinking into the local community, and finding myself rather pleased with the insertion of those people into my life.
Admittedly, I see some of them, and though younger than me, I find them mirroring what I used to be like... At least in some ways. I look at one in particular, and see what she has done, is doing, and what she has experienced, and I find myself feeling slightly protective. Not so much because she needs to be protected, or that I am the protective type. More that she made a decision out of anger, and has experienced a great deal of backlash from it... I find people who are so shallow, pathetic, and immature as to thrive on berating a girl for a decision made in haste... to be sad and pathetic individuals. Is there not better things to do than harass a girl that is gone from that life and reflecting on her own experiences? Ah well... silly silly people.
I'm exhausted tonight, but am trying to stay awake in order to keep a semi-regulated schedule. I believe I'll read a chapter or two of my book before I pass out... Speaking of books, Book 12 of the wheel of time finally comes out in soft cover on the 28th of september, only for book 13 to come out in november. So end of september I'll FINALLY get my hands on the Gathering Storm, and be able to read it as I own it, and a month and change later, I'll have the next book taunting me. I may just say fuck it and buy the damned thing in hard cover. I want to read it all, there's only one more coming out after this.
I wrote a bit, a sample for someone that wants me to ghost write a chapter for them in a book. A combat scene. It flows so naturally, but I lose interest so quickly, which is one of the extremely bothersome things about me and writing. I need the block to vanish... It is the worst thing ever... Right above being told I'm depressed because I'm fat.
Ah well... Time to read, then sleep, then harass her when she comes to bed, then sleep more, then wake up, then get my hair cut, then try and find a meter/yard stick for the Munch gathering tomorrow night, then eat, then bake cookies for the munch, then go to the munch, then keep Sicx from drinking more than one, then enjoy myself... Those last two will probably be simultaneous, then come home, then beat Chandra in her school girl outfit, or rape her, or both, or neither, or... Well... whatever... Then sleep, and then wake up, then shop for grocery, then...er... well... that is going into saturday. I don't know what is happening saturday. There's a barbecue at an acquaintances place, but I really don't know if I want to bother to attend an event where the only people I know are rather condescending towards me. At the same time, there's a university course thing for kink stuff involving flogger play, so we may also attend that because, well, kink is fun, and even if I learn absolutely nothing from it, it will be a day out and will be entertaining. Of course, if we don't do the kink university thing, or even if we do, we'll get to see a movie or the like.
Anyways... Reading now.
Cheers,
Chris.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Memories
So here I am, at 9:30 in the morning, still awake and wondering why. Well, at least I have alcohol in me, so suppose that is a benefit. I didn't really intend to drink, but Chandra and I were playing around in bed, and she touched me at the base of my spine, just along my ass crack, teasing, and it triggered a memory.
My mind and body snapped into defensive position and I nearly had a panic attack as my mind flipped into a flash back that fucked with my heart rate and breathing. I had to try and focus, had to breathe to bring myself back, to get myself from there, back to here. She tried to console me, that it was just her, she was sorry, to come back out of my head... Not the easiest thing to do when such a thing happens. However I did of course pull out, eventually... And lay there staring at the ceiling for half an hour before I realized my heart was still beating much too rapidly, and determined that I needed a drink.
So two SoCo and coke later, I'm a lil more relaxed, a touch more steady, and think I'm ready to go back to bed. I figured I'd get some things off my mind before I did though... You know, since someone checks this journal often and wants me to write in it more. *winks*
Chandra wants me to go back to the states with her. She is pushing for me to get my passport as soon as possible, and get me down to Washington as quickly as possible to meet her friends, family, and give her social life the reboot she wants... I'm fine with that. Though things have been shaky here and there. We've argued more in the past four days than in the past month. It's not a bad thing, the arguments are still small and petty, something minor and minuscule compared to arguments I've had with others in the past...
But the tension is there, and it's not because of us spending so much time together... We get along great, whether we're playing on Pogo (which we both just got a year membership for cheap, a gift from her), or watching our shows, or even going out to a movie, coffee on tuesdays, the munch this friday... We get along perfectly. It's because I'm a social hermit. I don't have much interest in people, they don't/can't understand me, and because of my superiority complex, and extreme ego, plus my condescending nature (which is pretty bad, I know), people don't precisely... take... to me. Yes, I know this means I need an attitude adjustment, but that is far from easy after a decade of this attitude, and takes time either way to break old habits.
Of course, as per my last entry, my attitude probably comes from the fact I'm fat. If I lose weight, I'd be a better person *rolls eyes* fucking ignoramus.
So it is something I'm skeptical about, but am still willing to do, because it is for her, with her. It's something I would enjoy, and would have fun in the states with her. Of course there are complications... For one, my medication. For two my financial support through ontario works. Three, my way home after being there. Lot of lil things that add up.
I don't want to be negative, so I've been looking at the positive side of things, have been pushing my mind to see only the bright side, as opposed to the possibilities unspoken. So many possibilities and oddities that could utterly destroy everything... However, I don't intend to let them, don't want to see things change, not now. I'm actually somewhere I want to be for a change, with someone I want to be with.
Doubts aside... I still don't know how to respond to her serious discussions. I should know, of course... But it seems that telling her what she wants to hear is all I offer. Strangely, what she wants to hear, is what I'm saying because that is the thought in my head at the given time. I'm at a stage in my life, perhaps due to my past, my depression, or something else inside me, that I prefer to go for the path of least resistance. I don't want to fight, or argue, or push through the brambles and barriers of a complex labyrinth of debates and decisions. I want to take the decision that offers the least complications, and the fewest consequences. Perhaps that's cowardly of me, but lets be fair here... I tried to kill myself a year ago. I'm pretty sure "coward" would be an apt description at times.
So she and I should be returning the ghetto fan we bought from zellers, with any luck we'll get a lil shopping done today, if not shopping today, we may check out the tattoo parlor on the east end that her pedicurist mentioned to her. We shall see what we shall see. I need to make a call before I go back to sleep, so am gonna go do that now before I forget.
Cheers,
Chris.
My mind and body snapped into defensive position and I nearly had a panic attack as my mind flipped into a flash back that fucked with my heart rate and breathing. I had to try and focus, had to breathe to bring myself back, to get myself from there, back to here. She tried to console me, that it was just her, she was sorry, to come back out of my head... Not the easiest thing to do when such a thing happens. However I did of course pull out, eventually... And lay there staring at the ceiling for half an hour before I realized my heart was still beating much too rapidly, and determined that I needed a drink.
So two SoCo and coke later, I'm a lil more relaxed, a touch more steady, and think I'm ready to go back to bed. I figured I'd get some things off my mind before I did though... You know, since someone checks this journal often and wants me to write in it more. *winks*
Chandra wants me to go back to the states with her. She is pushing for me to get my passport as soon as possible, and get me down to Washington as quickly as possible to meet her friends, family, and give her social life the reboot she wants... I'm fine with that. Though things have been shaky here and there. We've argued more in the past four days than in the past month. It's not a bad thing, the arguments are still small and petty, something minor and minuscule compared to arguments I've had with others in the past...
But the tension is there, and it's not because of us spending so much time together... We get along great, whether we're playing on Pogo (which we both just got a year membership for cheap, a gift from her), or watching our shows, or even going out to a movie, coffee on tuesdays, the munch this friday... We get along perfectly. It's because I'm a social hermit. I don't have much interest in people, they don't/can't understand me, and because of my superiority complex, and extreme ego, plus my condescending nature (which is pretty bad, I know), people don't precisely... take... to me. Yes, I know this means I need an attitude adjustment, but that is far from easy after a decade of this attitude, and takes time either way to break old habits.
Of course, as per my last entry, my attitude probably comes from the fact I'm fat. If I lose weight, I'd be a better person *rolls eyes* fucking ignoramus.
So it is something I'm skeptical about, but am still willing to do, because it is for her, with her. It's something I would enjoy, and would have fun in the states with her. Of course there are complications... For one, my medication. For two my financial support through ontario works. Three, my way home after being there. Lot of lil things that add up.
I don't want to be negative, so I've been looking at the positive side of things, have been pushing my mind to see only the bright side, as opposed to the possibilities unspoken. So many possibilities and oddities that could utterly destroy everything... However, I don't intend to let them, don't want to see things change, not now. I'm actually somewhere I want to be for a change, with someone I want to be with.
Doubts aside... I still don't know how to respond to her serious discussions. I should know, of course... But it seems that telling her what she wants to hear is all I offer. Strangely, what she wants to hear, is what I'm saying because that is the thought in my head at the given time. I'm at a stage in my life, perhaps due to my past, my depression, or something else inside me, that I prefer to go for the path of least resistance. I don't want to fight, or argue, or push through the brambles and barriers of a complex labyrinth of debates and decisions. I want to take the decision that offers the least complications, and the fewest consequences. Perhaps that's cowardly of me, but lets be fair here... I tried to kill myself a year ago. I'm pretty sure "coward" would be an apt description at times.
So she and I should be returning the ghetto fan we bought from zellers, with any luck we'll get a lil shopping done today, if not shopping today, we may check out the tattoo parlor on the east end that her pedicurist mentioned to her. We shall see what we shall see. I need to make a call before I go back to sleep, so am gonna go do that now before I forget.
Cheers,
Chris.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Morning... ugh
So as I sit here at 7:30am... With a bowl of cereal, and her asleep... I find myself thinking I'm lucky...
She may not be a super model, but she's smart, funny, and we have a lot in common. We get along great almost all the time, and even our arguments are far from extreme... Mostly petty things that I'm over even before the argument is done.
So after waiting a month and a half for a referral with a shrink to help with my depression... I finally got my appointment. He was so professional that his office was in the mall, he didn't have a receptionist, and he shouted for me to come in from the back room.
I should have taken a hint at this point that one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong... But I figured, my doc trusted this guy for me to see him, I should respect that and give it a chance.
His diagnosis? I'm bipolar. I'm bipolar because I'm fat. If I exercised and worked out, and was more active and weighed less, my depression would magically vanish.
Huh... You don't say? Really? Your professional opinion is that the chemical imbalance in my brain is because I'm FAT. Because when I was 13 and weighed in at 120 and fit, I was depressed... Why? Because I was fucking THIN??
Some part of me should be pleased that he didn't just ask me a bunch of pointless questions over and over again to try and text book my mind... But I'm not pleased at all. Am I overweight? Yes. Am I extremely obese? No.
My depression is a part of me that is broken... It needs to be corrected, it needs to find a fix. Maybe a more active lifestyle is a good start for it, but it is hardly the end of it. Someone to talk to, to work my problems out with, medication to balance the chemicals, among many other things, would all be steps towards correcting this. But no... I'm depressed cuz I'm fat.
That being said... I'd not be surprised that he's in a mall office without a receptionist because after experiencing a diagnosis from him, they went home and actually KILLED themselves. "I'm sorry, miss, your post-natal depression is because you're a lard ass from the baby. Lose the weight, you'll be so much happier despite your stillborn child."... "I know you lost your job, and things may seem hopeless, but lets face it, you lost your job because your fat and ugly, lose some weight and get a face lift and try again. You'll be happier!"
Yes... It irks me... What's your point?
As time goes by, I look at those I know, those who I call friend, and those who call me friend. I think of those I hang out with regularly, and those I speak with rarely... Those I WANT to hang around, and those I'm indifferent to one way or another.
Erika, Neal, Shaun fall into the category of those I want to be around, but rarely get the chance. Of course, despite this, I know at least one of the list is indifferent to my presence. Either way, that I've been in this city for 8 years, and can only name three people I like with conviction? That tells me there is little here for me.
With that in mind, I've begun the 2 year plan to move to the west coast. I can name three people in barrie worth staying for. One of which wouldn't care. I can name two people on the west coast worth being around, both of which feel the same way. Plus the west coast gives me Chandra... And in it's own weird way, would give me a family (her's)... So there are benefits to being out there, as opposed to here. It's just... Complicated. I call it a two year plan, but if I can make it sooner, I will. I just won't hold my breathe for it to work out sooner.
I'm going to try and sleep now, because sleep is what I should have been doing three hours ago when I laid down to rest.
Cheers,
Chris.
She may not be a super model, but she's smart, funny, and we have a lot in common. We get along great almost all the time, and even our arguments are far from extreme... Mostly petty things that I'm over even before the argument is done.
So after waiting a month and a half for a referral with a shrink to help with my depression... I finally got my appointment. He was so professional that his office was in the mall, he didn't have a receptionist, and he shouted for me to come in from the back room.
I should have taken a hint at this point that one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong... But I figured, my doc trusted this guy for me to see him, I should respect that and give it a chance.
His diagnosis? I'm bipolar. I'm bipolar because I'm fat. If I exercised and worked out, and was more active and weighed less, my depression would magically vanish.
Huh... You don't say? Really? Your professional opinion is that the chemical imbalance in my brain is because I'm FAT. Because when I was 13 and weighed in at 120 and fit, I was depressed... Why? Because I was fucking THIN??
Some part of me should be pleased that he didn't just ask me a bunch of pointless questions over and over again to try and text book my mind... But I'm not pleased at all. Am I overweight? Yes. Am I extremely obese? No.
My depression is a part of me that is broken... It needs to be corrected, it needs to find a fix. Maybe a more active lifestyle is a good start for it, but it is hardly the end of it. Someone to talk to, to work my problems out with, medication to balance the chemicals, among many other things, would all be steps towards correcting this. But no... I'm depressed cuz I'm fat.
That being said... I'd not be surprised that he's in a mall office without a receptionist because after experiencing a diagnosis from him, they went home and actually KILLED themselves. "I'm sorry, miss, your post-natal depression is because you're a lard ass from the baby. Lose the weight, you'll be so much happier despite your stillborn child."... "I know you lost your job, and things may seem hopeless, but lets face it, you lost your job because your fat and ugly, lose some weight and get a face lift and try again. You'll be happier!"
Yes... It irks me... What's your point?
As time goes by, I look at those I know, those who I call friend, and those who call me friend. I think of those I hang out with regularly, and those I speak with rarely... Those I WANT to hang around, and those I'm indifferent to one way or another.
Erika, Neal, Shaun fall into the category of those I want to be around, but rarely get the chance. Of course, despite this, I know at least one of the list is indifferent to my presence. Either way, that I've been in this city for 8 years, and can only name three people I like with conviction? That tells me there is little here for me.
With that in mind, I've begun the 2 year plan to move to the west coast. I can name three people in barrie worth staying for. One of which wouldn't care. I can name two people on the west coast worth being around, both of which feel the same way. Plus the west coast gives me Chandra... And in it's own weird way, would give me a family (her's)... So there are benefits to being out there, as opposed to here. It's just... Complicated. I call it a two year plan, but if I can make it sooner, I will. I just won't hold my breathe for it to work out sooner.
I'm going to try and sleep now, because sleep is what I should have been doing three hours ago when I laid down to rest.
Cheers,
Chris.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hidden Shame
I'm sorry to say that you don't know me
I'm sad in ways you never understood
Each time I try to tell the ugly truth
You always let it pass you by
You said I 'd never tell you a lie
Just because I could
Did you really think I was a bad man?
You always said that that should be my middle name
But you don't know the half of it
You don't know how that name fits
You don't know my hidden shame
CHORUS
Hidden shame, shame, shame
That I can't get free
From the blame and the torture
And the misery
Must it be my secret for eternity?
Till you know my hidden shame you really don't know me
Well, there's a different kind of prison
And it don't even have to look much like a cell
It's already on your mind
Boy, we can see it in your eyes
So, here's the bars and walls as well
Well, you know I'm never coming home, babe
You said you'd stand by me until I cleared my name
Sure it's easy to be strong
When you know the charge is wrong
But the days and weeks get long
When you've got a hidden shame
CHORUS
I had a friend when I was just a boy
We were like brothers, we would run and hide
And we went walking on a high hillside
And I really don't how it happened
He turned to me and had this strange look in his eye
And not a single word was spoken
I must have pushed him, but I don't remember why
And all at once, he lay there broken
And I walked down without him and I didn't even sigh
CHORUS
They say you always hurt the one you love
And I'm not saying if I did or if I didn't
But like my shame, that kind of love is always hidden
They locked me up here for the ideas in my head
They never got me for the thing I really did
CHORUS
------------------
Hidden Shame by Johnny Cash. I relate to it perhaps more than I should, for so many reasons, none of which I can really voice or set out there.
I've had a couple days to myself in the past week or so. What did I do with my time before she came here? Played WoW, read, watched tv. Except with her here now, all the shows I would watch, are ones we are both watching, thus I could hardly skip ahead (plus one of the series is one that I've seen the first season of already)... So I read more than anything, slept, worked out a business proposition... Not sure what else I could have done.
Chandra and I are progressing at an alarming rate. Almost as though there wasn't a huge gap in our communication and contact, as though we had been talking and friends all along, and that this was a natural progression.
Friends......
How many do I have? Do I really have any? Who in my life is a friend? Who is just an acquaintance, who is someone that is just "there" for lack of not wanting to be rude? I find myself asking these questions today, as my medication is running out of my system, and as opposed to suffering withdrawal, I'm instead starting to dive down into darker depths than I've been in in more than a month. One message from someone, offended by a joke, and I had to literally stop and breathe, before I simply said, "fine, good bye then." and removed them from my life. But even then, I think... Would it matter? Would he notice? Does it make a difference?
I thought... When is the last time we hung out? When is the last time we talked without you thinking you rather be elsewhere? When is the last time you called? When is the last time you showed up randomly just to say "hi"? What do we have in common? Do you tell people about me (this I think of, because if I call you friend, I can almost guarantee that my friends, my woman, even my family, have heard about you)? If I needed help to move, would you (I know I've helped when asked)? Am I someone you want around? Am I a friend? Am I an acquaintance? Or am I simply someone there of pure convenience when you are bored with everything else.
This has occured to me in the past. In fact, I was just a friend of convenience for Gerry, and his using me is why I cut him out of my life. Though I look at other people in my life, and wonder... "Are these people actually friends?"...
I have so few interests in life, so few hobbies, or things that I do for "fun"... I don't really play many games, I read when I can, I don't watch much tv... I talk. I randomly bullshit with people I DO call friend. I hang out with my girl, and I relax. I like to watch movies, shows, things that amuse me. I prefer comedy over other genres, because it's hard to be depressed when amusing things are happening. I have an obscene sense of humor oft-times, because the shock value of life is what amuses me, what makes me look at life and wonder "what next?"... I can't say my humor is perfect, in fact, for most people it is grotesque and uncalled for. However it is part of me.
I'm not sure who reads this, who doesn't, and who cares one way or another... But this is a part of me that exists. I'm not easy to get along with, I'm not the perfect friend, my charisma and my charm are both often lost in my superiority complex and ego. I'm not always a great person to have around... But when the chips are down, when it comes down to the nit and grit, in the moment of decision... If I've ever called you a friend... family... I would take a bullet for you, and I do this knowing in my heart and mind, you'd never do the same for me.
Cheers.
I'm sad in ways you never understood
Each time I try to tell the ugly truth
You always let it pass you by
You said I 'd never tell you a lie
Just because I could
Did you really think I was a bad man?
You always said that that should be my middle name
But you don't know the half of it
You don't know how that name fits
You don't know my hidden shame
CHORUS
Hidden shame, shame, shame
That I can't get free
From the blame and the torture
And the misery
Must it be my secret for eternity?
Till you know my hidden shame you really don't know me
Well, there's a different kind of prison
And it don't even have to look much like a cell
It's already on your mind
Boy, we can see it in your eyes
So, here's the bars and walls as well
Well, you know I'm never coming home, babe
You said you'd stand by me until I cleared my name
Sure it's easy to be strong
When you know the charge is wrong
But the days and weeks get long
When you've got a hidden shame
CHORUS
I had a friend when I was just a boy
We were like brothers, we would run and hide
And we went walking on a high hillside
And I really don't how it happened
He turned to me and had this strange look in his eye
And not a single word was spoken
I must have pushed him, but I don't remember why
And all at once, he lay there broken
And I walked down without him and I didn't even sigh
CHORUS
They say you always hurt the one you love
And I'm not saying if I did or if I didn't
But like my shame, that kind of love is always hidden
They locked me up here for the ideas in my head
They never got me for the thing I really did
CHORUS
------------------
Hidden Shame by Johnny Cash. I relate to it perhaps more than I should, for so many reasons, none of which I can really voice or set out there.
I've had a couple days to myself in the past week or so. What did I do with my time before she came here? Played WoW, read, watched tv. Except with her here now, all the shows I would watch, are ones we are both watching, thus I could hardly skip ahead (plus one of the series is one that I've seen the first season of already)... So I read more than anything, slept, worked out a business proposition... Not sure what else I could have done.
Chandra and I are progressing at an alarming rate. Almost as though there wasn't a huge gap in our communication and contact, as though we had been talking and friends all along, and that this was a natural progression.
Friends......
How many do I have? Do I really have any? Who in my life is a friend? Who is just an acquaintance, who is someone that is just "there" for lack of not wanting to be rude? I find myself asking these questions today, as my medication is running out of my system, and as opposed to suffering withdrawal, I'm instead starting to dive down into darker depths than I've been in in more than a month. One message from someone, offended by a joke, and I had to literally stop and breathe, before I simply said, "fine, good bye then." and removed them from my life. But even then, I think... Would it matter? Would he notice? Does it make a difference?
I thought... When is the last time we hung out? When is the last time we talked without you thinking you rather be elsewhere? When is the last time you called? When is the last time you showed up randomly just to say "hi"? What do we have in common? Do you tell people about me (this I think of, because if I call you friend, I can almost guarantee that my friends, my woman, even my family, have heard about you)? If I needed help to move, would you (I know I've helped when asked)? Am I someone you want around? Am I a friend? Am I an acquaintance? Or am I simply someone there of pure convenience when you are bored with everything else.
This has occured to me in the past. In fact, I was just a friend of convenience for Gerry, and his using me is why I cut him out of my life. Though I look at other people in my life, and wonder... "Are these people actually friends?"...
I have so few interests in life, so few hobbies, or things that I do for "fun"... I don't really play many games, I read when I can, I don't watch much tv... I talk. I randomly bullshit with people I DO call friend. I hang out with my girl, and I relax. I like to watch movies, shows, things that amuse me. I prefer comedy over other genres, because it's hard to be depressed when amusing things are happening. I have an obscene sense of humor oft-times, because the shock value of life is what amuses me, what makes me look at life and wonder "what next?"... I can't say my humor is perfect, in fact, for most people it is grotesque and uncalled for. However it is part of me.
I'm not sure who reads this, who doesn't, and who cares one way or another... But this is a part of me that exists. I'm not easy to get along with, I'm not the perfect friend, my charisma and my charm are both often lost in my superiority complex and ego. I'm not always a great person to have around... But when the chips are down, when it comes down to the nit and grit, in the moment of decision... If I've ever called you a friend... family... I would take a bullet for you, and I do this knowing in my heart and mind, you'd never do the same for me.
Cheers.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Time After Time
How long has it been since I've been in a gorean relationship? A relationship that actually extended towards my lifestyle of choice, a point of my mind, heart, and soul that yearns to be let loose, to be accepted and allowed to roam freely?
Years, I should think. Longer years than I care to recall. Mecca wasn't a gorean relationship, she was a D/s experiment perhaps, but hardly gorean. Dawn maybe? Over six years ago now. Then there was bobbi, which was before dawn.
Bobbi and Chrysalis were the last two girls I owned on a chain. A yin and yang contrast to each other, One brunette, one blonde, one sensual, one sexual, one a pain slut, one a sensory slut. Both with a use, both with issues.
They knew about each other, and though I treated both equally, it blew up because they knew each other, because both were jealous of the other and as such possessive of me. Wasn't that a fine pickle to put myself in... Typical of me though.
So it's been more than seven years since that happened, or near enough as to make little difference... And now, seven years later, I'm not even in the same position, and it is still being blown out of proportion as such.
Not sure how else to describe it, it is hardly something that is real in any other fashion than the mind that it was born in, however sometimes the mind that bore the darkness is the one that needs the light.
I tried to tell Chandra that erika and I are just friends. Yes, friends with benefits, but still, just friends. This should need no other explanation, as she has had several men in her life of the exact same nature.
Yet where with her, her fucking stephan, scening with Bart, fucking bad teeth guy, fucking stalker guy, fucking Matt, threesome with this person, sex with Donna, etc etc... All of this is apparently alright, with no repercussions involved at all. Yet if I do it, I'm suddenly the bad guy.
Of course, even with the backstory on it, is hardly of any use... I'm on prozzac, which is, quite bluntly, screwing with my libido in a bad way. The night Chandra got here, we played... Nothing extreme, some oral, and sadly that is it. Why was that it? Well, because there was no feeling below the waist. Oh, the goods were working, but the plumbing was clogged... Or some other euphemism about ejaculatory dysfunction. This has been ongoing for a week now. I can only hope the regulated use of my meds fix it. Originally, I was going to give it a second go... We had a power outage, and Erika was over (she's been sick for months, wanted to get out of the house and socialize and meet Chandra)... Well, I did the smart thing at first... two women, interested in both, avoid jealousy by taking the couch while they both had the bed.
Erika was overheated in the room, and came out to the living room. I poked and tickled her, teased her a bit, and... well, stuff happened. In my mind, there was going to be stuff happening there, then being taken into the bedroom for stuff to happen there. It would figure that it would backfire... Which is my relationship karma... Though I was a moron for it anyways. Chandra came out, saw us playing, and walked to her phone, then back to the bedroom. Can hardly fault her for the action, except of course that it was very out of character for her. I told erika to sleep and went into the room (the couch was killing my back, thus was the original plan to make sure erika didn't feel too neglected, then go into the room and fuck chandra)... But of course, chandra was all kinds of messed up.
Which led to her exposing feeling jealous over erika, like a third wheel because of the history between her and I, and blah fucking blah de blah.
Truth of the matter is... I like erika. Always have, but she's got other things on her mind. She has an english man twice her age that she wants to be with, and he's besotted with her and intent on visiting in october (was supposed to be june, but she was sick with tuberculosis).
I like chandra too, always have. She and I have a lot in common, above and beyond the lifestyle. With the exception of her atrocious taste in rap music. She may very well be the person I end spending my life with, assuming this can be moved past with minimal damage. Am I sexual? No, not overly... I expressed this already. I don't get horny very often, and even when I do, it tends to be soemthing there and gone. With prozzac... Hell, I don't even notice having an erection half the time until she gropes for it.
After a week, we've not had sex, we've scened several times, and I've left her marked rather deliciously. But sex? WIth me unable to feel my shaft from head down.... what is the point of stimulating it to contract the balls and get blue balled for the inevitable outcome of.. well... no cum?
She's not my normal... She smokes, and she's a BBW, she's also american (which is not my normal because I don't usually do long distance shit)... She's quitting smoking, or almost. She's down to four-five a day with me, and she is working on her weight and the like (and to be honest, she has a pretty face), and she prefers canada for everything but the cold, which means she is willing to move her in the future.
All of these things show a desire to change for the better, perhaps to be what I desire (though I know the weight thing bothers her too).
She has a pretty face, and her attributes are attractive. Of course, me saying, "it's not you, it's me" never gets anywhere aside from, "bullshit." alas... She's going to have to learn, casually flirting, playing, or fooling around with someone, doesn't mean there is a future there, be they a friend or otherwise. Though of course, the tact used in getting head from a girl while another is in the other room surely docks points too.
Bleh, I'm not asking for forgiveness, or even understanding, just venting before I pop from the bloody stress of it all.
The two of them need to sit down and talk, cuz seriously? They BOTH think they're the third wheel, and they BOTH are jealous of the other if maybe for different reasons... It's freakin' bizzare how a man can be in the middle of something he started when he never knew he was starting something to begin with!
Peace,
Chris
Years, I should think. Longer years than I care to recall. Mecca wasn't a gorean relationship, she was a D/s experiment perhaps, but hardly gorean. Dawn maybe? Over six years ago now. Then there was bobbi, which was before dawn.
Bobbi and Chrysalis were the last two girls I owned on a chain. A yin and yang contrast to each other, One brunette, one blonde, one sensual, one sexual, one a pain slut, one a sensory slut. Both with a use, both with issues.
They knew about each other, and though I treated both equally, it blew up because they knew each other, because both were jealous of the other and as such possessive of me. Wasn't that a fine pickle to put myself in... Typical of me though.
So it's been more than seven years since that happened, or near enough as to make little difference... And now, seven years later, I'm not even in the same position, and it is still being blown out of proportion as such.
Not sure how else to describe it, it is hardly something that is real in any other fashion than the mind that it was born in, however sometimes the mind that bore the darkness is the one that needs the light.
I tried to tell Chandra that erika and I are just friends. Yes, friends with benefits, but still, just friends. This should need no other explanation, as she has had several men in her life of the exact same nature.
Yet where with her, her fucking stephan, scening with Bart, fucking bad teeth guy, fucking stalker guy, fucking Matt, threesome with this person, sex with Donna, etc etc... All of this is apparently alright, with no repercussions involved at all. Yet if I do it, I'm suddenly the bad guy.
Of course, even with the backstory on it, is hardly of any use... I'm on prozzac, which is, quite bluntly, screwing with my libido in a bad way. The night Chandra got here, we played... Nothing extreme, some oral, and sadly that is it. Why was that it? Well, because there was no feeling below the waist. Oh, the goods were working, but the plumbing was clogged... Or some other euphemism about ejaculatory dysfunction. This has been ongoing for a week now. I can only hope the regulated use of my meds fix it. Originally, I was going to give it a second go... We had a power outage, and Erika was over (she's been sick for months, wanted to get out of the house and socialize and meet Chandra)... Well, I did the smart thing at first... two women, interested in both, avoid jealousy by taking the couch while they both had the bed.
Erika was overheated in the room, and came out to the living room. I poked and tickled her, teased her a bit, and... well, stuff happened. In my mind, there was going to be stuff happening there, then being taken into the bedroom for stuff to happen there. It would figure that it would backfire... Which is my relationship karma... Though I was a moron for it anyways. Chandra came out, saw us playing, and walked to her phone, then back to the bedroom. Can hardly fault her for the action, except of course that it was very out of character for her. I told erika to sleep and went into the room (the couch was killing my back, thus was the original plan to make sure erika didn't feel too neglected, then go into the room and fuck chandra)... But of course, chandra was all kinds of messed up.
Which led to her exposing feeling jealous over erika, like a third wheel because of the history between her and I, and blah fucking blah de blah.
Truth of the matter is... I like erika. Always have, but she's got other things on her mind. She has an english man twice her age that she wants to be with, and he's besotted with her and intent on visiting in october (was supposed to be june, but she was sick with tuberculosis).
I like chandra too, always have. She and I have a lot in common, above and beyond the lifestyle. With the exception of her atrocious taste in rap music. She may very well be the person I end spending my life with, assuming this can be moved past with minimal damage. Am I sexual? No, not overly... I expressed this already. I don't get horny very often, and even when I do, it tends to be soemthing there and gone. With prozzac... Hell, I don't even notice having an erection half the time until she gropes for it.
After a week, we've not had sex, we've scened several times, and I've left her marked rather deliciously. But sex? WIth me unable to feel my shaft from head down.... what is the point of stimulating it to contract the balls and get blue balled for the inevitable outcome of.. well... no cum?
She's not my normal... She smokes, and she's a BBW, she's also american (which is not my normal because I don't usually do long distance shit)... She's quitting smoking, or almost. She's down to four-five a day with me, and she is working on her weight and the like (and to be honest, she has a pretty face), and she prefers canada for everything but the cold, which means she is willing to move her in the future.
All of these things show a desire to change for the better, perhaps to be what I desire (though I know the weight thing bothers her too).
She has a pretty face, and her attributes are attractive. Of course, me saying, "it's not you, it's me" never gets anywhere aside from, "bullshit." alas... She's going to have to learn, casually flirting, playing, or fooling around with someone, doesn't mean there is a future there, be they a friend or otherwise. Though of course, the tact used in getting head from a girl while another is in the other room surely docks points too.
Bleh, I'm not asking for forgiveness, or even understanding, just venting before I pop from the bloody stress of it all.
The two of them need to sit down and talk, cuz seriously? They BOTH think they're the third wheel, and they BOTH are jealous of the other if maybe for different reasons... It's freakin' bizzare how a man can be in the middle of something he started when he never knew he was starting something to begin with!
Peace,
Chris
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Standard Update - More or less
Ok, gotta open with this before I forget.
People say that it is never good to go to bed on a full stomach, that it can cause bizarre dreams. Well, I went to bed without eating a snack last night, and had one of the most bizarre, creepy, dreams that I've had in awhile. Not precisely night terror level, but still pretty intense.
So basic run down of said dream... I was doing some landscaping with my father and some of his old workers (they were all roofers, so not sure why we were tearing up landscape)... Anyways... we were ripping into some wreckage against a hillside, using shovels and pick axes... And I hit a nest of some kind. I flipped an old rotting board and out came... Spiders.
They looked like tarantulas in shape and size... But they were multi colored, gray, red, blue, black... That is to say each spider possessed a different color.
So I nailed the first one, crushed it... barely... Took me two or three tries. Why is it that in dreams my coordination is shot to shit, and I never move fast enough? Anyways... One of them bit me. Or I thought it bit me on the shin, guess it just had potent, lusty sex with my leg, because I remember we turned to run, but one bit another of us, and he died almost instantly... I, on the other hand... Had the joy of having millions of tiny spiders hatching inside me and bursting out of my pores while I still lived.... They then did the little spider web-parachute thing, and went after everyone else.
I wasn't alive for the rest of that particular dream... But still, creepy, right?
Onwards!
So I've cut Kiwi out of my life. Ironic considering how hard I fought to KEEP her in my life, to help her through shit, to keep things together for her with everything robbie put her through. They broke up, and she was broken, shattered, ruined, and the result? Oh, the result was that she jumped on the first cock that offered comfort... I told her my opinions on it, that it was a bad idea.
But what do I know, right? I only warned her about robbie months before he fucked her head up so badly. No one ever listens to me, then they act surprised when I'm right.
Of course, this was not why I cut her out. Anyone that knows me, knows that I get annoyed, even irritated, when my advice is ignored... But I endure it, shrug it off, feign support for the stupid acts you do, and then hand you your subscription of "I told you so." magazine when it ends up exactly where I said it would end.
No, what put me to the limit, where I had had enough... Is that she had given me a WoW account, one where I had leveled up, geared up, and powered up, a rogue. A rogue that I was very proud of and had intention of transferring to play with old friends. While the account was inactive while I waited on a credit card to do the transfer, she sold it for an exorbitant price. $600 for a T9 rogue with a couple shit ass 80s added in.
Principle of the matter. She never asked, never told me. No, I found out when I went into the account to double check the prices of the transfer and race change, to find the account re-activated, and my rogue renamed "iheartnaveah" turned into an orc, and transferred to gurubashi.
Not pleased.
What else... what else....
Oh!
Woke up this morning to an msn message from Maggie, asking if I had deleted her from msn as well. No, no I had not. I did however, remove her from facebook at the same time I removed Kalli/Kiwi from it. Cleared off a few names from it, really. My explanation is simple... She has made intention clear that she has no intention to forgive me for my one shortsighted act, she doesn't love me, she holds contempt for my love for her... She doesn't come on msn anymore (this is the first I've seen her since the 31st of january, except for a 2 minute encounter where she said "my back hurts, brb smoke" on the 7th of february and that was the extent of the conversation), she doesn't call me anymore (something that used to be a nightly thing), and she doesn't come on facebook to chat either.
Why bother?
I love her, of course. That will not change overnight, hell, like with Darcy, that probably won't ever change. But at the same time, why should I punish myself to see her status updates referring to her gaming with other people, and going out with friends, and knowing that through all of it, she has absolutely no regard for me?
What else.... Hm... Oh! Ashley.
Yeah... Uhm... Nothing there. Just a friend. Nothing I'm going to divulge though.
I think that about summarizes anything of importance.
Cheers,
Chris.
People say that it is never good to go to bed on a full stomach, that it can cause bizarre dreams. Well, I went to bed without eating a snack last night, and had one of the most bizarre, creepy, dreams that I've had in awhile. Not precisely night terror level, but still pretty intense.
So basic run down of said dream... I was doing some landscaping with my father and some of his old workers (they were all roofers, so not sure why we were tearing up landscape)... Anyways... we were ripping into some wreckage against a hillside, using shovels and pick axes... And I hit a nest of some kind. I flipped an old rotting board and out came... Spiders.
They looked like tarantulas in shape and size... But they were multi colored, gray, red, blue, black... That is to say each spider possessed a different color.
So I nailed the first one, crushed it... barely... Took me two or three tries. Why is it that in dreams my coordination is shot to shit, and I never move fast enough? Anyways... One of them bit me. Or I thought it bit me on the shin, guess it just had potent, lusty sex with my leg, because I remember we turned to run, but one bit another of us, and he died almost instantly... I, on the other hand... Had the joy of having millions of tiny spiders hatching inside me and bursting out of my pores while I still lived.... They then did the little spider web-parachute thing, and went after everyone else.
I wasn't alive for the rest of that particular dream... But still, creepy, right?
Onwards!
So I've cut Kiwi out of my life. Ironic considering how hard I fought to KEEP her in my life, to help her through shit, to keep things together for her with everything robbie put her through. They broke up, and she was broken, shattered, ruined, and the result? Oh, the result was that she jumped on the first cock that offered comfort... I told her my opinions on it, that it was a bad idea.
But what do I know, right? I only warned her about robbie months before he fucked her head up so badly. No one ever listens to me, then they act surprised when I'm right.
Of course, this was not why I cut her out. Anyone that knows me, knows that I get annoyed, even irritated, when my advice is ignored... But I endure it, shrug it off, feign support for the stupid acts you do, and then hand you your subscription of "I told you so." magazine when it ends up exactly where I said it would end.
No, what put me to the limit, where I had had enough... Is that she had given me a WoW account, one where I had leveled up, geared up, and powered up, a rogue. A rogue that I was very proud of and had intention of transferring to play with old friends. While the account was inactive while I waited on a credit card to do the transfer, she sold it for an exorbitant price. $600 for a T9 rogue with a couple shit ass 80s added in.
Principle of the matter. She never asked, never told me. No, I found out when I went into the account to double check the prices of the transfer and race change, to find the account re-activated, and my rogue renamed "iheartnaveah" turned into an orc, and transferred to gurubashi.
Not pleased.
What else... what else....
Oh!
Woke up this morning to an msn message from Maggie, asking if I had deleted her from msn as well. No, no I had not. I did however, remove her from facebook at the same time I removed Kalli/Kiwi from it. Cleared off a few names from it, really. My explanation is simple... She has made intention clear that she has no intention to forgive me for my one shortsighted act, she doesn't love me, she holds contempt for my love for her... She doesn't come on msn anymore (this is the first I've seen her since the 31st of january, except for a 2 minute encounter where she said "my back hurts, brb smoke" on the 7th of february and that was the extent of the conversation), she doesn't call me anymore (something that used to be a nightly thing), and she doesn't come on facebook to chat either.
Why bother?
I love her, of course. That will not change overnight, hell, like with Darcy, that probably won't ever change. But at the same time, why should I punish myself to see her status updates referring to her gaming with other people, and going out with friends, and knowing that through all of it, she has absolutely no regard for me?
What else.... Hm... Oh! Ashley.
Yeah... Uhm... Nothing there. Just a friend. Nothing I'm going to divulge though.
I think that about summarizes anything of importance.
Cheers,
Chris.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Shattering
I'm beginning to fall apart, broken, shattered... and I'm not sure where the control is anymore. I don't know if it is in my hands, or if it is merely an illusion that I am struggling to make real.
The thoughts come more often, more insidious, and I can't help but think that there is no one I can turn to, no one I can confide in, and even as I think it, I know it isn't true. I know of several I CAN confide in, who would help me, keep me steady, and keep me on the right path.
The problem is, in order to confide in someone, you need something to confide. I don't know WHAT is wrong, or what is causing this. I can't think of why I have these thoughts, dark, impure, self-destructive thoughts... Things I've grown so used to over the years, they just seem to be stacking up and getting worse in the past few months.
No rhyme or reason, merely there, and stronger than at any time before.
I don't know what I expect to come of this, but clearing my mind, getting it out there, can sometimes help, even if I don't know what "it" is, or what "it" should be. I can't think clearly half the time of late.
I'm... I don't know... Battered? Broken? Rent asunder? I can't even describe what is happening inside my head, let alone what is happening outside of it.
I look around me... Friends suffering, and aside from a pat on the shoulder, a soft word of encouragement, I can't give them anything more, anything that they need. Sometimes I can't even give the pat and words... They are either as ruined as I am, or blind to my own plight. Hell, -I'm- blind to my own plight. I can't fathom, or work out, what I can't understand.
Maggie and I are done. There's something that burns. Though we were done months ago, when I told her I couldn't be her shoulder to cry on over her ex getting engaged. I fought for a second chance, for all the good it did me. I still love her, and always will, as I do Darcy, however the night she mocked me in speaking those words, was the last night I spoke them. The last time she'll ever hear them from me again. I've been avoiding her since...
Of course, if I thought she read my blog, I may not even mention this (except of course she has told me before that she won't read it unless I direct her to it)... So that being said... Yes, I've been avoiding her... Not the most difficult thing to do, as she is online perhaps once a week, if that. Not usually hard to find an excuse to leave her be, once I know she's still doing alright. Made easier with her going afk every 15 minutes for a smoke, too.
Broken upon the rocks of a shore comprised of the sins of the damned. I'm as damned as any, I suppose.
I met a girl on PoF... Another one perhaps like Jes. Who knows, if I can manage to stop acting the asshole, perhaps she could be a friend. *shrugs* Who knows anymore about anything, really? I know I've lost my head for it. Though gods know I try to claw my way out.
Not much else to tell... Not right now anyways...
Chris.
The thoughts come more often, more insidious, and I can't help but think that there is no one I can turn to, no one I can confide in, and even as I think it, I know it isn't true. I know of several I CAN confide in, who would help me, keep me steady, and keep me on the right path.
The problem is, in order to confide in someone, you need something to confide. I don't know WHAT is wrong, or what is causing this. I can't think of why I have these thoughts, dark, impure, self-destructive thoughts... Things I've grown so used to over the years, they just seem to be stacking up and getting worse in the past few months.
No rhyme or reason, merely there, and stronger than at any time before.
I don't know what I expect to come of this, but clearing my mind, getting it out there, can sometimes help, even if I don't know what "it" is, or what "it" should be. I can't think clearly half the time of late.
I'm... I don't know... Battered? Broken? Rent asunder? I can't even describe what is happening inside my head, let alone what is happening outside of it.
I look around me... Friends suffering, and aside from a pat on the shoulder, a soft word of encouragement, I can't give them anything more, anything that they need. Sometimes I can't even give the pat and words... They are either as ruined as I am, or blind to my own plight. Hell, -I'm- blind to my own plight. I can't fathom, or work out, what I can't understand.
Maggie and I are done. There's something that burns. Though we were done months ago, when I told her I couldn't be her shoulder to cry on over her ex getting engaged. I fought for a second chance, for all the good it did me. I still love her, and always will, as I do Darcy, however the night she mocked me in speaking those words, was the last night I spoke them. The last time she'll ever hear them from me again. I've been avoiding her since...
Of course, if I thought she read my blog, I may not even mention this (except of course she has told me before that she won't read it unless I direct her to it)... So that being said... Yes, I've been avoiding her... Not the most difficult thing to do, as she is online perhaps once a week, if that. Not usually hard to find an excuse to leave her be, once I know she's still doing alright. Made easier with her going afk every 15 minutes for a smoke, too.
Broken upon the rocks of a shore comprised of the sins of the damned. I'm as damned as any, I suppose.
I met a girl on PoF... Another one perhaps like Jes. Who knows, if I can manage to stop acting the asshole, perhaps she could be a friend. *shrugs* Who knows anymore about anything, really? I know I've lost my head for it. Though gods know I try to claw my way out.
Not much else to tell... Not right now anyways...
Chris.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Self fulfilling prophecy... It is what happens when speaking prophecy is what causes it to happen. "You will be killed by a man of the family Connor" thus you kill every man of the Connor family, and the one surviving babe, hidden away from the massacre, hunts you down as an adult to avenge his family's murder.
Greek Mythology is full of self fulfilling prophecies....
Life is full of them too... Though they are not spoken prophecy, perhaps merely... Observations... You think to yourself, "he's going to cheat on me"... And the suspicion burrows inside of you, you grow more distance, hold him less at night, do less, and he is forced to seek the warmth of another person's arms...
I suppose I'm guilty of it... More often than not, sadly enough. Though I hide it more often than not. All it does 7 out of 10 times, is stop me from being surprised when it happens. Sometimes though, it is impossible to hide, sometimes it causes the friction that causes the happening which never would have happened if the observation was never made, even privately.
I dunno what I'm trying to say, really... Seems an odd remark to be making on my birthday... But no matter.
Just noticing another prophecy that fulfilled itself for leaving my lips, you might say.
Cheers,
Chris.
Now a Quarter Century.
Greek Mythology is full of self fulfilling prophecies....
Life is full of them too... Though they are not spoken prophecy, perhaps merely... Observations... You think to yourself, "he's going to cheat on me"... And the suspicion burrows inside of you, you grow more distance, hold him less at night, do less, and he is forced to seek the warmth of another person's arms...
I suppose I'm guilty of it... More often than not, sadly enough. Though I hide it more often than not. All it does 7 out of 10 times, is stop me from being surprised when it happens. Sometimes though, it is impossible to hide, sometimes it causes the friction that causes the happening which never would have happened if the observation was never made, even privately.
I dunno what I'm trying to say, really... Seems an odd remark to be making on my birthday... But no matter.
Just noticing another prophecy that fulfilled itself for leaving my lips, you might say.
Cheers,
Chris.
Now a Quarter Century.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Always Contradictory
I'm apathetic more often than not, cold, jaded, and uncaring. I don't hold much care in what the world does, how it does it, and what comes of events as they pass... But every now and then, my depression subsides, my darkness lights up, and I smile.
I think to myself, in these times, "Maybe life isn't so bad. There is still beauty in this world, as dark as it may seem."
New Years eve, I walked to Shaun's place for celebratory purposes, so that I was not alone. My darkness is always there, a silent passenger that pulls a shroud of misery over much that I do. Yet I couldn't help but stop by the lake as I walked, and admire the lights that adorned the trees for the season, could not help but stop and smile at the sky as fireworks were set off in a beautiful display of vibrant colors, clashing with the overcast night as snow fell around me.
It was a beautiful night, something to savor, where one could look and say... Life isn't so bad.
A new year comes, and another after that, and after that again. More time will pass.
I still sigh at the darkness I see in the world... Things I can do nothing about... My Uncle Maurice passing away, so suddenly... I can't do anything for that. I can't change time, or history, to suit my needs. If I could, I'd have kept myself single these past eight years, instead of walking into disaster after disaster after train wreck.
I'd also have given myself the winning lottery numbers.
Few things now make me smile... Only one of those things is man-made... Technically... and that is Maggie. Otherwise... The natural beauty of the world is really all I can smile at, and think to myself, "what perfection..."
That is, of course, rare in and of itself. However, that being said, it is there.
There's not much to update on... I'm keeping my head above water, and slowly coming into the shallows where I can stand up again. Instead of juggling partial payments and hoping to catch up all at once, I've resolved myself to ignoring one or two bills to catch up another, and then moving on to the next.
So far so good... Kind of. With luck I'll be caught up before March, and if luck is not with me... Well, Income Tax late february, early march, will do that for me.
I'll be 25 years old in four days. A quarter of a century. That should be a benchmark of some kind, I suppose. Should be. Still not sure what I'll do for it... If my sister calls, maybe dinner with her, if she doesn't, then will hang out at Shaun's place.... Again so that I am not alone.
If nothing else, suppose I am at least saving face in not being alone for events.
Cheers,
Chris.
I think to myself, in these times, "Maybe life isn't so bad. There is still beauty in this world, as dark as it may seem."
New Years eve, I walked to Shaun's place for celebratory purposes, so that I was not alone. My darkness is always there, a silent passenger that pulls a shroud of misery over much that I do. Yet I couldn't help but stop by the lake as I walked, and admire the lights that adorned the trees for the season, could not help but stop and smile at the sky as fireworks were set off in a beautiful display of vibrant colors, clashing with the overcast night as snow fell around me.
It was a beautiful night, something to savor, where one could look and say... Life isn't so bad.
A new year comes, and another after that, and after that again. More time will pass.
I still sigh at the darkness I see in the world... Things I can do nothing about... My Uncle Maurice passing away, so suddenly... I can't do anything for that. I can't change time, or history, to suit my needs. If I could, I'd have kept myself single these past eight years, instead of walking into disaster after disaster after train wreck.
I'd also have given myself the winning lottery numbers.
Few things now make me smile... Only one of those things is man-made... Technically... and that is Maggie. Otherwise... The natural beauty of the world is really all I can smile at, and think to myself, "what perfection..."
That is, of course, rare in and of itself. However, that being said, it is there.
There's not much to update on... I'm keeping my head above water, and slowly coming into the shallows where I can stand up again. Instead of juggling partial payments and hoping to catch up all at once, I've resolved myself to ignoring one or two bills to catch up another, and then moving on to the next.
So far so good... Kind of. With luck I'll be caught up before March, and if luck is not with me... Well, Income Tax late february, early march, will do that for me.
I'll be 25 years old in four days. A quarter of a century. That should be a benchmark of some kind, I suppose. Should be. Still not sure what I'll do for it... If my sister calls, maybe dinner with her, if she doesn't, then will hang out at Shaun's place.... Again so that I am not alone.
If nothing else, suppose I am at least saving face in not being alone for events.
Cheers,
Chris.
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