Though it is much more logical to fight fire with water.
I woke up today to an msn post from someone I haven't spoken to in a few weeks, letting me know that Sarah is back to talking about me, stalking my journal still, and even handing the link out to this piece of my mind.
Here I figured I was done with her and done with it. I didn't even have the link to her journal anymore until this came up.
Now, my initial reaction was simple bitching and tossing her own journal link out there. However, it occurred to me that would simply inflame another argument between the involved parties, and I seriously prefer she vanish.
So, I'll be blunt with it, really... Because I see no other way to get the message across.
The following may not all follow my usual literary eloquence.
I don't respond to your journal anymore Sarah, because I DON'T CARE.... You don't exist to me, and good riddance in my opinion.
I don't read your journal, and stopped some time ago, because, simply put, I see no point in reading your "woe is me" bullshit about the daughter you'll never see again, or the cats that Coleman's mother has probably already lost... I see no reason to divulge myself of your sexual exploits with Andrew, because all you talk about there is getting "a good deep dicking" since neither of you know how to do much else.
With that being said... Go, live your life. Get married. Enjoy the custody battle for Demmy if you ever even get that far since Andrew apparently can't even get a job. Though I think you should have figured out by now that she is better off with her father, instead of the mother that abandoned her for a cheap fling on new years.
So, with all of that said.... I've forgotten about you... Why can't you forget about me, hm? Seems a little childish to be obsessed with someone you claim treated you so horribly. Stalking my journal isn't much better than stalking my PoF profile or standing around my house watching to see where I go or what I do.
Thanks for the additional readers, I think I was running a little low on them, due to rare or sporadic updates.
That being said.... Welcome, new readers, to the dark side of my mind. It's darkness doom and gloom OH MY!
The title of this journal IS "The Dark Book" after all. I toss negative thoughts, feelings, etc up here because I can.... No other reason, aside from getting the thoughts off my mind. Things may change when I start seeing a shrink and someone else has to put up with all my pessimistic negativity. Meantime, enjoy hell in a literary eloquence.
Peace,
Chris.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Where Demons fear to Tred
"...a path so dark not even the demons of this world will walk down it alone.. the one that continues to bring me, to You."
Words spoken to me last night by bobbi. Someone long out of my life, emerged from the shadows. Perhaps at an unknown motion, a faint beckoning of a hand, a twitch of a finger that she interpreted to be the go ahead to come forth.
Seems she has always lurked in my shadows, in the darkest recesses of my mind. The one person in this world whom I can be myself around, with no restraint, no guards, no repercussions against my actions.
I found her words almost prophetic. That the road to me, the path to my mind, is so dark, so sinister... That even beings of evil and darkness will not go alone. I took it as a compliment, in my own twisted manner.
I understand my darkness is inside of me, always needing to be controlled, always seeking an outlet. I find it ironic that the outlet tends to be bobbi, despite the fact that she is the one aspect of my life I've kicked, beaten, driven to near madness, and thrown away... She always comes crawling back.
The control I know I have there.... The utter dominion I know I hold over her when not interfered with from outside sources.... Is something to make even the strongest person shiver.
At times it even makes my own mind recoil in revulsion at what I know I am capable of. However, it has always been there, a part of me, inside of me, and always seeking a way out. For the first time in years, last night, I didn't have to try to write. I just... Did.
Ironic that my passion, and muse, would come from someone I thought inconsequential to my development. I merely hope that I was not blocked from that muse from an outside source. I've always found the thought of people fearing me to be both amusing, and appealing.... That bobbi's real time Significant Other is put off by me, fearing my hold on her... Is both amusing and appealing. Until it affects my own goals.
However, that is all circumspect and unknown at the moment.
Gerry has finally come around, realized the error of his ways, such as it were, and is finally willing to pay back the money he owes so as not to use me anymore... Or at least to pay back what he has used. This has been something I have long awaited, and am glad it has finally happened.
I missed my Brother, and look forward to our time together in the future. I need friends after all... Now more than ever.
Farewell,
Chris.
Words spoken to me last night by bobbi. Someone long out of my life, emerged from the shadows. Perhaps at an unknown motion, a faint beckoning of a hand, a twitch of a finger that she interpreted to be the go ahead to come forth.
Seems she has always lurked in my shadows, in the darkest recesses of my mind. The one person in this world whom I can be myself around, with no restraint, no guards, no repercussions against my actions.
I found her words almost prophetic. That the road to me, the path to my mind, is so dark, so sinister... That even beings of evil and darkness will not go alone. I took it as a compliment, in my own twisted manner.
I understand my darkness is inside of me, always needing to be controlled, always seeking an outlet. I find it ironic that the outlet tends to be bobbi, despite the fact that she is the one aspect of my life I've kicked, beaten, driven to near madness, and thrown away... She always comes crawling back.
The control I know I have there.... The utter dominion I know I hold over her when not interfered with from outside sources.... Is something to make even the strongest person shiver.
At times it even makes my own mind recoil in revulsion at what I know I am capable of. However, it has always been there, a part of me, inside of me, and always seeking a way out. For the first time in years, last night, I didn't have to try to write. I just... Did.
Ironic that my passion, and muse, would come from someone I thought inconsequential to my development. I merely hope that I was not blocked from that muse from an outside source. I've always found the thought of people fearing me to be both amusing, and appealing.... That bobbi's real time Significant Other is put off by me, fearing my hold on her... Is both amusing and appealing. Until it affects my own goals.
However, that is all circumspect and unknown at the moment.
Gerry has finally come around, realized the error of his ways, such as it were, and is finally willing to pay back the money he owes so as not to use me anymore... Or at least to pay back what he has used. This has been something I have long awaited, and am glad it has finally happened.
I missed my Brother, and look forward to our time together in the future. I need friends after all... Now more than ever.
Farewell,
Chris.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Trying too Hard
I've been trying to force an entry out, not sure why, or why I feel the need to bother.
Perhaps it's simply wanting to keep people abreast, or to relieve my mind of things in the absence of other help. (Which is to say a shrink).
Of course, I have an appointment on Tuesday to find out if my doctor had any luck finding a female psychiatrist for me or not. I'll not deny that without a woman being in the chair listening and probing, I'll not likely get the help I know I will need. This is something I understand and will admit to, and is likely part of my own twisted mind.
Dreams have been consistent, though bizarre. Such as a dream of Darcy and I going to Ireland for a drinking competition... In the dream I downed 45 shots of whiskey before it had chance to actually affect me. I regretted it in the dream's morning...
I also had a dream where Velrik came to life, and I was his source... If I died, he would die. It made for a very negotiable arrangement. However the dream was merely that, a dream.
My social life exists, though is not as active as I may prefer. I'm still not active in the Community, and know that I likely will not achieve that any time soon. My insomnia is getting the better of me as well... I went to bed Wednesday night at 9:45pm... And was still staring at the clock as 2:30am rolled around.
I can't seem to get myself into the proper mode of sleep. I wake up at 10:30am, an ideal time to wake up, do what needs to be done, and be prepared for work.... And instead, my eyes close again, and I wind up being late. I work from home for fuck sakes.... How the hell are you late from home?
Jesica has admitted feelings for me. Though understands that I'm not looking for anything right now. This of course raises to question the issues, the problems, and the general awkwardness that such a thing represents. I don't mind it, myself, and can usually let it slide... It's been a long time since I've been in a situation like this, with someone crushing on me, and myself unable to return the feelings... However I've been there before.
I can really only let things go as they are, and hope that I either become ready for a relationship, or she moves on. One or the other will eventually happen, I'm sure... Just a matter of which comes first, and where it leads... I cannot guarentee after all, that if I am ready for a relationship, it would end up with her.
I kinda have that standing resolution to let my friends choose my next significant other, in order to avoid Mecca/Sarah disasters that cause all of my friends to utterly hate the woman I'm with. This of course causes things to be a lil tricky... I have enough friends... Just not enough friends that know enough women that might propose a possible match.
I dabble on PoF... For no other reason than to pass the time at work. Same reason I'm on facebook. Though the latter also offers the intriguing conversations I often have with Darcy.
Which has made me realize, as I consider, think, and go over every conversation with her, all the flirting, all the sexual innuendo, all the come ons, passes, and nudity involved.... I'm not turned on by the thought of sex with her.
She's not a sexual fantasy to me... She's someone I did, and do, care for... With this realization did come a form of closure that I hold to the memory of a past that is no more, and in knowing her, as a friend, am able to see it as that, as a memory of something gone, byt worthy of being cherished.
Of course, my discussion of this with Neal was philosophical as always, and he concurs that holding a memory of love is never a problem, unless you let it interfer with your future. I will not deny to having done this in the past, however with this latest revelation, I can say with some certainty, it will not happen again.
I find myself wondering now, as well... If I can write again... Darcy and I had a discussion, about how in my youth I was all doom and gloom... She related it to goth, as opposed to emo, something I was rather thankful for.... Of course, the contrast to the two, is that I was indeed doom and gloom... But I channelled my darkness into passion, into feeling, into driving a force of a whole world around me. It was indeed Dark, but it was filled with feeling... Hardly a "woe is me" form of emotion.... Nearer a, "Life is grim, so let it show itself in truth."... Velrik was born of that Darkness... Logain was birthed on the brink of it... So much that I have done came from that gothic teenager with depression.
It's a pity he was devoured by pessimism and the numbness.
Perhaps he'll emerge again some day... The doom and gloom aspect of the world with a driving passion for creation. I miss that passion, as I have said many times, and hope one day to recover it.
There's not much more for me to say here.... Not tonight anyways... Laundry tomorrow, and a call to my Aunt to see about a couple things. It's strange to keep in touch with family... I even called my Aunt Bernadette to wish her a happy birthday on Tuesday.
All steps to a brighter future, I suppose.
Cheers,
Chris.
PS: Expect a LOT of poetry posted in the next couple of weeks.... Some of my very old work. Geocities is shutting down, so I gotta take it off the site it's hosted on, and this is where it will go.
Perhaps it's simply wanting to keep people abreast, or to relieve my mind of things in the absence of other help. (Which is to say a shrink).
Of course, I have an appointment on Tuesday to find out if my doctor had any luck finding a female psychiatrist for me or not. I'll not deny that without a woman being in the chair listening and probing, I'll not likely get the help I know I will need. This is something I understand and will admit to, and is likely part of my own twisted mind.
Dreams have been consistent, though bizarre. Such as a dream of Darcy and I going to Ireland for a drinking competition... In the dream I downed 45 shots of whiskey before it had chance to actually affect me. I regretted it in the dream's morning...
I also had a dream where Velrik came to life, and I was his source... If I died, he would die. It made for a very negotiable arrangement. However the dream was merely that, a dream.
My social life exists, though is not as active as I may prefer. I'm still not active in the Community, and know that I likely will not achieve that any time soon. My insomnia is getting the better of me as well... I went to bed Wednesday night at 9:45pm... And was still staring at the clock as 2:30am rolled around.
I can't seem to get myself into the proper mode of sleep. I wake up at 10:30am, an ideal time to wake up, do what needs to be done, and be prepared for work.... And instead, my eyes close again, and I wind up being late. I work from home for fuck sakes.... How the hell are you late from home?
Jesica has admitted feelings for me. Though understands that I'm not looking for anything right now. This of course raises to question the issues, the problems, and the general awkwardness that such a thing represents. I don't mind it, myself, and can usually let it slide... It's been a long time since I've been in a situation like this, with someone crushing on me, and myself unable to return the feelings... However I've been there before.
I can really only let things go as they are, and hope that I either become ready for a relationship, or she moves on. One or the other will eventually happen, I'm sure... Just a matter of which comes first, and where it leads... I cannot guarentee after all, that if I am ready for a relationship, it would end up with her.
I kinda have that standing resolution to let my friends choose my next significant other, in order to avoid Mecca/Sarah disasters that cause all of my friends to utterly hate the woman I'm with. This of course causes things to be a lil tricky... I have enough friends... Just not enough friends that know enough women that might propose a possible match.
I dabble on PoF... For no other reason than to pass the time at work. Same reason I'm on facebook. Though the latter also offers the intriguing conversations I often have with Darcy.
Which has made me realize, as I consider, think, and go over every conversation with her, all the flirting, all the sexual innuendo, all the come ons, passes, and nudity involved.... I'm not turned on by the thought of sex with her.
She's not a sexual fantasy to me... She's someone I did, and do, care for... With this realization did come a form of closure that I hold to the memory of a past that is no more, and in knowing her, as a friend, am able to see it as that, as a memory of something gone, byt worthy of being cherished.
Of course, my discussion of this with Neal was philosophical as always, and he concurs that holding a memory of love is never a problem, unless you let it interfer with your future. I will not deny to having done this in the past, however with this latest revelation, I can say with some certainty, it will not happen again.
I find myself wondering now, as well... If I can write again... Darcy and I had a discussion, about how in my youth I was all doom and gloom... She related it to goth, as opposed to emo, something I was rather thankful for.... Of course, the contrast to the two, is that I was indeed doom and gloom... But I channelled my darkness into passion, into feeling, into driving a force of a whole world around me. It was indeed Dark, but it was filled with feeling... Hardly a "woe is me" form of emotion.... Nearer a, "Life is grim, so let it show itself in truth."... Velrik was born of that Darkness... Logain was birthed on the brink of it... So much that I have done came from that gothic teenager with depression.
It's a pity he was devoured by pessimism and the numbness.
Perhaps he'll emerge again some day... The doom and gloom aspect of the world with a driving passion for creation. I miss that passion, as I have said many times, and hope one day to recover it.
There's not much more for me to say here.... Not tonight anyways... Laundry tomorrow, and a call to my Aunt to see about a couple things. It's strange to keep in touch with family... I even called my Aunt Bernadette to wish her a happy birthday on Tuesday.
All steps to a brighter future, I suppose.
Cheers,
Chris.
PS: Expect a LOT of poetry posted in the next couple of weeks.... Some of my very old work. Geocities is shutting down, so I gotta take it off the site it's hosted on, and this is where it will go.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Eventful Week
This week has been intriguing, to say the least. It has had good and bad, but for the first time in some time, mostly good.
I started work once again on monday, to learn that Home Agents get Leave Early thrown at them consistently, which is fun in some ways, and a horrible trap in others.
A downside to starting work, is that my sleep schedule has turned on its head. I've gone from sleeping 6-7 hours nightly, and being up around 10:30-11am, to sleeping in past 1pm. This of course is a bad thing, when I start work at 11:30am and need to get lunch before I begin work.
However, this is something I will adapt too, somehow... Though it can be rather difficult as I stare at the ceiling for hours on end as my mind runs a mile a minute. In the past, this rushing myriad of thoughts came out in conversation with Sarah, or before that, Mecca. However, on my own, once again, I'm left with whirling thoughts, possibilities, and scenarios.
It is of course nothing I concern with too much, as I'll overcome it, either by laying down earlier, or perhaps reading before sleep (reading seems to slow my thought process down).
Wednesday was a most intriguing day. I worked the holiday of canada's day... Which is really a must considering I started work a week later than anticipated. However it was not the work which astounded me, or caused the day on a whole to be mind blowing... No, it was, instead, whom I came in contact with.
Darcy.
Anyone whom has read my journal in the past, anyone whom knows me, or has ever inquired to my past love life, knows of Darcy. The first woman I ever loved, when I was young, merely a boy striving for manhood.
Thus the first pitfall of FaceBook has become apparent to me.
Darcy and I spoke for several hours wednesday night, catching up on old times, learning of each other in the decade which has past since our last conversation, our last interaction. Reminiscing briefly on that time we did have together. I suppose I shouldn't expect much of it, it was, to me, a tale of first/true love, for her, it was merely a remnant of her past.
She's more amazing now than she ever was in her youth. Both in beauty, brains, and more. She's happily engaged to an older man, and I wish her the best in her endeavor there. It is not precisely closure for me, as I don't think such a thing exists so easily... However, it was a revelation in the union.
That night, I actually had a dream of her. One unique, and perverse in it's simplicity. I was granted immortality, under the condition I did not ever touch a modern weapon... This was an easily met condition, of course (anyone knowing me, knows I prefer swords anyways).
I somehow became the husband of Darcy. Through artificial insemination, she gave me a daughter when she was in her mid-forties. She passed away in her late sixties. When she did, her daughter took her place. In my dream, this went on for several generations before things became complicated with outside influence.
When I woke up, it had occured to me... It is not -that- unthinkable. There are families who have served the same royalty for several generations, one butler to the next to the next and so on. It is not really too much more unreasonable to see such a similar set up with a concubine/mistress.
An interesting dream only. I shared it with her, and we had a rather brief philosophical discussion on it... She of course pointed out that there were easier women to attain for such a purpose than herself. I had to agree... Though in my mind, not sure there would be more perfect than her.
It is a cruel countenance. I must, somehow, let that part of me go, close that chapter on my life, and cease to dwell on the past. At this point, any relationship I touch will be tainted with the sum that was my first love, a comparison that can never measure up to the past. This in turn dooms my love life to failure. You cannot love someone with your all, if there is part of you in the past loving another out of your reach.
Something to work out on my own, in good time.
Sarah posted a journal entry, surmising as she has often done, the past to the present. She also summarized the events of our final night in each other's presence. Nothing I am proud of, however enough people know of those events to have already past judgement on me.
Such is life.
I'm running on the assumption, with that post made in her journal, that she and I are finally done with each other in all manner of things. Which is at least another chapter closed. She regrets several of the things she left behind, from her stuffed pikachu, to a wiimote I found under some bags... All of which went into the garbage the monday after she left.
Perhaps a harsh act, and cruel, however so was a police escort in my home when I had been less than an hour out of the hospital. I made sure to ask her she had everything she wanted. She said she did, and didn't want to ever see me or be in my home again anyways. So I took that as liberty to remove it.
Today was a party at Shaun's place. Though it took several hours to organize (after a week of planning)... A night of fun and merriment in cards and drink turned into a five hour road trip when Shaun got a call from Becca to say she had lost her car key and the spare wasn't starting the ignition.
So Cory was kind enough to give us a ride to Hamilton to help Shaun out in getting his spare key to Rebecca for the car.
The trip there was smooth, took us less than two hours to get there, find Becca, and get the key to work. The trip back? It was like we entered the Twilight Zone.
Shaun was guiding us on our route back to the highway... The first exit? Closed for Construction... So we turn and paralel the highway... Second exit north? Closed for Construction.
We ended up turning into Adventure Mountain or some such place to have a little pow wow. My logic dictated simply, if we go further south, taking the QEW towards Niagra, we could then take an offramp and detour to the northern side.
This, thankfully, proved effective. Sadly, the effectiveness of this maneuver put us dead in the middle of the construction on that side of the highway. Three lanes closed, and pure gridlock. After an hour and a half of this wondrous crawl, we escaped the other side and made rather good time.
Leaving at 10:00pm, and coming home at 2:50am however, is not necessarily my idea of the best way to spend a night. However, over all, it was time spent with friends, and as such, was a good night over all. Much better than being home alone watching tv.
However now I sit here with a Whiskey and Coke, glad to relax before I go to bed for the night. It's a good night, over all, and I'm happy with the end result.
Welcome to a world where life isn't so bad, I guess.
Chris.
I started work once again on monday, to learn that Home Agents get Leave Early thrown at them consistently, which is fun in some ways, and a horrible trap in others.
A downside to starting work, is that my sleep schedule has turned on its head. I've gone from sleeping 6-7 hours nightly, and being up around 10:30-11am, to sleeping in past 1pm. This of course is a bad thing, when I start work at 11:30am and need to get lunch before I begin work.
However, this is something I will adapt too, somehow... Though it can be rather difficult as I stare at the ceiling for hours on end as my mind runs a mile a minute. In the past, this rushing myriad of thoughts came out in conversation with Sarah, or before that, Mecca. However, on my own, once again, I'm left with whirling thoughts, possibilities, and scenarios.
It is of course nothing I concern with too much, as I'll overcome it, either by laying down earlier, or perhaps reading before sleep (reading seems to slow my thought process down).
Wednesday was a most intriguing day. I worked the holiday of canada's day... Which is really a must considering I started work a week later than anticipated. However it was not the work which astounded me, or caused the day on a whole to be mind blowing... No, it was, instead, whom I came in contact with.
Darcy.
Anyone whom has read my journal in the past, anyone whom knows me, or has ever inquired to my past love life, knows of Darcy. The first woman I ever loved, when I was young, merely a boy striving for manhood.
Thus the first pitfall of FaceBook has become apparent to me.
Darcy and I spoke for several hours wednesday night, catching up on old times, learning of each other in the decade which has past since our last conversation, our last interaction. Reminiscing briefly on that time we did have together. I suppose I shouldn't expect much of it, it was, to me, a tale of first/true love, for her, it was merely a remnant of her past.
She's more amazing now than she ever was in her youth. Both in beauty, brains, and more. She's happily engaged to an older man, and I wish her the best in her endeavor there. It is not precisely closure for me, as I don't think such a thing exists so easily... However, it was a revelation in the union.
That night, I actually had a dream of her. One unique, and perverse in it's simplicity. I was granted immortality, under the condition I did not ever touch a modern weapon... This was an easily met condition, of course (anyone knowing me, knows I prefer swords anyways).
I somehow became the husband of Darcy. Through artificial insemination, she gave me a daughter when she was in her mid-forties. She passed away in her late sixties. When she did, her daughter took her place. In my dream, this went on for several generations before things became complicated with outside influence.
When I woke up, it had occured to me... It is not -that- unthinkable. There are families who have served the same royalty for several generations, one butler to the next to the next and so on. It is not really too much more unreasonable to see such a similar set up with a concubine/mistress.
An interesting dream only. I shared it with her, and we had a rather brief philosophical discussion on it... She of course pointed out that there were easier women to attain for such a purpose than herself. I had to agree... Though in my mind, not sure there would be more perfect than her.
It is a cruel countenance. I must, somehow, let that part of me go, close that chapter on my life, and cease to dwell on the past. At this point, any relationship I touch will be tainted with the sum that was my first love, a comparison that can never measure up to the past. This in turn dooms my love life to failure. You cannot love someone with your all, if there is part of you in the past loving another out of your reach.
Something to work out on my own, in good time.
Sarah posted a journal entry, surmising as she has often done, the past to the present. She also summarized the events of our final night in each other's presence. Nothing I am proud of, however enough people know of those events to have already past judgement on me.
Such is life.
I'm running on the assumption, with that post made in her journal, that she and I are finally done with each other in all manner of things. Which is at least another chapter closed. She regrets several of the things she left behind, from her stuffed pikachu, to a wiimote I found under some bags... All of which went into the garbage the monday after she left.
Perhaps a harsh act, and cruel, however so was a police escort in my home when I had been less than an hour out of the hospital. I made sure to ask her she had everything she wanted. She said she did, and didn't want to ever see me or be in my home again anyways. So I took that as liberty to remove it.
Today was a party at Shaun's place. Though it took several hours to organize (after a week of planning)... A night of fun and merriment in cards and drink turned into a five hour road trip when Shaun got a call from Becca to say she had lost her car key and the spare wasn't starting the ignition.
So Cory was kind enough to give us a ride to Hamilton to help Shaun out in getting his spare key to Rebecca for the car.
The trip there was smooth, took us less than two hours to get there, find Becca, and get the key to work. The trip back? It was like we entered the Twilight Zone.
Shaun was guiding us on our route back to the highway... The first exit? Closed for Construction... So we turn and paralel the highway... Second exit north? Closed for Construction.
We ended up turning into Adventure Mountain or some such place to have a little pow wow. My logic dictated simply, if we go further south, taking the QEW towards Niagra, we could then take an offramp and detour to the northern side.
This, thankfully, proved effective. Sadly, the effectiveness of this maneuver put us dead in the middle of the construction on that side of the highway. Three lanes closed, and pure gridlock. After an hour and a half of this wondrous crawl, we escaped the other side and made rather good time.
Leaving at 10:00pm, and coming home at 2:50am however, is not necessarily my idea of the best way to spend a night. However, over all, it was time spent with friends, and as such, was a good night over all. Much better than being home alone watching tv.
However now I sit here with a Whiskey and Coke, glad to relax before I go to bed for the night. It's a good night, over all, and I'm happy with the end result.
Welcome to a world where life isn't so bad, I guess.
Chris.
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