So I've been in a bit of a blah'ish mood as of late, and haven't had the desire to post. However as the days pass by and I see more and more things happening with me, I've had more and more cause to write.
It's nearing the end of another year... The fifth since I've started writing in this blog as opposed to the message board I had before this, and the basic pen and paper journal I had before that.
It's the longest I've ever held to doing something even semi-regularly, which says something. Though I have noticed, going back and reading my journals over the past few days, that there tends to be consistently, only two moods.... Over-joyed and happy when I'm with someone, or depressed and melancholy when I'm not.
There is rarely a happy medium. There was, admittedly, a nice little high step when I moved into my current room and board, as it is a vast improvement over where I lived previously and even comparable to the place I had all to myself before that. Moreso, it offers a few comforts my last solo residence didn't have. Such as near access to a few friends.
Well, the place on Wellington DID offer that, until Shaun moved to the south end, then I moved out of barrie, and I've not spoken to him since. Which saddens me on many levels, but I accept it on others that say, "it's life, and I know when life's chapters close."
A truly depressing thing happened today. I was rushing over my bed to my desk to grab a gift for a friend... A burned copy of a show... And as I bounced across the bed (stepped to be precise) to go back to the door... I heard a sickening crunch... "No...." screamed my mind... "oh god, no no no no no".... As I jumped off the bed and swiftly grabbed my ereader from the bed.... near to tears over the shattered screen.... "No, please no..." I whispered as I turned it on, watching as the cracked sleep mode image flared up.... and remained on the screen.
I have no ereader, again... Broken.... Shattered... Lost. It's enough to make me want to cry...
Tomorrow I have my appointment with the genetics clinic to see what can be seen. Aside from that, I have little in my life worth speaking of that is on a really positive note. My phone is out of service, since rogers reamed me hardcore on my calling features that I was unaware of until too late.
I'm currently waiting for a sim card from Bell (the same people that provide my internet service) so that I can once more be connected to the world in more ways than MSN... Since so few people I know even use it anymore.
New phone service means new bills... At the time when my computer is struggling to do anything... and at the same time when I just lost my only true entertainment (books)...
Wow... Ain't this a depressing post...
Other than a few SNAFUs and the odd FUBAR... Things are going as they have been going. Painfully slow and agonizingly bereft of change. I'm hoping I might change that, but the when, and how, of that change, is yet to be seen.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Degradation
It's getting worse.
What is? You ask. Me. My malady.
I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy. I don't care. I just need to get it out there. It's getting worse. I can feel it, on a daily basis now. People have noticed it, I've noticed it. Things I could do a year ago with little effort, I find myself struggling with now.
I used to have strength in my hands, now it seems... Childish. I don't have the strength in my grip to even make a cat want to run away, more a minor inconvenience to the animal. Swinging a flogger is more effort than it was when chandra was here. There's more effort forced out of me to do anything, it seems.
I saw a specialist a couple weeks ago. He saw it in my hands and my face, and he says in my legs as well, though not near as much. My old neighbor from when I was in newmarket... She says she noticed it when she saw me here, that I seem worse off than I was.
My muscular dystrophy is degrading, and I'm not sure what I can do to stop it. I walk daily, not much, only a couple blocks, but even that makes me labour for breath, though I try and hide it. Going from Travis and Kait's place to my bedroom leaves me winded and makes my heart pound in my chest.
These are minor things, two flights of stairs only. Why would this hurt me so much? I'm 26 and I should have been in a wheel chair six years ago according to original analysis. I beat those odds, but the more I live like this, the more I feel the strength seep out of my muscles, I find myself wondering how much longer I -can- beat the odds?
I'm not in a position where being disabled is an acceptable outcome. This house isn't wheelchair friendly, and stairs and rises aside, even if I needed a wheelchair, I've no idea where it would go, where it could be put when -not- in use. There's no room, not downstairs, not in the basement, sure as hell not in my room. It wouldn't even be the kind you can fold up and tuck away... If a man can't even muster the grip or strength to turn a pop bottle cap (I use my teeth now......), where the hell is he going to get the strength to push himself around in a chair. Those motorized chairs ain't cheap, and they ain't small.
Even as I sit here, thinking about this, and realizing I may actually cry because of it... I know I need to find a solution, a way around it, and a way to fix this eventuality. Not sure how you can fix such an eventuality, but... I don't know. I need to find a way.
Travis found an article, or more accurately, something that amazed him... A kid with a genetic birth mutation... His body doesn't develop fat the same way as a normal human, the result is a 4 year old macho man, a kid that is pure muscle and able to do amazing feats of strength, because his body doesn't metabolize fat.
We were looking at it, he wanted to know what it was called. By luck, not only did I find it, but an article about it. Myostatin. It's a muscle growth inhibitor protein the body produces. This child doesn't produce enough of it, which causes his body to develop muscle at an alarming rate. This could be the answer to muscular dystrophy, researchers say. Such a thing may not in the near future -cure- muscular dystrophy, and other muscle myopathies, but could delays their progression, could slow them down.
I feel like I'm past the half way mark here. I'm not near the end, but how long will it be before my hands are ineffectual claws with no response whatsoever? How long until I can't type 90+ words per minute, but instead need to chicken peck in hopes of managing a complete sentence sometime within an hour. If this myostatin is a slow down for what MD does, that is great... But what's the point of slowing down the inevitable, when the inevitable is closer to coming than it is to going?
My hands are stiff already, they don't make fists the way they should, they don't unclench the way they should, and even the muscle memory for typing causes my hands to ache after a couple hours of moving on the keyboard. Video games on a console aren't as bad, but nor are they easy for me.
I know this seems to be a huge pity party for what I have and what I'm going through, but it's not. It's me thinking of the eventuality that I face, and putting it down to words so I can think about it, where I am, and where I'm going.
I don't need pity, or, "I'm so sorry for you." or anything else. I don't even need understanding. Whatever you may think of what I'm saying here, it is, as it always has been, for me.
I'm in a healthy environment. For the first time in a long time, I'm in a place of security, kindness, and dare I say, love. Not necessarily saying love for me, but a general comfort level that says this is a safe place and a good environment to be in. Kathie and Tippi are great, and Jim, though definitely a bit of a creeper, doesn't get in my way and doesn't cause issues, so he's fine as far as I'm concerned.
I'm just enjoying that right now. It's a way to feel like I'm a part of something, even when I know I'm not.
I have two more specialist appointments in october, a week apart. I'm hoping the doctor will have the information from my family medical history by then. That is a "wow" thing too.
Over 15 months ago, I gave my family doctor all the contact information and tidbits I had to get in touch with IWK that has my cousin's medical information who was diagnosed with centronuclear muscle myopothy, a form of muscular dystrophy that develops at any time during life, and ranges in severity. It's my family medical history, and it is what is available.
In 15 months, my family doctor has NOTHING.... Not a damned thing, no, "They say this..." or, "I still need that..." Not a damned thing. He has no information, no extra requests, nadda. I gave this specialist the same information, and within four days I had a call from his receptionist, "Hello, Mr. MacLeod? Hi. We got in touch with them, they need your middle name and birth date, as well as your cousin's middle name and birthdate. She will have to sign a release as well to give the information. Once we have that, it will be easy going."
Four days. Four fucking days and they've made infinitely more progress than my family doctor did in FIFTEEN FUCKING MONTHS.
I got back to them next day and gave them all the information I had garnered from my aunt. I'm waiting for Joan to get back to me to know if Uncle Jimmy or his son or another cousin, are with IWK as well for the release of -their- medical history. Any family medical history I can get, the better for the end result to know what I have to look forward to, and what can be done to ease the process.
Dr. Arts said there's nothing he can do. He was straight forward with that, "If you have this illness, there is no cure, I can't help you with this once we know." ... I told him that was fine, that I wanted the information to know WHAT I had, how bad it was, and what is to come.
No cure. *sigh* Anything is all trial and speculation. What can I do?
I don't want a cure. I want closure. I want to know why I have these problems, exact reasons, other than, "I have MD." I want to be able to help other people with it. If data from me will help someone in the future, my family, or in research, or... whatever... I want that.
------------------------
I'm sure I had more to write about, but I'm at a loss for what those things are right now. I'm just going to go watch another episode of Lost Girl and wait until I know more about what my life is going to amount to.
Cheers.
What is? You ask. Me. My malady.
I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy. I don't care. I just need to get it out there. It's getting worse. I can feel it, on a daily basis now. People have noticed it, I've noticed it. Things I could do a year ago with little effort, I find myself struggling with now.
I used to have strength in my hands, now it seems... Childish. I don't have the strength in my grip to even make a cat want to run away, more a minor inconvenience to the animal. Swinging a flogger is more effort than it was when chandra was here. There's more effort forced out of me to do anything, it seems.
I saw a specialist a couple weeks ago. He saw it in my hands and my face, and he says in my legs as well, though not near as much. My old neighbor from when I was in newmarket... She says she noticed it when she saw me here, that I seem worse off than I was.
My muscular dystrophy is degrading, and I'm not sure what I can do to stop it. I walk daily, not much, only a couple blocks, but even that makes me labour for breath, though I try and hide it. Going from Travis and Kait's place to my bedroom leaves me winded and makes my heart pound in my chest.
These are minor things, two flights of stairs only. Why would this hurt me so much? I'm 26 and I should have been in a wheel chair six years ago according to original analysis. I beat those odds, but the more I live like this, the more I feel the strength seep out of my muscles, I find myself wondering how much longer I -can- beat the odds?
I'm not in a position where being disabled is an acceptable outcome. This house isn't wheelchair friendly, and stairs and rises aside, even if I needed a wheelchair, I've no idea where it would go, where it could be put when -not- in use. There's no room, not downstairs, not in the basement, sure as hell not in my room. It wouldn't even be the kind you can fold up and tuck away... If a man can't even muster the grip or strength to turn a pop bottle cap (I use my teeth now......), where the hell is he going to get the strength to push himself around in a chair. Those motorized chairs ain't cheap, and they ain't small.
Even as I sit here, thinking about this, and realizing I may actually cry because of it... I know I need to find a solution, a way around it, and a way to fix this eventuality. Not sure how you can fix such an eventuality, but... I don't know. I need to find a way.
Travis found an article, or more accurately, something that amazed him... A kid with a genetic birth mutation... His body doesn't develop fat the same way as a normal human, the result is a 4 year old macho man, a kid that is pure muscle and able to do amazing feats of strength, because his body doesn't metabolize fat.
We were looking at it, he wanted to know what it was called. By luck, not only did I find it, but an article about it. Myostatin. It's a muscle growth inhibitor protein the body produces. This child doesn't produce enough of it, which causes his body to develop muscle at an alarming rate. This could be the answer to muscular dystrophy, researchers say. Such a thing may not in the near future -cure- muscular dystrophy, and other muscle myopathies, but could delays their progression, could slow them down.
I feel like I'm past the half way mark here. I'm not near the end, but how long will it be before my hands are ineffectual claws with no response whatsoever? How long until I can't type 90+ words per minute, but instead need to chicken peck in hopes of managing a complete sentence sometime within an hour. If this myostatin is a slow down for what MD does, that is great... But what's the point of slowing down the inevitable, when the inevitable is closer to coming than it is to going?
My hands are stiff already, they don't make fists the way they should, they don't unclench the way they should, and even the muscle memory for typing causes my hands to ache after a couple hours of moving on the keyboard. Video games on a console aren't as bad, but nor are they easy for me.
I know this seems to be a huge pity party for what I have and what I'm going through, but it's not. It's me thinking of the eventuality that I face, and putting it down to words so I can think about it, where I am, and where I'm going.
I don't need pity, or, "I'm so sorry for you." or anything else. I don't even need understanding. Whatever you may think of what I'm saying here, it is, as it always has been, for me.
I'm in a healthy environment. For the first time in a long time, I'm in a place of security, kindness, and dare I say, love. Not necessarily saying love for me, but a general comfort level that says this is a safe place and a good environment to be in. Kathie and Tippi are great, and Jim, though definitely a bit of a creeper, doesn't get in my way and doesn't cause issues, so he's fine as far as I'm concerned.
I'm just enjoying that right now. It's a way to feel like I'm a part of something, even when I know I'm not.
I have two more specialist appointments in october, a week apart. I'm hoping the doctor will have the information from my family medical history by then. That is a "wow" thing too.
Over 15 months ago, I gave my family doctor all the contact information and tidbits I had to get in touch with IWK that has my cousin's medical information who was diagnosed with centronuclear muscle myopothy, a form of muscular dystrophy that develops at any time during life, and ranges in severity. It's my family medical history, and it is what is available.
In 15 months, my family doctor has NOTHING.... Not a damned thing, no, "They say this..." or, "I still need that..." Not a damned thing. He has no information, no extra requests, nadda. I gave this specialist the same information, and within four days I had a call from his receptionist, "Hello, Mr. MacLeod? Hi. We got in touch with them, they need your middle name and birth date, as well as your cousin's middle name and birthdate. She will have to sign a release as well to give the information. Once we have that, it will be easy going."
Four days. Four fucking days and they've made infinitely more progress than my family doctor did in FIFTEEN FUCKING MONTHS.
I got back to them next day and gave them all the information I had garnered from my aunt. I'm waiting for Joan to get back to me to know if Uncle Jimmy or his son or another cousin, are with IWK as well for the release of -their- medical history. Any family medical history I can get, the better for the end result to know what I have to look forward to, and what can be done to ease the process.
Dr. Arts said there's nothing he can do. He was straight forward with that, "If you have this illness, there is no cure, I can't help you with this once we know." ... I told him that was fine, that I wanted the information to know WHAT I had, how bad it was, and what is to come.
No cure. *sigh* Anything is all trial and speculation. What can I do?
I don't want a cure. I want closure. I want to know why I have these problems, exact reasons, other than, "I have MD." I want to be able to help other people with it. If data from me will help someone in the future, my family, or in research, or... whatever... I want that.
------------------------
I'm sure I had more to write about, but I'm at a loss for what those things are right now. I'm just going to go watch another episode of Lost Girl and wait until I know more about what my life is going to amount to.
Cheers.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Karma.
I know the age old addage of not feeling joy in the suffering of others, however in this instance, I think I'm entitled.
My evening consisted of going to the Barrie September "Back to school" munch. I wasn't going to go, however the prodding of my friends decided it for me. Admittedly, a cab ride there and back for two drinks and seeing a dozen people I consider friends... Maybe not the best spent money.
However the news I received while there.... Well, cab there... $20. Cab home. $18. Two drinks, free. Hearing that your former roommate who stole your property and fucked you over for almost a grand was raided by the cops and carted off........ Priceless. There's some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's money.
So hearing that news made my night. And made it in a big way. I shouldn't find delight in it, however it was beyond worthwhile for having delight in it.
There's not a lot to report otherwise. I'm still single, still living in a single room of a beautiful house. Travis and Kait moved into the basement apartment, so my free time is spent hanging out with them when they'll have me - which is often - and playing games, chillaxing, and over all just having friends that matter.
Not sure what else to say here... I'm really only making an entry to express the abundant joy at knowing Brigham got what he deserved.
So yeah... there's your update for those who still read this. Cheers.
My evening consisted of going to the Barrie September "Back to school" munch. I wasn't going to go, however the prodding of my friends decided it for me. Admittedly, a cab ride there and back for two drinks and seeing a dozen people I consider friends... Maybe not the best spent money.
However the news I received while there.... Well, cab there... $20. Cab home. $18. Two drinks, free. Hearing that your former roommate who stole your property and fucked you over for almost a grand was raided by the cops and carted off........ Priceless. There's some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's money.
So hearing that news made my night. And made it in a big way. I shouldn't find delight in it, however it was beyond worthwhile for having delight in it.
There's not a lot to report otherwise. I'm still single, still living in a single room of a beautiful house. Travis and Kait moved into the basement apartment, so my free time is spent hanging out with them when they'll have me - which is often - and playing games, chillaxing, and over all just having friends that matter.
Not sure what else to say here... I'm really only making an entry to express the abundant joy at knowing Brigham got what he deserved.
So yeah... there's your update for those who still read this. Cheers.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Dark mind, Darker thoughts
Right to the core of things.
I've loved a woman for over 12 years, she was the first woman I ever loved, and the only woman I ever broke up with. Darcy has been the biggest "what if" in my life for a very long time, for, well, nigh on 11 years when we broke up.
She's likely been the root of a lot of my commitment issues, that any woman I'm ever with, is compared to the perfection I see in Darcy, the beauty, intelligence, wit, sexuality, so on so forth. Except that Darcy is my dream girl, and who can ever compare to a dream?
Darcy has been back in my life for almost three years now, coming out of nowhere, a blast from the past, and in my life, talking, chatting, and friends. Just, friends. She's engaged, she's in another province, she has her own life to lead. Friends. Though even that has never changed my feelings for her.
I'm not sure if I'm special, or unique, or if she went to several people for comfort, or if I was convenient, or if she actually chose me over others... But a tragedy struck her life over the weekend, and she called me. I was there for her, dropped everything I was doing to speak with her, talk to her, comfort her, console her as I could. I let her know I am always there for her, and always will be.
Perhaps that is what happened last night, that she decided to take advantage of that, though I wasn't the first person she told, she had been drinking with someone else, and with her sister as well... But she called me. Her and her fiance broke up. She's single.
See that? Mind blown, right there. I'm torn between doing the -right- thing, and being there for her, just talking, letting her know I am here, and being a supportive friend, and dropping my entire world, my entire life, and going to her. Going to another province, starting another life, and taking what I've wanted for a decade or more.
So far, I'm holding to the good and proper, and decent thing to do. Truth be told, it's better at the moment to do it that way, as I know where that leads.
Someone asked me last night, what I intended to do about it, when I knew that Darcy was quite possibly the root of my commitment issues, and I was three solutions. The obvious being that I continue as I am, and die alone and miserable, or less obvious, Darcy and I could be together, and live happily ever after, or we could be together, the dream and fantasy will shatter, and we'll break up and I'll move on and live as I should live.
Of course, of those three options, I see the first being the far more likely. And then people wonder why I tried to kill myself. My future holds such amazing prospects, doesn't it?
I've taken today to myself. To meditate, to recenter myself. As I have to recenter after the 3am phone call from her telling me she and he broke up.
Other events... I have friends. Actual friends, not mere acquaintances... I've been spending a fair amount of time hanging out with Travis and Kait, going over to their place, them coming here, going to the mall, mostly their place, video games, tv, drinking, relaxing, sparring (busted my hand to shit on sunday sparring with him... it's just starting to heal, still a lil stiff), and just plain shooting the shit.
I say that I have actual friends, because it isn't merely me poking them saying, "wanna hang out? what are you up to? wanna do stuff?" it's both ways... They ask what I'm up to as much as I do, and they invite me over, ask to come over, want to hang out as often.
It's a rather great feeling as opposed to being avoided or side stepped, or vaguely tolerated even when you do hang out with people you think are your friends. I'm an abrasive person at times, and that is just plain standard in truth. However, that is life, and not everyone can stand me when I'm abrasive in that form.
There's not a lot else to share... It seems I'll be getting a hedgehog for a pet sometime in mid-late august. Which is utterly awesome. Though it's going to cinch my wallet a lil bit for the month, however I'm getting used to that, and I need the companionship for the solo time that I'm here, something to keep my company, to talk to, to hear my inner most thoughts when no one else should, could, or would.
Life is going in an interesting direction, and I hope that it can find a more appropriate path, though so far, so good.
Cheers.
I've loved a woman for over 12 years, she was the first woman I ever loved, and the only woman I ever broke up with. Darcy has been the biggest "what if" in my life for a very long time, for, well, nigh on 11 years when we broke up.
She's likely been the root of a lot of my commitment issues, that any woman I'm ever with, is compared to the perfection I see in Darcy, the beauty, intelligence, wit, sexuality, so on so forth. Except that Darcy is my dream girl, and who can ever compare to a dream?
Darcy has been back in my life for almost three years now, coming out of nowhere, a blast from the past, and in my life, talking, chatting, and friends. Just, friends. She's engaged, she's in another province, she has her own life to lead. Friends. Though even that has never changed my feelings for her.
I'm not sure if I'm special, or unique, or if she went to several people for comfort, or if I was convenient, or if she actually chose me over others... But a tragedy struck her life over the weekend, and she called me. I was there for her, dropped everything I was doing to speak with her, talk to her, comfort her, console her as I could. I let her know I am always there for her, and always will be.
Perhaps that is what happened last night, that she decided to take advantage of that, though I wasn't the first person she told, she had been drinking with someone else, and with her sister as well... But she called me. Her and her fiance broke up. She's single.
See that? Mind blown, right there. I'm torn between doing the -right- thing, and being there for her, just talking, letting her know I am here, and being a supportive friend, and dropping my entire world, my entire life, and going to her. Going to another province, starting another life, and taking what I've wanted for a decade or more.
So far, I'm holding to the good and proper, and decent thing to do. Truth be told, it's better at the moment to do it that way, as I know where that leads.
Someone asked me last night, what I intended to do about it, when I knew that Darcy was quite possibly the root of my commitment issues, and I was three solutions. The obvious being that I continue as I am, and die alone and miserable, or less obvious, Darcy and I could be together, and live happily ever after, or we could be together, the dream and fantasy will shatter, and we'll break up and I'll move on and live as I should live.
Of course, of those three options, I see the first being the far more likely. And then people wonder why I tried to kill myself. My future holds such amazing prospects, doesn't it?
I've taken today to myself. To meditate, to recenter myself. As I have to recenter after the 3am phone call from her telling me she and he broke up.
Other events... I have friends. Actual friends, not mere acquaintances... I've been spending a fair amount of time hanging out with Travis and Kait, going over to their place, them coming here, going to the mall, mostly their place, video games, tv, drinking, relaxing, sparring (busted my hand to shit on sunday sparring with him... it's just starting to heal, still a lil stiff), and just plain shooting the shit.
I say that I have actual friends, because it isn't merely me poking them saying, "wanna hang out? what are you up to? wanna do stuff?" it's both ways... They ask what I'm up to as much as I do, and they invite me over, ask to come over, want to hang out as often.
It's a rather great feeling as opposed to being avoided or side stepped, or vaguely tolerated even when you do hang out with people you think are your friends. I'm an abrasive person at times, and that is just plain standard in truth. However, that is life, and not everyone can stand me when I'm abrasive in that form.
There's not a lot else to share... It seems I'll be getting a hedgehog for a pet sometime in mid-late august. Which is utterly awesome. Though it's going to cinch my wallet a lil bit for the month, however I'm getting used to that, and I need the companionship for the solo time that I'm here, something to keep my company, to talk to, to hear my inner most thoughts when no one else should, could, or would.
Life is going in an interesting direction, and I hope that it can find a more appropriate path, though so far, so good.
Cheers.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Timely Update
The problem with human beings is that we mourn death, when we should be celebrating life. - Me... Or maybe someone important. I dunno. Credit to whoever said it.
I have come to a conclusion. It is harder to write a journal entry when there is nothing bad going on, than when there is. After all, when things are going good, there's not a lot to share. "Things are utterly fabulous. Yay!"? Well, suppose that would work, but makes for some pretty boring reading.
That being said, I have been here for just over a month, in fact, as of last night, I paid my rent for July.
So I've been here for just over a month. This is when the calf eyes over the, "omg I'm out of my last situation, nothing could be better" effect should wear off. And I'm sure it has. I've settled into routine, and I'm still enjoying it here. The people are friendly, the location is ideal, the place comes inclusive with central air, a roommate that plays cards, and a pool. All of this hasn't changed.
I'm admittedly losing my fridge space, which makes me a little leary if I ever actually do some shopping (which I should do this month at some point, in fact, probably next weekend). But that is an easily corrected thing, and hardly an issue.
So a month in, and I still have no real complaints. Kathie isn't siphoning my money out of my wallet faster than I can make it, Tippi isn't a drunken louse who just doesn't know when to quit. Hell, even Amber (Kathie's daughter), comes over for whole days at a time (is here now in fact), and I don't even notice her presence unless I go downstairs and into the kitchen where she will say "hi" or thank me for one of the movies I burned for her and her daughter.
A month in and I'm golden. My room still makes me smile that it's massive... Well, not really -massive-... It's smaller than the room I had on wellington (difference being that the bathroom isn't on the other side of it), and after my time in a jail cell in the country, well, it still seems huge. I'll adapt and it will become the "norm"... Except that hanging out with Travis and Kate actually gives me a sense of largeness. They have a one room basement apartment. Literally, one room, not one bedroom, but one room. One room that could have fit into my old livingroom/kitchen area out near newmarket. I'm working on getting them moved into a two bedroom that will assuredly be a decent improvement over what they currently have, but will see how that works out.
So over all, I'm more than pleased with where I am in life, and where I am with everything else. It's such a simple thing, to say, "here I am, and I'm happy."
Brigham is still trying to insist he doesn't have my x-box, despite the fact that dani saw it there, saw him playing it, when she was over. Guy is a fucking moron to be playing these games when at any given time he has up to a half a pound of weed in his freezer. I mean, seriously, what does he think is going to happen, here? Hm? It's not going to end well for him in any event, unless I just give up. But really, I'm not sure I want to give him that satisfaction.
Otherwise, there's not a lot else going on in life, and things are rolling along as smoothly as they can. I'm content with that to be sure.
So cheers.
I have come to a conclusion. It is harder to write a journal entry when there is nothing bad going on, than when there is. After all, when things are going good, there's not a lot to share. "Things are utterly fabulous. Yay!"? Well, suppose that would work, but makes for some pretty boring reading.
That being said, I have been here for just over a month, in fact, as of last night, I paid my rent for July.
So I've been here for just over a month. This is when the calf eyes over the, "omg I'm out of my last situation, nothing could be better" effect should wear off. And I'm sure it has. I've settled into routine, and I'm still enjoying it here. The people are friendly, the location is ideal, the place comes inclusive with central air, a roommate that plays cards, and a pool. All of this hasn't changed.
I'm admittedly losing my fridge space, which makes me a little leary if I ever actually do some shopping (which I should do this month at some point, in fact, probably next weekend). But that is an easily corrected thing, and hardly an issue.
So a month in, and I still have no real complaints. Kathie isn't siphoning my money out of my wallet faster than I can make it, Tippi isn't a drunken louse who just doesn't know when to quit. Hell, even Amber (Kathie's daughter), comes over for whole days at a time (is here now in fact), and I don't even notice her presence unless I go downstairs and into the kitchen where she will say "hi" or thank me for one of the movies I burned for her and her daughter.
A month in and I'm golden. My room still makes me smile that it's massive... Well, not really -massive-... It's smaller than the room I had on wellington (difference being that the bathroom isn't on the other side of it), and after my time in a jail cell in the country, well, it still seems huge. I'll adapt and it will become the "norm"... Except that hanging out with Travis and Kate actually gives me a sense of largeness. They have a one room basement apartment. Literally, one room, not one bedroom, but one room. One room that could have fit into my old livingroom/kitchen area out near newmarket. I'm working on getting them moved into a two bedroom that will assuredly be a decent improvement over what they currently have, but will see how that works out.
So over all, I'm more than pleased with where I am in life, and where I am with everything else. It's such a simple thing, to say, "here I am, and I'm happy."
Brigham is still trying to insist he doesn't have my x-box, despite the fact that dani saw it there, saw him playing it, when she was over. Guy is a fucking moron to be playing these games when at any given time he has up to a half a pound of weed in his freezer. I mean, seriously, what does he think is going to happen, here? Hm? It's not going to end well for him in any event, unless I just give up. But really, I'm not sure I want to give him that satisfaction.
Otherwise, there's not a lot else going on in life, and things are rolling along as smoothly as they can. I'm content with that to be sure.
So cheers.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Fanfic
Link to the lil short story I wrote for Rught... Figured I'd share it.
http://velrikchronicles.blogspot.com/2011/06/fanfic-for-her.html
http://velrikchronicles.blogspot.com/2011/06/fanfic-for-her.html
The Hurt Makes it Beautiful
Late night swims are love.
They give a chance for my mind to lose itself in the simplicity of the water lapping against my body, not to mention the exercise that it promotes. Though getting into the water takes me almost five minutes... Fuck that shit is COLD!!!
Finished my first original short story in a long time. It was a style of fanfic, but it was written for Rught. It took a lot for me to decide if I wanted to finish it, or leave it dead in the water after everything that happened. However, an unfinished project with an end, is worse than an unfinished project from writer's block.
So she received that in her email tonight.
This week has been up and down. Hung out with a friend on Monday, and fell in love almost immediately with his sparring blades. Padded PVC style foam swords. Proper sparring pieces for practice. They leave a nice smack, but not enough to actually hurt on more than a "son of a...! Ok, next!" basis. Well, unless fluke chance opens up your thumb and the strike hits right on top of the knuckle... In that case, you're going to be out of commission after the adrenaline wears off. That did hurt a bit. Was swollen for two days.
Still, was a lot of fun. Hung out with another friend monday night. Tuesday was a quiet day, and wednesday was as well. Which is fine by me, I like quiet days. Thursday was a day full of being a guy... Played video games, beat on each other with swords, played more games. Was essentially a repeat of monday, but without the alcohol that monday involved (got drunk monday, as a side note... he got drunker). It also went longer, and was a lot of fun.
Making new friends is always a benefit in my life, cuz I've got too few of them that don't try to screw me over in some way or another, and Travis seems like too decent of a guy to do that. Not to mention there's nothing really to screw me over with, so he's easy to trust lol
I was supposed to get together with him today to wreck a pretty lady... However when I finally -did- wake up, felt like crap. So had to cancel. However, me being me, and being as great and amazing as I am. I was able to adjust scheduling to fit it in tomorrow before the party. So go me.
On the front of my property with Brig... He's made it vanish. A disappearing act of the xbox. So suppose that forces my hand on what happens there. I have to drop it, because he hid it out of the house somewhere. How long it will stay out of the house and hidden, I can't say. However it is a crock of shit that he feels the need to actually perform something so childish.
Then again, this is the same man that actually hid a coffee cup and called it "small justice".. I hate children in adult bodies. I find it pathetic that people feel the need to justify their existence through the pain of others, or think that immature behaviour is as acceptable act.
It doesn't help when people encourage it with a "haha that is funny." or, "good going!"... Positive reinforcement of childish antics is not the way to go about it. However, the Barrie fet community is full of such things.
Live and learn, and figure out where you should be, and be there.
There's not a lot to share, really. Rught and I are at a stalemate... Which is to say, I'm not dealing with her attitude anymore, and she's no longer waking me up with texts or anything else. There is no back and forth flirtation or confusion anymore, it's not there, not going to happen, ever, and after her crucifixion of me over something with no proof save for rumours, well... Not gonna deal with that if something actually -did- happen.
There's no prospects, or people in my life, or even on the peripheral of my life, that I look at in that context, simply because I find myself to be better than them. Which is terribly egotistical. However, someone should at least be close to my intellectual equal to be involved with me. I'm not super intelligent, I'm hardly a genius, however I know how to spell, I know what grammar is, and I know that the "butterfly effect" is more than a mediocre Ashton Kutcher movie.
Seems my generation is cursed with a lack of interest for the intellectual. A conversation should not utilize the word, "like" or "totally" every second to third word... Because, like, they were totally, like, omg, and then, like, he totally said, like, that he liked her, and like, it was totally, wow!
*twitch twitch*
"Valley kids" are what they were called when I was younger. It was no more attractive then, as it is now. And yet... They exist. They exist in abundance. It truly astounds me that such a thing is not only out there, but kinky.
Anyways... Not a lot to share, and yet I've still managed to ramble on for a decent amount.
I may, or may not, post the three page story I wrote for Rught. Suppose it will depend on her opinion of it, if she likes it that is... Who knows.
Cheers.
They give a chance for my mind to lose itself in the simplicity of the water lapping against my body, not to mention the exercise that it promotes. Though getting into the water takes me almost five minutes... Fuck that shit is COLD!!!
Finished my first original short story in a long time. It was a style of fanfic, but it was written for Rught. It took a lot for me to decide if I wanted to finish it, or leave it dead in the water after everything that happened. However, an unfinished project with an end, is worse than an unfinished project from writer's block.
So she received that in her email tonight.
This week has been up and down. Hung out with a friend on Monday, and fell in love almost immediately with his sparring blades. Padded PVC style foam swords. Proper sparring pieces for practice. They leave a nice smack, but not enough to actually hurt on more than a "son of a...! Ok, next!" basis. Well, unless fluke chance opens up your thumb and the strike hits right on top of the knuckle... In that case, you're going to be out of commission after the adrenaline wears off. That did hurt a bit. Was swollen for two days.
Still, was a lot of fun. Hung out with another friend monday night. Tuesday was a quiet day, and wednesday was as well. Which is fine by me, I like quiet days. Thursday was a day full of being a guy... Played video games, beat on each other with swords, played more games. Was essentially a repeat of monday, but without the alcohol that monday involved (got drunk monday, as a side note... he got drunker). It also went longer, and was a lot of fun.
Making new friends is always a benefit in my life, cuz I've got too few of them that don't try to screw me over in some way or another, and Travis seems like too decent of a guy to do that. Not to mention there's nothing really to screw me over with, so he's easy to trust lol
I was supposed to get together with him today to wreck a pretty lady... However when I finally -did- wake up, felt like crap. So had to cancel. However, me being me, and being as great and amazing as I am. I was able to adjust scheduling to fit it in tomorrow before the party. So go me.
On the front of my property with Brig... He's made it vanish. A disappearing act of the xbox. So suppose that forces my hand on what happens there. I have to drop it, because he hid it out of the house somewhere. How long it will stay out of the house and hidden, I can't say. However it is a crock of shit that he feels the need to actually perform something so childish.
Then again, this is the same man that actually hid a coffee cup and called it "small justice".. I hate children in adult bodies. I find it pathetic that people feel the need to justify their existence through the pain of others, or think that immature behaviour is as acceptable act.
It doesn't help when people encourage it with a "haha that is funny." or, "good going!"... Positive reinforcement of childish antics is not the way to go about it. However, the Barrie fet community is full of such things.
Live and learn, and figure out where you should be, and be there.
There's not a lot to share, really. Rught and I are at a stalemate... Which is to say, I'm not dealing with her attitude anymore, and she's no longer waking me up with texts or anything else. There is no back and forth flirtation or confusion anymore, it's not there, not going to happen, ever, and after her crucifixion of me over something with no proof save for rumours, well... Not gonna deal with that if something actually -did- happen.
There's no prospects, or people in my life, or even on the peripheral of my life, that I look at in that context, simply because I find myself to be better than them. Which is terribly egotistical. However, someone should at least be close to my intellectual equal to be involved with me. I'm not super intelligent, I'm hardly a genius, however I know how to spell, I know what grammar is, and I know that the "butterfly effect" is more than a mediocre Ashton Kutcher movie.
Seems my generation is cursed with a lack of interest for the intellectual. A conversation should not utilize the word, "like" or "totally" every second to third word... Because, like, they were totally, like, omg, and then, like, he totally said, like, that he liked her, and like, it was totally, wow!
*twitch twitch*
"Valley kids" are what they were called when I was younger. It was no more attractive then, as it is now. And yet... They exist. They exist in abundance. It truly astounds me that such a thing is not only out there, but kinky.
Anyways... Not a lot to share, and yet I've still managed to ramble on for a decent amount.
I may, or may not, post the three page story I wrote for Rught. Suppose it will depend on her opinion of it, if she likes it that is... Who knows.
Cheers.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The High Road Above
Winds are sharp and footing treacherous
on the high road above
temptation is abundant and ever present
on the high road above
the acts of others grow like brambles
on the high road above
good intentions fall to shambles
on the high road above
the road above will take it's toll
with mockery and horrid deceit
it will suck and drain at your soul
but you sow what you shall reap
what others say and others see
what others do and you believe
with higher morals and honor key
will be what you yourself will leave
for the winds are sharp and footing treacherous
on the high road above
on the high road above
temptation is abundant and ever present
on the high road above
the acts of others grow like brambles
on the high road above
good intentions fall to shambles
on the high road above
the road above will take it's toll
with mockery and horrid deceit
it will suck and drain at your soul
but you sow what you shall reap
what others say and others see
what others do and you believe
with higher morals and honor key
will be what you yourself will leave
for the winds are sharp and footing treacherous
on the high road above
Friday, June 10, 2011
You take the low road, I'll take the high road.
Which is getting harder and harder to maintain.
I don't want to sink to Brigham's level, but at the same time, he's now decided that trash talking me is not only acceptable, but to him is the "Truth". Furthermore, he has decided that theft is perfectly acceptable, and his sense of entitlement gives him the right to steal and keep my x-box all for himself, despite the kindness I showed in leaving it there for him to keep himself occupied.
He says I'm not getting it back. That there is no way in hell he'll let me take it back, or let someone pick it up for me.
My options are plentiful, of course.
I can ask someone to retrieve my property and hope that they can do so, or choose to. The problem with this, is it means I'm dragging someone into the situation, which of course is a bad thing to do to anyone. I want to take the high road in this, after all, so I don't want to drag someone into the shit storm that is this problem between Brig and myself. There are neutral parties still there, and I know who they are, however in the same breath, anyone on "Team Chris" won't go to the parties he hosts, so I have no friends on the "inside" so to speak, and everyone on "Team Brig" eats up everything he tells them like they're dying of thirst and his words are water.
I can try and get a ride there and back to get it myself, and involve the police if it gets hairy, however that in itself isn't going to go over well, given his temper and pentient for violent outbreaks. He'd likely assault me before the cops got there, or something similarly aggressive.
I can take him to small claims court. Which is expensive and no guarentee I'd get my property back by the end of it. So that's a silly choice.
I can let it go. I can drop the whole thing, consider the x-box a loss, and leave it where it is. This seems to be the popular option to work with, as it is the path of least resistance, and the most likely one to succeed (since it just requires me ignoring him from here on out).
And finally, I can sink to his level, call his mother, and tell her that he deals drugs from his house, using his cell phone that she pays for and is in her name to do it. This is a highly petty and childish option, and the exact kind of thing he would do in my place.
The above options are open for discussion, so to speak... No one knows which would be the best route to take, though so far, the general consensus is... Is the console worth the trouble?
On top of this, someone I thought was a friend, has a problem with me for something I didn't even know I did. I try and track it in my mind, and come up empty. It's hard to track an individual event when you have no idea when it supposedly happened.
Now because of -this- event, I'm not invited to a b-day BBQ this weekend for two friends. Which seems pretty damned confusing to me. I mean, I've got no problems with it. I have enough shit going on with stress and Brig and life, and bills and figuring out who does and doesn't like me due to Brigham's running mouth, to let one person not liking me, and my disclusion of one event, to make that big of a difference.
Sure, it sucks, but you know what? I rather know they don't like me, than not know and go on thinking they -do-... Makes for less awkward conversation attempts on my part.
In the end, today has been very stressful, a major pain in the ass, and none of it matters in the end, because in the end, shit happens, and I'm gonna have to suck it up and find my own solution to my own problems.
Just wish it were a lil less fucked up and easier to work with than, "let it go."
Cheers.
I don't want to sink to Brigham's level, but at the same time, he's now decided that trash talking me is not only acceptable, but to him is the "Truth". Furthermore, he has decided that theft is perfectly acceptable, and his sense of entitlement gives him the right to steal and keep my x-box all for himself, despite the kindness I showed in leaving it there for him to keep himself occupied.
He says I'm not getting it back. That there is no way in hell he'll let me take it back, or let someone pick it up for me.
My options are plentiful, of course.
I can ask someone to retrieve my property and hope that they can do so, or choose to. The problem with this, is it means I'm dragging someone into the situation, which of course is a bad thing to do to anyone. I want to take the high road in this, after all, so I don't want to drag someone into the shit storm that is this problem between Brig and myself. There are neutral parties still there, and I know who they are, however in the same breath, anyone on "Team Chris" won't go to the parties he hosts, so I have no friends on the "inside" so to speak, and everyone on "Team Brig" eats up everything he tells them like they're dying of thirst and his words are water.
I can try and get a ride there and back to get it myself, and involve the police if it gets hairy, however that in itself isn't going to go over well, given his temper and pentient for violent outbreaks. He'd likely assault me before the cops got there, or something similarly aggressive.
I can take him to small claims court. Which is expensive and no guarentee I'd get my property back by the end of it. So that's a silly choice.
I can let it go. I can drop the whole thing, consider the x-box a loss, and leave it where it is. This seems to be the popular option to work with, as it is the path of least resistance, and the most likely one to succeed (since it just requires me ignoring him from here on out).
And finally, I can sink to his level, call his mother, and tell her that he deals drugs from his house, using his cell phone that she pays for and is in her name to do it. This is a highly petty and childish option, and the exact kind of thing he would do in my place.
The above options are open for discussion, so to speak... No one knows which would be the best route to take, though so far, the general consensus is... Is the console worth the trouble?
On top of this, someone I thought was a friend, has a problem with me for something I didn't even know I did. I try and track it in my mind, and come up empty. It's hard to track an individual event when you have no idea when it supposedly happened.
Now because of -this- event, I'm not invited to a b-day BBQ this weekend for two friends. Which seems pretty damned confusing to me. I mean, I've got no problems with it. I have enough shit going on with stress and Brig and life, and bills and figuring out who does and doesn't like me due to Brigham's running mouth, to let one person not liking me, and my disclusion of one event, to make that big of a difference.
Sure, it sucks, but you know what? I rather know they don't like me, than not know and go on thinking they -do-... Makes for less awkward conversation attempts on my part.
In the end, today has been very stressful, a major pain in the ass, and none of it matters in the end, because in the end, shit happens, and I'm gonna have to suck it up and find my own solution to my own problems.
Just wish it were a lil less fucked up and easier to work with than, "let it go."
Cheers.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dovie'andi se tovya sagain
Time to roll the dice. Matrim Cauthon says that line in the Wheel of Time... Time to take a chance, see where the pips fall. This time they came up the Dark One's eyes.
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first. Another good saying my father used to tell me. Or how about Bryan Adams?
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride
All dreams and desires would ride along side
Worries and troubles would fall off behind
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
So Rught (the girl I've been speaking of for the past month), has decided that rumour is grounds for dismissal. Or perhaps reading my blog here and my venting about how I feel about her, or want to feel, or what has transpired, gave her the idea that she wanted me gone from her life entirely. Whatever the case, I got two back to back texts from her last night, the first asking me if I loved her, and when I asked where that came from, she hit back immediately with an accusation with no basis save word of mouth.
Either I lied to her, or I lied to others. Of course I fucking lie to others. I manipulate others too, and deceive... When was it, last january? No, 2009 sometime... When I finally admitted that the truth kick, as great as it was, was not the true me, and though I can be true and honest with those in my life I care for, it's hardly a requirement for anyone else in my life. In the words of Gregory House, "People Lie."
So yes, people lie, I lie, she lies, and has lied, and she accuses me of lying to her when I haven't. But people do lie. I lie to others, I lie to many people. In fact, the list of those I refuse to lie to, is very short. Amanda, Neal, alei, Cherry, and a few others as well. Rught was part of that list until last night when she decided my guilt without a trial.
Not much to do about it. Of course, irony of ironies.... A gift I bought for her a week ago (almost exactly), just arrived in the mail today. She doesn't want it, tells me to "donate it to a child who would like it." ... Not about to happen, as I believe in the intent behind a toy, there's an energy behind intention, an energy behind the giving. Some other people of similar placement may be able to accept such a gift, but a child? Nope.. Not gonna bother with that. She says I'm being dishonourable and petty.
I think of it in comparison to the collar I gave chandra. It symbolized her devotion to me, and mine to her. When we broke up, she couldn't return it... Well, she could have, but I'd be obligated to put it in the garbage (well, a fire pit would be more appropriate due to tradition), as opposed to some people who just hand them out like second class icons.
Gifts are unique... So I have this one, a little black crow named Badtz Maru... And I have the choice of putting it in the garbage... Rechanneling it for a lil bit and giving it to someone that matters, or keep him around as a memory and reminder of what -not- to do. Similar to the 2' pikachu in my closet.
She accused the gift of being a level of courting (and proving her imaginary point of me wanting to date her), because I don't buy presents for my other female friends. No, sometimes I don't. But I take Amanda out for dinner once a month or so, I used to do things specifically for Erika in WoW before she moved servers. I always do nice things for the women in my life. At the same time, I do nice things for the men in my life too (no gayness meant). I mean hell, I treat Neal to dinner now and then, he does same for me. I gave Shaun a gift of a Wii controller last year off season for gifts. Etc etc.
I'm a giving guy. This is something that is -standard- practice for me. If I have extra, I like to spread it around to those I give a damn about, because simply, it's just me. I gave dani a spirit stone before I moved out, something that was a gift to me from a shaman, which helped me through some hard times, and will hopefully help her.
Venting my emotions here is my way of dealing with them so I don't have them interupt, or get in the way of my real life. The world out there, and the words here, are touched by very fine strings. When I have no emotions to temper, and don't have something I need to keep leashed, I don't post as much. When I have problems, when I have issues, when I need to temper myself... I post more. Fuck, look at 2009 compared to 2007, 2008, 2010... I had so much shit going on in 2009 that the posts piled up because of the issues I had going on. Did any of them matter? Did any of them actually change how I acted, or performed certain things? Nope, not at all.
It merely helped me balance thought to action. Simple as that.
But ya know what? I'm going for a midnight swim I think. The day was hot, the evening is tepid, and the pool is 71 degrees farenheit.
I could use the distraction, swim another hundred meters and I may be dazed enough to not care that I just got my ass shredded for no reason other than she wanted an excuse to get me gone.
Cheers!
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first. Another good saying my father used to tell me. Or how about Bryan Adams?
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride
All dreams and desires would ride along side
Worries and troubles would fall off behind
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
So Rught (the girl I've been speaking of for the past month), has decided that rumour is grounds for dismissal. Or perhaps reading my blog here and my venting about how I feel about her, or want to feel, or what has transpired, gave her the idea that she wanted me gone from her life entirely. Whatever the case, I got two back to back texts from her last night, the first asking me if I loved her, and when I asked where that came from, she hit back immediately with an accusation with no basis save word of mouth.
Either I lied to her, or I lied to others. Of course I fucking lie to others. I manipulate others too, and deceive... When was it, last january? No, 2009 sometime... When I finally admitted that the truth kick, as great as it was, was not the true me, and though I can be true and honest with those in my life I care for, it's hardly a requirement for anyone else in my life. In the words of Gregory House, "People Lie."
So yes, people lie, I lie, she lies, and has lied, and she accuses me of lying to her when I haven't. But people do lie. I lie to others, I lie to many people. In fact, the list of those I refuse to lie to, is very short. Amanda, Neal, alei, Cherry, and a few others as well. Rught was part of that list until last night when she decided my guilt without a trial.
Not much to do about it. Of course, irony of ironies.... A gift I bought for her a week ago (almost exactly), just arrived in the mail today. She doesn't want it, tells me to "donate it to a child who would like it." ... Not about to happen, as I believe in the intent behind a toy, there's an energy behind intention, an energy behind the giving. Some other people of similar placement may be able to accept such a gift, but a child? Nope.. Not gonna bother with that. She says I'm being dishonourable and petty.
I think of it in comparison to the collar I gave chandra. It symbolized her devotion to me, and mine to her. When we broke up, she couldn't return it... Well, she could have, but I'd be obligated to put it in the garbage (well, a fire pit would be more appropriate due to tradition), as opposed to some people who just hand them out like second class icons.
Gifts are unique... So I have this one, a little black crow named Badtz Maru... And I have the choice of putting it in the garbage... Rechanneling it for a lil bit and giving it to someone that matters, or keep him around as a memory and reminder of what -not- to do. Similar to the 2' pikachu in my closet.
She accused the gift of being a level of courting (and proving her imaginary point of me wanting to date her), because I don't buy presents for my other female friends. No, sometimes I don't. But I take Amanda out for dinner once a month or so, I used to do things specifically for Erika in WoW before she moved servers. I always do nice things for the women in my life. At the same time, I do nice things for the men in my life too (no gayness meant). I mean hell, I treat Neal to dinner now and then, he does same for me. I gave Shaun a gift of a Wii controller last year off season for gifts. Etc etc.
I'm a giving guy. This is something that is -standard- practice for me. If I have extra, I like to spread it around to those I give a damn about, because simply, it's just me. I gave dani a spirit stone before I moved out, something that was a gift to me from a shaman, which helped me through some hard times, and will hopefully help her.
Venting my emotions here is my way of dealing with them so I don't have them interupt, or get in the way of my real life. The world out there, and the words here, are touched by very fine strings. When I have no emotions to temper, and don't have something I need to keep leashed, I don't post as much. When I have problems, when I have issues, when I need to temper myself... I post more. Fuck, look at 2009 compared to 2007, 2008, 2010... I had so much shit going on in 2009 that the posts piled up because of the issues I had going on. Did any of them matter? Did any of them actually change how I acted, or performed certain things? Nope, not at all.
It merely helped me balance thought to action. Simple as that.
But ya know what? I'm going for a midnight swim I think. The day was hot, the evening is tepid, and the pool is 71 degrees farenheit.
I could use the distraction, swim another hundred meters and I may be dazed enough to not care that I just got my ass shredded for no reason other than she wanted an excuse to get me gone.
Cheers!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Roll and stroll.
"The one I like about you is that you take it all in stride. When I think of you I think of the phrase 'Roll and Stroll'" - Cherry.
That was a compliment paid to me by a man I like to think is a friend. Someone who I'm told I have a lot in common with.
Nothing bothers me, because the truth is, you can't take it seriously. The moment you start to dwell on one thing, something else is going to back up into it, and then you have two things bothering you, then three, then four, and before you know it, you're having your third nervous breakdown at 17 years old, and you don't know where the fuck any of it even began.
So I don't let it bother me.
Things slip through though. The really small things that slip through the cracks, the things on the peripheral of my defenses like the problems of other people. Or the massive things, the things that are so gargantuan that I have no choice but to acknowledge their existence, or be destroyed under the aftermath.
I have friends, friends have problems, doubts, depression, issues with friends, family, work. Problems with life and love, with themselves, their own self worth, self doubt. I'm supposed to be supportive of them. Me.
I mean, fuck. Look at my blog, look at these posts. I'm broken to shit most of the time, my mind is a god damned bio hazard, my thought process is apathetic as often as not. How do you support depression in someone else, when you can't even support your own? How do you offer support for something that can't be helped, when it's a pure random chance of circumstance?
People used to expect everything of me. I left those people behind, one by one, over the years. None of them are in my life, except on the peripheral, like bobbi. I had no one relying on me for the longest time, no one that cared what I thought, how I felt, if I could or could not help them, no one expecting me to be a rock, no one expecting me to be there to hear their problems, pat them on the shoulder and say, "there there, it will be alright."
It was lonely, sure, it was sad, of course. But it was also safe. I broke under the pressure before, I shattered like the water on the rocks of those rapids. I can be strong for one person at a time, and right now, that person has to be me. My other option is to be strong for someone else, and need someone else to be strong for me. It's a damned co-dependent situation that just doesn't work for me right now.
I have friends, supportive friends, right now; and I'd be lying if I said I'd be better off without them. Because I wouldn't be. I would be miserable, I would be more broken than I am now.
I may love a girl that wants nothing more than friendship, because she doesn't believe she's ready for more. I can't let myself love her, it has to be on the peripheral. It has to be on the outside of everything. I care for her though, I want her happy, safe, secure. I want her looked after. My payment for this, is I scare her. Great.
I'm in a new home, a new situation, a new dynamic that I actually don't mind. I'm the middle ground of things, here. One roommate spends most of her time downstairs, the homeowner spends her time downstairs, the other roommate is more of a hermit than I ever could be (minds me of me outside of Newmarket), and then there's me. I spend my time in my room, I've been writing more, I go downstairs for food, chat with my roommates, go out to the store, head over to alei's and chill, intend to visit another friend that lives right around the corner, so on so forth.
God... I admitted I may love her. I should edit that out, but you know what? It's me, being me, being honest. Not going to change. She doesn't read this anyways, so what's it matter? I could love her, wholly and completely, if she let me. She'll never let me though, not anytime soon at least.
One thing to another. Yes, this is a pity party, the guest roster is myself and anyone stuck reading this.
I want to be there for my friends. However the strength I can offer is so limited right now, I wonder if it is worth what I can offer. Especially when I get into moods like this, where all I think is, "Really? That's your problem? You're fucking kidding, right?" and my lack of a filter between mind and mouth is pretty much null and void, so that is what comes out.
Ah well... Offending the masses is a talent. People hate me, let them. Before I moved, dani told me that a lot of people found me arrogant and abrasive. I am arrogant, and I am abrasive. What else is new, seriously? It's pretty standard for me. I'm a lot of other things too. I can be funny, enlightening, and I am loyal, honest, etc...
So yeah... Let it go, I suppose. People hate me, fine, nothing to be done.
Cheers.
That was a compliment paid to me by a man I like to think is a friend. Someone who I'm told I have a lot in common with.
Nothing bothers me, because the truth is, you can't take it seriously. The moment you start to dwell on one thing, something else is going to back up into it, and then you have two things bothering you, then three, then four, and before you know it, you're having your third nervous breakdown at 17 years old, and you don't know where the fuck any of it even began.
So I don't let it bother me.
Things slip through though. The really small things that slip through the cracks, the things on the peripheral of my defenses like the problems of other people. Or the massive things, the things that are so gargantuan that I have no choice but to acknowledge their existence, or be destroyed under the aftermath.
I have friends, friends have problems, doubts, depression, issues with friends, family, work. Problems with life and love, with themselves, their own self worth, self doubt. I'm supposed to be supportive of them. Me.
I mean, fuck. Look at my blog, look at these posts. I'm broken to shit most of the time, my mind is a god damned bio hazard, my thought process is apathetic as often as not. How do you support depression in someone else, when you can't even support your own? How do you offer support for something that can't be helped, when it's a pure random chance of circumstance?
People used to expect everything of me. I left those people behind, one by one, over the years. None of them are in my life, except on the peripheral, like bobbi. I had no one relying on me for the longest time, no one that cared what I thought, how I felt, if I could or could not help them, no one expecting me to be a rock, no one expecting me to be there to hear their problems, pat them on the shoulder and say, "there there, it will be alright."
It was lonely, sure, it was sad, of course. But it was also safe. I broke under the pressure before, I shattered like the water on the rocks of those rapids. I can be strong for one person at a time, and right now, that person has to be me. My other option is to be strong for someone else, and need someone else to be strong for me. It's a damned co-dependent situation that just doesn't work for me right now.
I have friends, supportive friends, right now; and I'd be lying if I said I'd be better off without them. Because I wouldn't be. I would be miserable, I would be more broken than I am now.
I may love a girl that wants nothing more than friendship, because she doesn't believe she's ready for more. I can't let myself love her, it has to be on the peripheral. It has to be on the outside of everything. I care for her though, I want her happy, safe, secure. I want her looked after. My payment for this, is I scare her. Great.
I'm in a new home, a new situation, a new dynamic that I actually don't mind. I'm the middle ground of things, here. One roommate spends most of her time downstairs, the homeowner spends her time downstairs, the other roommate is more of a hermit than I ever could be (minds me of me outside of Newmarket), and then there's me. I spend my time in my room, I've been writing more, I go downstairs for food, chat with my roommates, go out to the store, head over to alei's and chill, intend to visit another friend that lives right around the corner, so on so forth.
God... I admitted I may love her. I should edit that out, but you know what? It's me, being me, being honest. Not going to change. She doesn't read this anyways, so what's it matter? I could love her, wholly and completely, if she let me. She'll never let me though, not anytime soon at least.
One thing to another. Yes, this is a pity party, the guest roster is myself and anyone stuck reading this.
I want to be there for my friends. However the strength I can offer is so limited right now, I wonder if it is worth what I can offer. Especially when I get into moods like this, where all I think is, "Really? That's your problem? You're fucking kidding, right?" and my lack of a filter between mind and mouth is pretty much null and void, so that is what comes out.
Ah well... Offending the masses is a talent. People hate me, let them. Before I moved, dani told me that a lot of people found me arrogant and abrasive. I am arrogant, and I am abrasive. What else is new, seriously? It's pretty standard for me. I'm a lot of other things too. I can be funny, enlightening, and I am loyal, honest, etc...
So yeah... Let it go, I suppose. People hate me, fine, nothing to be done.
Cheers.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
So far so good
The move went smoothly. A couple of people didn't show, but I really don't own enough for two less bodies to have made much of a difference. Got the truck packed up (which was bigger than the bedroom in and of itself lol), and no complications in unloading.
The room here is 197% the size of my old room... Seriously. Freakin' huge. I almost suffered from Agoraphobia the first night... Fear of the wide open space... My room has more than "bed" and "door"... I have two SIDES to this room. Is awesome. The pool is bigger than I expected it to be. 36' by 16'. So that is really nice, can't wait to go swimming. Which with the temperature expected to be near to 31 tomorrow, will probably be tomorrow.
Got my TV set up, nothing to set it up with, mind you. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take my X-Box back from Brigham either way, because the truth of the matter, is that I need something to entertain company. I will actually -have- company here. Holy shit!!
Saturday after the move, four of us went on to East Side Mario's for dinner (I hadn't eaten at all saturday until near to 11pm - which made me feel bad, cuz we got to the unloading side, and I couldn't do -anything-... I sorted out the room)... Was a nice meal out with friends, chatting, getting along, shootin' the shit.
Sunday I did some unpacking, hung out with alei, gave her daughter a sword cuz she's a huge BLEACH fan, and I have two Zanpaktou from that series. Simple view: One sword in a collection, is one sword in a collection. One sword to a 16 year old girl, is a treasure. I remember my first sword, I still treasure it.
Monday saw me in bed the night before at 10pm, but not asleep until near to 4am. And awake at 7am. Did breakfast with alei, who apparently hates subway breakfast sandwiches... LOL Was supposed to hang out with Neal, but was so bloody exhausted, that I ended up sleeping after my internet was connected. Which was a huge ordeal. Took the guy almost four hours. Which was because the Bell wiring into this household was a bloody mess. Alas... What can be done?
I have internet now. I need to call to get it upgraded to the appropriate speed tomorrow, though.
So far, I'm good. So far I have no problems. But that is so far.
I can admit that things can go to hell still. Though I don't know how. This place is self-sufficient.... I buy my own groceries, I have my two shelves in the fridge, I likely have my own cupboard space (though haven't inquired yet), Kathie is willing to wait until July to get all of the last month's rent, so I can catch up on bills and have food to feed myself... They're both nice, laid back, and openly honest. So what could go wrong...
Well... They may not like my hermit-like lifestyle. I may not get around to the small things wanted done around the house and it may end up getting brought up, and that may cause a problem, but that should be easy to move past... Uhm... I seriously don't know... I learned some things living with Brigham... I do my own dishes as I dirty them, now. I keep to myself, so on so forth.
They may not like me having the odd company over for a swim and hanging out... But her daughter comes over with her friends, so there shouldn't be a problem, right? RIGHT!? Oh please be right...
Garbage is done by the ghost roommate. I've not met him, and he's apparently very hermit like as well. I can live with that, though. It's fine, one hermit to another, that is.
There's a plaza less than five minutes from the house. KFC, Subway, a pizza place, two convenient stores, a pharmacy, and a Tim Horton's. Like, seriously... How can shit get better? There's my meal plan for days I don't want to cook. And currently, my meal plan until the first when I will have a few bucks to do some proper shopping. Well, a lil anyways.
June will be tight, purely because of paying first and last, and having to catch up on bills from the Newmarket place. Hydro can wait until August. Phone and Internet will have to be caught up by end of July, which should be more than doable.
Aside from that... Things are good. Very good. I'm suspicious of it. I mean, seven months of hell with Brig in the country... Anything is good. Maybe I have star-eyes and am just seeing the shininess in all of this. But, it really does seem good.
On the relationship front, or lack thereof... It's going as I knew it would. Or as I predicted, anyways. She's still resistant. Which she will be for some time. However that hardly has anything to do with it. We finally have the clear communication on what -may- be. Finally. Finally no mixed signal, FINALLY got it done.
I'm not holding my breath. I'm not going to shun another possibility purely because there's a "maybe" in the air. But it works so much better than "yes. I mean no. I mean yes. I mean no. I mean yes." to actually have a "Maybe." means it's no longer a revolving door confusing the hell out of me. It's an elevator. LOL
So much simpler, and I like simple. I like simple so much.
Did I mention I got my tv working with the universal remote? I forget if I did and am too lazy to scroll back to check. It's working, I have very basic cable (maybe 50 or so channels)... And I considered connecting it to the computer. Except it turns out my video card doesn't support S-Video. So YAY... Fucking *mutter mutter mutter*
So I have no x-box for another week (maximum), so no media center, no peripheral entertainment outside of the computer and my writing and the odd game there. And of course going out. However, it means I can't entertain guests right now.
I can't deny the strong strong urge to keep a certain special edition red wii and horde it as something to do. A PS3 is on the shopping list between now and christmas. Maybe a lil after... I don't know yet.
What I DO know, is I like this. I like where I am. I like what is coming from this. I'll be damned if I don't.
May be damned anyways, but that is then, this is now, and now... Yay.
So there is the update, the summary.
Cheers.
The room here is 197% the size of my old room... Seriously. Freakin' huge. I almost suffered from Agoraphobia the first night... Fear of the wide open space... My room has more than "bed" and "door"... I have two SIDES to this room. Is awesome. The pool is bigger than I expected it to be. 36' by 16'. So that is really nice, can't wait to go swimming. Which with the temperature expected to be near to 31 tomorrow, will probably be tomorrow.
Got my TV set up, nothing to set it up with, mind you. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take my X-Box back from Brigham either way, because the truth of the matter, is that I need something to entertain company. I will actually -have- company here. Holy shit!!
Saturday after the move, four of us went on to East Side Mario's for dinner (I hadn't eaten at all saturday until near to 11pm - which made me feel bad, cuz we got to the unloading side, and I couldn't do -anything-... I sorted out the room)... Was a nice meal out with friends, chatting, getting along, shootin' the shit.
Sunday I did some unpacking, hung out with alei, gave her daughter a sword cuz she's a huge BLEACH fan, and I have two Zanpaktou from that series. Simple view: One sword in a collection, is one sword in a collection. One sword to a 16 year old girl, is a treasure. I remember my first sword, I still treasure it.
Monday saw me in bed the night before at 10pm, but not asleep until near to 4am. And awake at 7am. Did breakfast with alei, who apparently hates subway breakfast sandwiches... LOL Was supposed to hang out with Neal, but was so bloody exhausted, that I ended up sleeping after my internet was connected. Which was a huge ordeal. Took the guy almost four hours. Which was because the Bell wiring into this household was a bloody mess. Alas... What can be done?
I have internet now. I need to call to get it upgraded to the appropriate speed tomorrow, though.
So far, I'm good. So far I have no problems. But that is so far.
I can admit that things can go to hell still. Though I don't know how. This place is self-sufficient.... I buy my own groceries, I have my two shelves in the fridge, I likely have my own cupboard space (though haven't inquired yet), Kathie is willing to wait until July to get all of the last month's rent, so I can catch up on bills and have food to feed myself... They're both nice, laid back, and openly honest. So what could go wrong...
Well... They may not like my hermit-like lifestyle. I may not get around to the small things wanted done around the house and it may end up getting brought up, and that may cause a problem, but that should be easy to move past... Uhm... I seriously don't know... I learned some things living with Brigham... I do my own dishes as I dirty them, now. I keep to myself, so on so forth.
They may not like me having the odd company over for a swim and hanging out... But her daughter comes over with her friends, so there shouldn't be a problem, right? RIGHT!? Oh please be right...
Garbage is done by the ghost roommate. I've not met him, and he's apparently very hermit like as well. I can live with that, though. It's fine, one hermit to another, that is.
There's a plaza less than five minutes from the house. KFC, Subway, a pizza place, two convenient stores, a pharmacy, and a Tim Horton's. Like, seriously... How can shit get better? There's my meal plan for days I don't want to cook. And currently, my meal plan until the first when I will have a few bucks to do some proper shopping. Well, a lil anyways.
June will be tight, purely because of paying first and last, and having to catch up on bills from the Newmarket place. Hydro can wait until August. Phone and Internet will have to be caught up by end of July, which should be more than doable.
Aside from that... Things are good. Very good. I'm suspicious of it. I mean, seven months of hell with Brig in the country... Anything is good. Maybe I have star-eyes and am just seeing the shininess in all of this. But, it really does seem good.
On the relationship front, or lack thereof... It's going as I knew it would. Or as I predicted, anyways. She's still resistant. Which she will be for some time. However that hardly has anything to do with it. We finally have the clear communication on what -may- be. Finally. Finally no mixed signal, FINALLY got it done.
I'm not holding my breath. I'm not going to shun another possibility purely because there's a "maybe" in the air. But it works so much better than "yes. I mean no. I mean yes. I mean no. I mean yes." to actually have a "Maybe." means it's no longer a revolving door confusing the hell out of me. It's an elevator. LOL
So much simpler, and I like simple. I like simple so much.
Did I mention I got my tv working with the universal remote? I forget if I did and am too lazy to scroll back to check. It's working, I have very basic cable (maybe 50 or so channels)... And I considered connecting it to the computer. Except it turns out my video card doesn't support S-Video. So YAY... Fucking *mutter mutter mutter*
So I have no x-box for another week (maximum), so no media center, no peripheral entertainment outside of the computer and my writing and the odd game there. And of course going out. However, it means I can't entertain guests right now.
I can't deny the strong strong urge to keep a certain special edition red wii and horde it as something to do. A PS3 is on the shopping list between now and christmas. Maybe a lil after... I don't know yet.
What I DO know, is I like this. I like where I am. I like what is coming from this. I'll be damned if I don't.
May be damned anyways, but that is then, this is now, and now... Yay.
So there is the update, the summary.
Cheers.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Countdown
In 20 hours I will be relaxing in barrie with my friends. I will be back in civilization and savouring every inhalation of car fumes and the lack of cow manure.
The past ten days have been... A trial... In many things. Brigham started the 10 days with vicious anger and temper and threats. Which subsided into attempted proofs and fear tactics, and finally settled into pouting silence before evolving into almost amiable courtesy.
Which I think it came from, "He's doing what!? Fucking asshole can't do that! Can he...? Shit... Well fuck him. Wait... he has... and that is his... and... Shit.... Hey, buddy, pal, friend..."
So I'm going to be nice and give him two weeks with my x-box before taking it back from him if he can't get me a media center to replace it (which he should be able to, cuz hell, there's one on sale for $100 at best buy)... And the couch is staying, because really, I don't want the damned thing anyways. I was going to put it in storage and pull it out as a desperation attempt when I moved into my own place or with a roommate or the like. He's still losing a dungeon full of toys cuz they all belong to me.
He is under the very firm assumption that I owe him for all the parties. Four in total, three of which I've acted the DM for... The first I was too drunk to bother being the DM. I was the DM for the second, and the third, and the fourth one I was told I'd have shifts... When I was done my demo, and then my Scene with Gavilan, I left the basement and let someone else deal with it. I don't think anyone did. But wasn't my problem.
However, Brigham is under the delusion that these parties have made people "look at me differently"... That if not for these parties, people wouldn't respect me, they wouldn't let me near them, etc etc.
Well, for starters... Before these parties, most of those attending didn't even KNOW me, because they are all Newmarket people, or Oshawa, or somewhere that -isn't- barrie. And those that did know me, don't have any different opinion of me now, than they did before I moved. One or two may have changed opinion on me due to how I play, or something similar, but seriously...? I had play parties 2 or 3 times a week at my old place after coffee. I can't help but noticed that those that came to -those- parties, no longer come to these parties.
The man has one hell of an ego, I'll give him that. After tomorrow though, it won't be my problem. Not even a little bit.
As for her... the girl.... the one that has been stuck in my head for damned near a month now. Well, that is as confusing as ever. She was supposed to be there tomorrow to help with the move, however plans somehow changed and she said she would be gone for the whole weekend, might be back sunday, or maybe tuesday. She was unsure.
I wrote her a long long letter on fetlife, because that is how I am. I figured hell, I'm gonna be four days away from her, now is the time to think through everything and get it all out there. Sadly, for the most part, all I accomplished was summarizing the past month with her. If that matters or not, I don't know... But I figured I'd find out whenever she got back, right?
I sent a text to Fallynn, the former property manager and the neighbour up front. I asked her to have a look for my needle nose pliers. She said she would on sunday, I told her I'd not be here sunday as I was moving back to barrie tomorrow, but that was fine, just get them to dani ASAP and I'd grab them at coffee on tuesday, no problem.
She called me rude, and said I needed to work on my communications skills. Me, of all people, have to work on my communications skills? Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I wasn't being rude, that it was not rude to pleasantly ask a drug addicted alcoholic stuck up cunt to return my fucking property.
And we got into an argument, massive argument... I finally told her to shut the fuck up, put down the fucking phone because she was so addled in the head that she didn't know what the fuck she was even saying. And then I get a response with, "speaking plainly, I would never let you beat me the way you want to. And I can't tolerate you to play with others. That clear it up?" I ripped into it... I blew up with, "What the fuck does that have to do with ANYTHING??? One: I would never play with you, because you aren't safe to play with, because you're ALWAYS innebriated. And two: You aren't my girl, you have NO say in who I play with. And those I DO play with, have no complaints. You have no leg to stand on."
A few minutes later, as I think perhaps, finally, the argument is over... My phone dings a text... From the girl. From -her-... saying, "Always drunk..? That's random. I was just trying to explain why you wouldn't want me." ............. Fuck...... My....... Life.......... So I just sent a massive asshole ripping message to the wrong person.
Took me ten minutes of very rapid fire texts to explain myself there... And I still felt like a complete and royal ass.
I also had to explain to her that this wasn't news to me. None of it was. I knew she wanted monogamy if something happened, and I know that she's not a masochist, and I knew that she didn't want her partner even scening with someone else. I knew all of it. I accepted it, and that it was no skin off my back if that is how it had to be.
She was rather flabberghasted. I was amused by her shock and confusion.
That is where it was left, really. Not much else to say to it, as she's likely sleeping, and she shouldn't even have been texting me until... well, at the earliest, Sunday. Talk about bloody baffling.
I have a bed piled with clothes and miscallaneous shit. I need to clean this up. The shelves are off the walls, the curtains are down and in the dryer. My suitcase is ready to be packed with clothes... Time to finish the last leg of packing. I also need to pull my espresso machine from under the cupboard, cuz it needs to come with daddy to the new place. Daddy needs his espresso machine for the summer.
Yes, I just spoke of myself in the third person and titled myself daddy... What of it? Yeah, fuck you too.
Alright... after midnight. In a lil over 16 hours I'll be starting the move... Time to finish the small stuff.
Cheers.
The past ten days have been... A trial... In many things. Brigham started the 10 days with vicious anger and temper and threats. Which subsided into attempted proofs and fear tactics, and finally settled into pouting silence before evolving into almost amiable courtesy.
Which I think it came from, "He's doing what!? Fucking asshole can't do that! Can he...? Shit... Well fuck him. Wait... he has... and that is his... and... Shit.... Hey, buddy, pal, friend..."
So I'm going to be nice and give him two weeks with my x-box before taking it back from him if he can't get me a media center to replace it (which he should be able to, cuz hell, there's one on sale for $100 at best buy)... And the couch is staying, because really, I don't want the damned thing anyways. I was going to put it in storage and pull it out as a desperation attempt when I moved into my own place or with a roommate or the like. He's still losing a dungeon full of toys cuz they all belong to me.
He is under the very firm assumption that I owe him for all the parties. Four in total, three of which I've acted the DM for... The first I was too drunk to bother being the DM. I was the DM for the second, and the third, and the fourth one I was told I'd have shifts... When I was done my demo, and then my Scene with Gavilan, I left the basement and let someone else deal with it. I don't think anyone did. But wasn't my problem.
However, Brigham is under the delusion that these parties have made people "look at me differently"... That if not for these parties, people wouldn't respect me, they wouldn't let me near them, etc etc.
Well, for starters... Before these parties, most of those attending didn't even KNOW me, because they are all Newmarket people, or Oshawa, or somewhere that -isn't- barrie. And those that did know me, don't have any different opinion of me now, than they did before I moved. One or two may have changed opinion on me due to how I play, or something similar, but seriously...? I had play parties 2 or 3 times a week at my old place after coffee. I can't help but noticed that those that came to -those- parties, no longer come to these parties.
The man has one hell of an ego, I'll give him that. After tomorrow though, it won't be my problem. Not even a little bit.
As for her... the girl.... the one that has been stuck in my head for damned near a month now. Well, that is as confusing as ever. She was supposed to be there tomorrow to help with the move, however plans somehow changed and she said she would be gone for the whole weekend, might be back sunday, or maybe tuesday. She was unsure.
I wrote her a long long letter on fetlife, because that is how I am. I figured hell, I'm gonna be four days away from her, now is the time to think through everything and get it all out there. Sadly, for the most part, all I accomplished was summarizing the past month with her. If that matters or not, I don't know... But I figured I'd find out whenever she got back, right?
I sent a text to Fallynn, the former property manager and the neighbour up front. I asked her to have a look for my needle nose pliers. She said she would on sunday, I told her I'd not be here sunday as I was moving back to barrie tomorrow, but that was fine, just get them to dani ASAP and I'd grab them at coffee on tuesday, no problem.
She called me rude, and said I needed to work on my communications skills. Me, of all people, have to work on my communications skills? Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I wasn't being rude, that it was not rude to pleasantly ask a drug addicted alcoholic stuck up cunt to return my fucking property.
And we got into an argument, massive argument... I finally told her to shut the fuck up, put down the fucking phone because she was so addled in the head that she didn't know what the fuck she was even saying. And then I get a response with, "speaking plainly, I would never let you beat me the way you want to. And I can't tolerate you to play with others. That clear it up?" I ripped into it... I blew up with, "What the fuck does that have to do with ANYTHING??? One: I would never play with you, because you aren't safe to play with, because you're ALWAYS innebriated. And two: You aren't my girl, you have NO say in who I play with. And those I DO play with, have no complaints. You have no leg to stand on."
A few minutes later, as I think perhaps, finally, the argument is over... My phone dings a text... From the girl. From -her-... saying, "Always drunk..? That's random. I was just trying to explain why you wouldn't want me." ............. Fuck...... My....... Life.......... So I just sent a massive asshole ripping message to the wrong person.
Took me ten minutes of very rapid fire texts to explain myself there... And I still felt like a complete and royal ass.
I also had to explain to her that this wasn't news to me. None of it was. I knew she wanted monogamy if something happened, and I know that she's not a masochist, and I knew that she didn't want her partner even scening with someone else. I knew all of it. I accepted it, and that it was no skin off my back if that is how it had to be.
She was rather flabberghasted. I was amused by her shock and confusion.
That is where it was left, really. Not much else to say to it, as she's likely sleeping, and she shouldn't even have been texting me until... well, at the earliest, Sunday. Talk about bloody baffling.
I have a bed piled with clothes and miscallaneous shit. I need to clean this up. The shelves are off the walls, the curtains are down and in the dryer. My suitcase is ready to be packed with clothes... Time to finish the last leg of packing. I also need to pull my espresso machine from under the cupboard, cuz it needs to come with daddy to the new place. Daddy needs his espresso machine for the summer.
Yes, I just spoke of myself in the third person and titled myself daddy... What of it? Yeah, fuck you too.
Alright... after midnight. In a lil over 16 hours I'll be starting the move... Time to finish the small stuff.
Cheers.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Any port in the storm
And any ear that will listen.
Brigham is -not- pleased I am leaving, and I am learning more and more how much he likes the high road. And by high road, I mean low road, and by low road, I mean bitching to anyone that even thinks to imply they know me.
I've seen the lines drawn in the sand by him, and I've seen people choosing their side, and I've seen those smart enough not to take any sides, but merely to offer a friendly hand during the process.
His argument, is that I'm fucking him and dani over by giving ten days notice and leaving. I gave him notice in February, and dani has been aware of my exact move date for the past month. He says that bills will be increasing by over $200 for each of them.
$125 for rent, each, and by his own count, I'm to blame for all the bandwidth downloaded (So that is $65 extra gone from the household expenses), and I'm to blame for half of the hydro or more because of my fan (there's another $150 gone), and I'm the person that eats all the food -more than half of it according to him-. (And he spends over $1000 a month on food by his own counts). So there's another $500+ off of food monthly that he won't have to spend.
So He loses $50 for hydro, loses $250 for rent, and loses $40 for internet. Add this up and it's $390 split between them. And he'll save $60 on the extra bandwidth because I won't be downloading anymore (won't be here). He'll save almost $150 on hydro since I won't have my stuff going; and he'll save near to $500 in groceries a month because I won't be here "eating it all". Which amounts to over $700 in savings, just be removing one person.
Admittedly, that one person has been solo-paying the bills since we moved in here, has been a private ATM for gas and groceries on a consistent basis, and has been willing to live in a glorified closet. Note: Not sleep in it, but actually LIVE in it. I say live, because the community space has no room for my computer (his computer, sure, but not mine).... The community space is also his "bedroom", which means once he goes to sleep, it's essentially off limits.
However I'm the one doing the screwing over here.... I've been the one paying the bills since november, paying a third of the gas and the groceries, eating one meal a day, sometimes two, and living in a room that is actually the near exactly same size as a prison cell (6' x 8') Perhaps a few inches larger, but not by too fuckin' much.
So I've spent the past seven months in prison as a privileged prisoner (you know, computer and internet and books to read). And of course yard time in the form of some coffee trips and various events, and blah blah. No, not as severe as prison, not even meaning to imply that, merely cell size.
The Gaoler has less power too, of course. But that's besides the point.
So yes, I watch him draw the line, and I watch those who are picking sides, and those not getting involved. However it is very telling who your friends are, and who are not your friends, when you look at something and can see those who actually ask what is up, and those who just listen to one side and start spreading shit around.
Not that any shit has been spread, mind you. I don't think it has anyways. I'll know in a week when I'm back in barrie, and start to attend things regularly again. I'll be able to watch who whispers behind their hands, who avoids me, or even who says, "It's best if you don't come here anymore."
I don't necessarily expect the latter of those, but best to be prepared, right? Always be prepared, never surprised.
So that is all for now. I just wish people had the brains to actually get both sides of a story, instead of hearing one and deciding to pick a stance based on it. Three sides to every story, one side, the other, and the truth.
His side:
I'm fucking him over, giving 10 days notice
increasing his expenses.
I never carried my weight
ate too much (including his precious pizza)
Am selfish.
My side:
I gave him four months notice starting back in february.
By his accounts of what I -cost- this house, he'll actually be saving almost $300 a month.
I did as much around here as anyone else.
I eat a meal a day, sometimes two. And yes, I took slices from two or three pizzas without asking. Gasp!
I've been his personal ATM for seven months, and he's not given one penny towards bills.
The Truth.
You decide.
Brigham is -not- pleased I am leaving, and I am learning more and more how much he likes the high road. And by high road, I mean low road, and by low road, I mean bitching to anyone that even thinks to imply they know me.
I've seen the lines drawn in the sand by him, and I've seen people choosing their side, and I've seen those smart enough not to take any sides, but merely to offer a friendly hand during the process.
His argument, is that I'm fucking him and dani over by giving ten days notice and leaving. I gave him notice in February, and dani has been aware of my exact move date for the past month. He says that bills will be increasing by over $200 for each of them.
$125 for rent, each, and by his own count, I'm to blame for all the bandwidth downloaded (So that is $65 extra gone from the household expenses), and I'm to blame for half of the hydro or more because of my fan (there's another $150 gone), and I'm the person that eats all the food -more than half of it according to him-. (And he spends over $1000 a month on food by his own counts). So there's another $500+ off of food monthly that he won't have to spend.
So He loses $50 for hydro, loses $250 for rent, and loses $40 for internet. Add this up and it's $390 split between them. And he'll save $60 on the extra bandwidth because I won't be downloading anymore (won't be here). He'll save almost $150 on hydro since I won't have my stuff going; and he'll save near to $500 in groceries a month because I won't be here "eating it all". Which amounts to over $700 in savings, just be removing one person.
Admittedly, that one person has been solo-paying the bills since we moved in here, has been a private ATM for gas and groceries on a consistent basis, and has been willing to live in a glorified closet. Note: Not sleep in it, but actually LIVE in it. I say live, because the community space has no room for my computer (his computer, sure, but not mine).... The community space is also his "bedroom", which means once he goes to sleep, it's essentially off limits.
However I'm the one doing the screwing over here.... I've been the one paying the bills since november, paying a third of the gas and the groceries, eating one meal a day, sometimes two, and living in a room that is actually the near exactly same size as a prison cell (6' x 8') Perhaps a few inches larger, but not by too fuckin' much.
So I've spent the past seven months in prison as a privileged prisoner (you know, computer and internet and books to read). And of course yard time in the form of some coffee trips and various events, and blah blah. No, not as severe as prison, not even meaning to imply that, merely cell size.
The Gaoler has less power too, of course. But that's besides the point.
So yes, I watch him draw the line, and I watch those who are picking sides, and those not getting involved. However it is very telling who your friends are, and who are not your friends, when you look at something and can see those who actually ask what is up, and those who just listen to one side and start spreading shit around.
Not that any shit has been spread, mind you. I don't think it has anyways. I'll know in a week when I'm back in barrie, and start to attend things regularly again. I'll be able to watch who whispers behind their hands, who avoids me, or even who says, "It's best if you don't come here anymore."
I don't necessarily expect the latter of those, but best to be prepared, right? Always be prepared, never surprised.
So that is all for now. I just wish people had the brains to actually get both sides of a story, instead of hearing one and deciding to pick a stance based on it. Three sides to every story, one side, the other, and the truth.
His side:
I'm fucking him over, giving 10 days notice
increasing his expenses.
I never carried my weight
ate too much (including his precious pizza)
Am selfish.
My side:
I gave him four months notice starting back in february.
By his accounts of what I -cost- this house, he'll actually be saving almost $300 a month.
I did as much around here as anyone else.
I eat a meal a day, sometimes two. And yes, I took slices from two or three pizzas without asking. Gasp!
I've been his personal ATM for seven months, and he's not given one penny towards bills.
The Truth.
You decide.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
SNAFUBAR
Situation Normal: Fucked Up Beyond All Reason....
I'm moving. I don't like the fact I'm moving so quickly after just moving in here, but let's face it, the past seven months have been sheer hell with Brigham as a roommate.
So after seven months of him using me as his private ATM, dicking me around, screwing me over, and things JUST starting to improve over the past week or so... Near the end of last month, everything blew up between him and Dani. She retreated to a friend's house for an evening, she was ready to leave him, walk, get the fuck out, and she was ready to do it with me.
I was looking for two bedrooms, had someone in barrie ready to view apartments, call them, work out all the details. I was also looking for one bedrooms, because I was truly done with it all.
As it happens, fate smiled on me, in the form of a hot lil girl with some contacts. Or more accurately, her absurdly tall counter part who had the contact, mentioned it to her, who mentioned it to me. A room for rent, for an affordable price, back in Barrie, with a household of Kinskters.
But only one room. I had to hold off on it, because I had to find one for dani too. Until she suddenly decided she wanted to stay, and I should act in my own best interest. Ok.
So I did. I made the call, I got Erika to go and check the place out, take a look at it, look it over, check and confirm the livability for myself, and tell me the verdict. The verdict was good. Not an amazing place, but a thousand times better than what I am currently suffering through. Smokers there, well, there's smokers here too... Dogs there, well, there's a dog here too... But there, the dogs are small and don't bark much.
Hydro is included in the $450 rent, whereas here it's near to $200 a month (and in my name besides, though not for long). There's laundry on site (same as here), the room is half again the size I have here.... 8' x 11' as opposed to 6.5' x 8.5'. It's IN THE CITY... Oh my god, what a MASSIVE Pro that is. It has central air, so the summer will even be tolerable (and even if it weren't, I have my own A/C anyways). And I buy my own groceries monthly, which is another amazing benefit to not fronting $400+ a month and taking someone at their word that it is the right amount.
I'll be closer to friends, and did I mention there's a pool in the back yard? An actual full sized, belowground pool. Oh how sweet it is.
I told him today though, asked if he remembered me telling him I was moving out back in february and that it would be June or July. He said he did, and dani was witness to it. He also apparently claimed that the second conversation we had, where he said I was in or out, to make the call there and then, retracted my notice. When my response to this was, "I'm working on it."... He was threatening to kick me out, which he supposedly believes he has the right to do, and then says my 4 months notice wasn't good enough? Bullshit.
Moreso, even as it stands right now, on a month to month Lease, 30 days is all I need to give, and he's getting 45 days notice as I paid May's rent, and June's rent is my last month, thus it was paid when I moved in.
He showed me some monstrosity of a creation that he says I signed. Some two page self-written "lease" that had so many spelling errors, typos, and grammar mistakes, and even so far as to have my own name spelled wrong... I wouldn't have signed something like that, ever. Less chance of me signing it if he spelt my name wrong. Why the -fuck- would I sign something that my name wasn't even on properly? I'm not that much of a fool.
So he has his own little issue with it, threats involving taking me to the Landlord tenant board and small claims, saying the truck can come next saturday for my stuff, but it'll be leaving empty, because he'll call the cops on me and they won't let me take my things.... Yeah, not so much.
I'm moving on the 28th... Which I'm thankful for, and the new place, even if short term, is better than what I'm currently enduring, paying him $40 a pop for trips into barrie, paying excessive fees and expenses every time I turn around that I have no cause to pay into.
So I have ten days. Just ten days mind you... To put up with him and his shit. At the end of those ten days, I'm gone.
Which of course is something else to mention...
The fetish community is amazing in barrie, a lot of people, friends, associates, and even some I barely know... All offered to help me move. All offered to be there for me, to assist with this task. Hell, even the truck was rented by someone in the community doing me a favor. It's utter perfection.
I'm of a mixed attitude right now. On one hand, I'm very leery of being around Brigham in his current mood and pissed off state, but at the same time, I'm happy to know the people in the community that are willing to help. I even have an offer for storage for whatever I can't fit into my room. It's utterly amazing that feeling you get to realize people actually give a damn.
Even if you intend to barricade your bedroom door and sleep with a sharpened sword next to you for fear ya might not wake. *cough*
I'm moving. I don't like the fact I'm moving so quickly after just moving in here, but let's face it, the past seven months have been sheer hell with Brigham as a roommate.
So after seven months of him using me as his private ATM, dicking me around, screwing me over, and things JUST starting to improve over the past week or so... Near the end of last month, everything blew up between him and Dani. She retreated to a friend's house for an evening, she was ready to leave him, walk, get the fuck out, and she was ready to do it with me.
I was looking for two bedrooms, had someone in barrie ready to view apartments, call them, work out all the details. I was also looking for one bedrooms, because I was truly done with it all.
As it happens, fate smiled on me, in the form of a hot lil girl with some contacts. Or more accurately, her absurdly tall counter part who had the contact, mentioned it to her, who mentioned it to me. A room for rent, for an affordable price, back in Barrie, with a household of Kinskters.
But only one room. I had to hold off on it, because I had to find one for dani too. Until she suddenly decided she wanted to stay, and I should act in my own best interest. Ok.
So I did. I made the call, I got Erika to go and check the place out, take a look at it, look it over, check and confirm the livability for myself, and tell me the verdict. The verdict was good. Not an amazing place, but a thousand times better than what I am currently suffering through. Smokers there, well, there's smokers here too... Dogs there, well, there's a dog here too... But there, the dogs are small and don't bark much.
Hydro is included in the $450 rent, whereas here it's near to $200 a month (and in my name besides, though not for long). There's laundry on site (same as here), the room is half again the size I have here.... 8' x 11' as opposed to 6.5' x 8.5'. It's IN THE CITY... Oh my god, what a MASSIVE Pro that is. It has central air, so the summer will even be tolerable (and even if it weren't, I have my own A/C anyways). And I buy my own groceries monthly, which is another amazing benefit to not fronting $400+ a month and taking someone at their word that it is the right amount.
I'll be closer to friends, and did I mention there's a pool in the back yard? An actual full sized, belowground pool. Oh how sweet it is.
I told him today though, asked if he remembered me telling him I was moving out back in february and that it would be June or July. He said he did, and dani was witness to it. He also apparently claimed that the second conversation we had, where he said I was in or out, to make the call there and then, retracted my notice. When my response to this was, "I'm working on it."... He was threatening to kick me out, which he supposedly believes he has the right to do, and then says my 4 months notice wasn't good enough? Bullshit.
Moreso, even as it stands right now, on a month to month Lease, 30 days is all I need to give, and he's getting 45 days notice as I paid May's rent, and June's rent is my last month, thus it was paid when I moved in.
He showed me some monstrosity of a creation that he says I signed. Some two page self-written "lease" that had so many spelling errors, typos, and grammar mistakes, and even so far as to have my own name spelled wrong... I wouldn't have signed something like that, ever. Less chance of me signing it if he spelt my name wrong. Why the -fuck- would I sign something that my name wasn't even on properly? I'm not that much of a fool.
So he has his own little issue with it, threats involving taking me to the Landlord tenant board and small claims, saying the truck can come next saturday for my stuff, but it'll be leaving empty, because he'll call the cops on me and they won't let me take my things.... Yeah, not so much.
I'm moving on the 28th... Which I'm thankful for, and the new place, even if short term, is better than what I'm currently enduring, paying him $40 a pop for trips into barrie, paying excessive fees and expenses every time I turn around that I have no cause to pay into.
So I have ten days. Just ten days mind you... To put up with him and his shit. At the end of those ten days, I'm gone.
Which of course is something else to mention...
The fetish community is amazing in barrie, a lot of people, friends, associates, and even some I barely know... All offered to help me move. All offered to be there for me, to assist with this task. Hell, even the truck was rented by someone in the community doing me a favor. It's utter perfection.
I'm of a mixed attitude right now. On one hand, I'm very leery of being around Brigham in his current mood and pissed off state, but at the same time, I'm happy to know the people in the community that are willing to help. I even have an offer for storage for whatever I can't fit into my room. It's utterly amazing that feeling you get to realize people actually give a damn.
Even if you intend to barricade your bedroom door and sleep with a sharpened sword next to you for fear ya might not wake. *cough*
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Lesson Learned
I would like to begin with the disclaimer that I may or may not be drunk, the numbness through my body implies that I am, as well as the many backspaces required. However the two drinks I've had leans in another direction... the fact said drinks were half and half whiskey/coke may lend to the drunk state.
Disclaimer aside.... Alcohol when already dealing with shit... Not the best of ideas, alcohol is a social enabler. It breaks the barriers that one keeps up to protect them, it makes you do stupid shit when you shouldn't even speak, act or move.
Also, this is now the morning after, so my disclaimer doesn't mean shit anymore. Yay!
The party was a success, plenty of people, a lot less play this time around than other parties... Which is fine, I did a demonstration with impact toys, proper handling and use... And then I had an intense Scene with a bear of a man.
The girl I like was all over the board. Outside, inside, downstairs, upstairs.
It should be noted, the reason this isn't a drunken ramble, is because after I retreated to my room, she came in, while I was finishing the second paragraph, and asked why I "fagged out" and why I hadn't tried harder to spend time with her. When I made the comment that I had tried, but it's hard to compete with her getting very cuddly with other men, she got pissed off and told me that if I wanted to blame other guys, fine, but not to use it as an excuse.
Then she left... Will explain more when I get to it.
So I had my demonstration, she was no where in sight, despite a comment that she wanted to see it, wanted to "see me in action" as she put it. The demo went off without a hitch, people say I did well, I have no idea as a lot of it was a blur to me in that aspect... All eyes on me and the like.
I went upstairs to confirm things for the take down demonstration someone else was doing, saw her. I made a comment that she had missed my demo, she said "yup, I got detained." I asked if she had been detained by the fire pit, she said, "Nope! hehe" and bounced off. End of discussion there. I've already been snapped at for being invasive and asking her a follow up question.
So she vanished again, she was there while I Scened with Gavilan (bear of a man... literally), and I tried to speak with her while three very lovely ladies gave Gav his aftercare and brought him back... Which offered me two thoughts... I wish I had someone else to do my aftercare for me all the time, and two.... Lucky fucking bastard.
I spoke with her for a little bit there, discussing the rudiments of aftercare, etc... and then she poofed upstairs when I turned around to make sure Gav was cool, and he thanked me, and so on so forth... I stayed downstairs for a lil bit longer, expecting Gavilan's wife to come down for a session as well. However when she did come down, she was accompanied by another Domme. So I let them have at it, that was the end of my responsibilities, I went upstairs, poured myself a drink and prepared to enjoy what remained of the night.
So she was talking to one of the guests, and I slipped over to join in on the conversation, also because the only unoccupied seats were out in the hallway. Of course, this turned out to be an exercise in futility, since the conversation was about the guy and his ex, and how he worked hard to look after her even after she screwed him over and he wanted to take care of her, and how charming he is, and sweet, and nice, and.... Ok, yeah, that is bitching... And he really is a great guy. I like him, he's cool, and really, anyone that cares enough to make sure even an ex that cheated on you is safe and secure... Deserves respect.
Which he got from me. He also got flirts and cuddles from her. Which swiftly shifted to her helping someone with their corsette, and then vanishing outside... I went to refill my drink... Spoke with alei for a bit, who was a huge and awesome surprise for coming to the party...
And when she came back in from her smoke outside (the girl, not alei)... She... Ok, wait.... background.
Earlier in the night, before anything happened (demonstration, play, drinking, etc)... She was chatting up a few people, and I was leaning back against the wall, and I leaned forward, and drew my nails down along her arm... Not hard, not rough, no where inappropriate... Just down her arm. And she gave me a glare... A "if looks could kill..." glare. So message taken, don't touch.
Alright, so when she comes back in from outside, she joins me in watching the take down artist with dani. As he has dani down for the count, she starts massaging his shoulders. relaxing him... touching him... I said good bye to a couple of people while she did this, pointedly avoiding it... and then she was in her Protector's arms. Which is cool, I know there's nothing there to be worried about... And then Itami (takedown artist) comes up behind her when she's getting a drink, and grabs her... and does he get a glare? Or a reprimand? Nope. She giggled and hopped into his lap. It was around this time I decided I was done for the night.
I polished off my second drink, finished up a conversation with the big guy that takes care of his ex, and when people retreated to the basement to watch Song and sar at their scene... I came in here and started to write this, which would have come out a lot more vicious and likely with more spelling errors, had I actually finished it last night.
Then she came in, the argument happened there... I stopped writing because my mind was confused. I mean, how the hell is it -my- fault, when she prefers the company of other men? How is it -my- fault, for not pursuing her, when the last time I pursued her, I was told my flirting was over the top, I fail at friends, and I was too touchy. How is any of that my fault?? I didn't see her making an effort to come and see me, I didn't see her finding me at all, she waited until I found my way to her... I'm not going to look like a lost puppy, because it's bad enough people know I have it bad for her, why compound it?
So I shut my monitor off, stripped down, and crawled into bed. Safest place to be when shit is blowing up in your face and the alcohol has you in a bad state of mind. I was in bed for less than ten minutes when she comes back into my room... No knocking, no "mind if I come in?"... just comes back into my room... Which she did the first time too...
And she tells me she's invading my space, she comes to my bed, lays down next to me, curls up against me, puts her head on my chest, and falls asleep........ Yeah, I wasn't confused enough, right?
She slept in my arms for perhaps 10-15 minutes, then her protector decided they were leaving. Took me almost five minutes to rouse her enough to leave. If it took much more, I'd have just let it drop, slept with her pressed against me all night, and gotten her home somehow today.
But she did wake up and leave. And I slept... and she texted, surprised she had fallen asleep in my arms. Again reinforced the "friends only" clause and I made my case when she said it was "Sad I didn't try"...
It was a lose/lose situation if you consider it... I act the friend, don't crowd her, don't push too hard, and take her physical queues to back off (glaring at me, getting close to other guys), and I'm suddenly not trying, and lose points.... But had I been more aggressive, pushed harder, pressed for her time, hunted her down and made the extra effort that said I wanted to court her... I'd get slammed for being too clingy, for hunting a relationship she's not willing to give, and so on so forth down the line.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and by the end of the night, I was damned.
So here I stand, sit... Next day... relaying this while talking to her via text. And I'm going to ask her, if she knows she confuses me, if she's aware of what she is doing that confuses me... Why does she do it? Hell, any kind of insight is better than what I'm rolling with now.
Disclaimer aside.... Alcohol when already dealing with shit... Not the best of ideas, alcohol is a social enabler. It breaks the barriers that one keeps up to protect them, it makes you do stupid shit when you shouldn't even speak, act or move.
Also, this is now the morning after, so my disclaimer doesn't mean shit anymore. Yay!
The party was a success, plenty of people, a lot less play this time around than other parties... Which is fine, I did a demonstration with impact toys, proper handling and use... And then I had an intense Scene with a bear of a man.
The girl I like was all over the board. Outside, inside, downstairs, upstairs.
It should be noted, the reason this isn't a drunken ramble, is because after I retreated to my room, she came in, while I was finishing the second paragraph, and asked why I "fagged out" and why I hadn't tried harder to spend time with her. When I made the comment that I had tried, but it's hard to compete with her getting very cuddly with other men, she got pissed off and told me that if I wanted to blame other guys, fine, but not to use it as an excuse.
Then she left... Will explain more when I get to it.
So I had my demonstration, she was no where in sight, despite a comment that she wanted to see it, wanted to "see me in action" as she put it. The demo went off without a hitch, people say I did well, I have no idea as a lot of it was a blur to me in that aspect... All eyes on me and the like.
I went upstairs to confirm things for the take down demonstration someone else was doing, saw her. I made a comment that she had missed my demo, she said "yup, I got detained." I asked if she had been detained by the fire pit, she said, "Nope! hehe" and bounced off. End of discussion there. I've already been snapped at for being invasive and asking her a follow up question.
So she vanished again, she was there while I Scened with Gavilan (bear of a man... literally), and I tried to speak with her while three very lovely ladies gave Gav his aftercare and brought him back... Which offered me two thoughts... I wish I had someone else to do my aftercare for me all the time, and two.... Lucky fucking bastard.
I spoke with her for a little bit there, discussing the rudiments of aftercare, etc... and then she poofed upstairs when I turned around to make sure Gav was cool, and he thanked me, and so on so forth... I stayed downstairs for a lil bit longer, expecting Gavilan's wife to come down for a session as well. However when she did come down, she was accompanied by another Domme. So I let them have at it, that was the end of my responsibilities, I went upstairs, poured myself a drink and prepared to enjoy what remained of the night.
So she was talking to one of the guests, and I slipped over to join in on the conversation, also because the only unoccupied seats were out in the hallway. Of course, this turned out to be an exercise in futility, since the conversation was about the guy and his ex, and how he worked hard to look after her even after she screwed him over and he wanted to take care of her, and how charming he is, and sweet, and nice, and.... Ok, yeah, that is bitching... And he really is a great guy. I like him, he's cool, and really, anyone that cares enough to make sure even an ex that cheated on you is safe and secure... Deserves respect.
Which he got from me. He also got flirts and cuddles from her. Which swiftly shifted to her helping someone with their corsette, and then vanishing outside... I went to refill my drink... Spoke with alei for a bit, who was a huge and awesome surprise for coming to the party...
And when she came back in from her smoke outside (the girl, not alei)... She... Ok, wait.... background.
Earlier in the night, before anything happened (demonstration, play, drinking, etc)... She was chatting up a few people, and I was leaning back against the wall, and I leaned forward, and drew my nails down along her arm... Not hard, not rough, no where inappropriate... Just down her arm. And she gave me a glare... A "if looks could kill..." glare. So message taken, don't touch.
Alright, so when she comes back in from outside, she joins me in watching the take down artist with dani. As he has dani down for the count, she starts massaging his shoulders. relaxing him... touching him... I said good bye to a couple of people while she did this, pointedly avoiding it... and then she was in her Protector's arms. Which is cool, I know there's nothing there to be worried about... And then Itami (takedown artist) comes up behind her when she's getting a drink, and grabs her... and does he get a glare? Or a reprimand? Nope. She giggled and hopped into his lap. It was around this time I decided I was done for the night.
I polished off my second drink, finished up a conversation with the big guy that takes care of his ex, and when people retreated to the basement to watch Song and sar at their scene... I came in here and started to write this, which would have come out a lot more vicious and likely with more spelling errors, had I actually finished it last night.
Then she came in, the argument happened there... I stopped writing because my mind was confused. I mean, how the hell is it -my- fault, when she prefers the company of other men? How is it -my- fault, for not pursuing her, when the last time I pursued her, I was told my flirting was over the top, I fail at friends, and I was too touchy. How is any of that my fault?? I didn't see her making an effort to come and see me, I didn't see her finding me at all, she waited until I found my way to her... I'm not going to look like a lost puppy, because it's bad enough people know I have it bad for her, why compound it?
So I shut my monitor off, stripped down, and crawled into bed. Safest place to be when shit is blowing up in your face and the alcohol has you in a bad state of mind. I was in bed for less than ten minutes when she comes back into my room... No knocking, no "mind if I come in?"... just comes back into my room... Which she did the first time too...
And she tells me she's invading my space, she comes to my bed, lays down next to me, curls up against me, puts her head on my chest, and falls asleep........ Yeah, I wasn't confused enough, right?
She slept in my arms for perhaps 10-15 minutes, then her protector decided they were leaving. Took me almost five minutes to rouse her enough to leave. If it took much more, I'd have just let it drop, slept with her pressed against me all night, and gotten her home somehow today.
But she did wake up and leave. And I slept... and she texted, surprised she had fallen asleep in my arms. Again reinforced the "friends only" clause and I made my case when she said it was "Sad I didn't try"...
It was a lose/lose situation if you consider it... I act the friend, don't crowd her, don't push too hard, and take her physical queues to back off (glaring at me, getting close to other guys), and I'm suddenly not trying, and lose points.... But had I been more aggressive, pushed harder, pressed for her time, hunted her down and made the extra effort that said I wanted to court her... I'd get slammed for being too clingy, for hunting a relationship she's not willing to give, and so on so forth down the line.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and by the end of the night, I was damned.
So here I stand, sit... Next day... relaying this while talking to her via text. And I'm going to ask her, if she knows she confuses me, if she's aware of what she is doing that confuses me... Why does she do it? Hell, any kind of insight is better than what I'm rolling with now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Hot n Cold
You know, I've seen people that are indecisive, and I've seen people that change their mind several times over something.
But I never actually thought a song like "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry could seriously apply to a person so accurately.
I have never encountered signals so mixed they seem more like a different language poorly translated, than actual words. It's beyond reason, confusing, and baffling, and makes me seriously want to join the priesthood just to avoid dealing with it.
I can do friends. I can do lovers. I can do fuck buddies. I can do damn near anything when it comes to the interaction between myself and another person. I can even do flirtatious behaviour with a friend without ever compromising the friendship.
I mean, I have a friend, she knows I care about her deeply, and she doesn't reciprocate. Despite this, we still flirt, I hug her, kiss her brow, lightly scratch behind her ear (she likes that), and hang out. It's not at all serious, it's not even remotely at risk of me being hurt or everything crumbling down. It's a friendship with feelings, and those feelings are fine where they are, because we both accept our placement in it. How hard is that?
I have had friends where the flirting was more or less, high or low, where sexual acts sometimes came into the equation without actually complicating the friendship. Erika and I had a thing for a bit, we were still friends, we hung out, watched movies, chatted, played video games, and sometimes randomly had sex. This is hardly unhealthy, and it didn't hurt the friendship, as we are -still- friends and she's now in a committed relationship.
This girl, however...? One moment she misses me, and the night got boring when I left, and she wants to see me, and she enjoys her time with me, and she likes the way she fits into my arms, and she wishes she could feel the trace of my touch on her body.... And then the next I fail at friendship for flirting with her, I'm too touchy, and we will -never- date, ever, period, and she doesn't want to keep approaching the subject.
And then it goes back in one direction, then the other, then the other. I think there's been three shifts so far, maybe four. From sweet and flirty to cold, to flirty, to cold, to flirty, to cold again... Yeah, that about sums it up, and all within a week.
I can only do so much, can only take the slap that follows one of these mood swings so many times. I like her, and I think I could, given time, love her, if she ever let me. However that doesn't seem to be a likely scenario right now. I'm fine with that. I just wish it was bloody well made clear to me where I stand.
Right now, I'm going to work it like she's already in a relationship, or plays for the other team. Because honestly, treating her in kind to how she treats me, just seems to blow up in my face and cause huge issues in the short term until she bounces back to the other end of the spectrum. I see how the connection is there, and I see what she's trying to do, but I'm not the typical man, and I'm not going to let such behaviour through me that far off my game.
And no, I don't mean courting as a game, I mean simply my behaviour, my attitude, etc.
I should just join the priesthood. Better sexless and spreading fiction than getting spun around like a top just for being interested in a girl.
Party is this friday. I can't say if I'll have another entry by then or not. Seems I'm writing a lot more lately, and you kow what? She's probably to blame for that. Hell, I know she's to blame for that, because every post here has been relating to her in some fashion or another since the "Charmed" Post. Maybe even the one before that, though I don't think so.
Frustrating, that is all it is. Horribly, seriously, endlessly, frustrating.
I'll get through though, and I won't let it push my buttons as much as it has, because seriously... This is getting ridiculous.
Cheers.
But I never actually thought a song like "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry could seriously apply to a person so accurately.
I have never encountered signals so mixed they seem more like a different language poorly translated, than actual words. It's beyond reason, confusing, and baffling, and makes me seriously want to join the priesthood just to avoid dealing with it.
I can do friends. I can do lovers. I can do fuck buddies. I can do damn near anything when it comes to the interaction between myself and another person. I can even do flirtatious behaviour with a friend without ever compromising the friendship.
I mean, I have a friend, she knows I care about her deeply, and she doesn't reciprocate. Despite this, we still flirt, I hug her, kiss her brow, lightly scratch behind her ear (she likes that), and hang out. It's not at all serious, it's not even remotely at risk of me being hurt or everything crumbling down. It's a friendship with feelings, and those feelings are fine where they are, because we both accept our placement in it. How hard is that?
I have had friends where the flirting was more or less, high or low, where sexual acts sometimes came into the equation without actually complicating the friendship. Erika and I had a thing for a bit, we were still friends, we hung out, watched movies, chatted, played video games, and sometimes randomly had sex. This is hardly unhealthy, and it didn't hurt the friendship, as we are -still- friends and she's now in a committed relationship.
This girl, however...? One moment she misses me, and the night got boring when I left, and she wants to see me, and she enjoys her time with me, and she likes the way she fits into my arms, and she wishes she could feel the trace of my touch on her body.... And then the next I fail at friendship for flirting with her, I'm too touchy, and we will -never- date, ever, period, and she doesn't want to keep approaching the subject.
And then it goes back in one direction, then the other, then the other. I think there's been three shifts so far, maybe four. From sweet and flirty to cold, to flirty, to cold, to flirty, to cold again... Yeah, that about sums it up, and all within a week.
I can only do so much, can only take the slap that follows one of these mood swings so many times. I like her, and I think I could, given time, love her, if she ever let me. However that doesn't seem to be a likely scenario right now. I'm fine with that. I just wish it was bloody well made clear to me where I stand.
Right now, I'm going to work it like she's already in a relationship, or plays for the other team. Because honestly, treating her in kind to how she treats me, just seems to blow up in my face and cause huge issues in the short term until she bounces back to the other end of the spectrum. I see how the connection is there, and I see what she's trying to do, but I'm not the typical man, and I'm not going to let such behaviour through me that far off my game.
And no, I don't mean courting as a game, I mean simply my behaviour, my attitude, etc.
I should just join the priesthood. Better sexless and spreading fiction than getting spun around like a top just for being interested in a girl.
Party is this friday. I can't say if I'll have another entry by then or not. Seems I'm writing a lot more lately, and you kow what? She's probably to blame for that. Hell, I know she's to blame for that, because every post here has been relating to her in some fashion or another since the "Charmed" Post. Maybe even the one before that, though I don't think so.
Frustrating, that is all it is. Horribly, seriously, endlessly, frustrating.
I'll get through though, and I won't let it push my buttons as much as it has, because seriously... This is getting ridiculous.
Cheers.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Misplaced rant
This belongs on fetlife, but it's not worth the drama it would cause there, so it's going here so I can still vent.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Isn't that how the saying goes? Or that golden rule of do unto others...?
I understand the need to want to know everyone else's business, as humans we are naturally curious, and in a community as tight knit as barrie (which it is tight knit, whether you're part of the zoo crew or not, your in there somewhere), it's bound to happen and get around who you are, and what you do, how you do it, etc.
You get a reputation fast in a city as close as barrie. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and over all irrelevant as long as you have a close standing group of friends that know the truth and can either vouch for you, or ignore the rumours and words being spread.
Rumours though. There's a vicious thing. I get the need and want to start drama, and the fun it can bring to poke buttons and see what the results are. But why feel the need to try and interfere with something that is no one else's business but those involved?
I don't quite get the advantage to trying to sabotage something that hasn't even happened yet, with lies and speculation. To be told out of left field that I'm trying to trip someone into bed is ludicrous, offensive, and has no foundation in the truth.
I'm a natural flirt, when I'm comfortable with someone I tease, and flirt and joke around. This doesn't mean anything aside from that. I can point at a dozen people in the community (more), who have the same nature to flirt and joke around with their friends. This hardly means they sleep around. Hell, there's not three people in the community that could step forward and say either 1) I've slept with them, or 2) I've legimitately have tried to sleep with them (in a serious attempt).
I know this, because there's two people in the community I HAVE slept with. One isn't even in the country any longer, and I'm the one that introduced the other TO the community, and she's presently inactive.
So I'd really like to know where I garnered enough of a reputation through play parties and partners, to have earned the disregard to be told that when I happen to like a girl, and enjoy an evening hanging out with her, that my immediate goal is sex. In this lifestyle of ALL places, one would think we could escape that bullshit stigma of all that is on a man's mind is a piece of ass.
Yes this is a rant. No this doesn't matter in the end, because what it comes down to is, no harm, no foul. Aside from being insulting on the part of whoever said something, people have better sense than to believe everything they hear.
At least some people do, anyways. I know a few that don't too.
I'm not looking for justification, or a reason someone contrived to think they were protecting someone else, or wanting to get revenge for some imagined slight... Hell, I'm not even looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything else. This is a rant for me, by me, to get it out there, and to simply say... Grow up.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Isn't that how the saying goes? Or that golden rule of do unto others...?
I understand the need to want to know everyone else's business, as humans we are naturally curious, and in a community as tight knit as barrie (which it is tight knit, whether you're part of the zoo crew or not, your in there somewhere), it's bound to happen and get around who you are, and what you do, how you do it, etc.
You get a reputation fast in a city as close as barrie. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and over all irrelevant as long as you have a close standing group of friends that know the truth and can either vouch for you, or ignore the rumours and words being spread.
Rumours though. There's a vicious thing. I get the need and want to start drama, and the fun it can bring to poke buttons and see what the results are. But why feel the need to try and interfere with something that is no one else's business but those involved?
I don't quite get the advantage to trying to sabotage something that hasn't even happened yet, with lies and speculation. To be told out of left field that I'm trying to trip someone into bed is ludicrous, offensive, and has no foundation in the truth.
I'm a natural flirt, when I'm comfortable with someone I tease, and flirt and joke around. This doesn't mean anything aside from that. I can point at a dozen people in the community (more), who have the same nature to flirt and joke around with their friends. This hardly means they sleep around. Hell, there's not three people in the community that could step forward and say either 1) I've slept with them, or 2) I've legimitately have tried to sleep with them (in a serious attempt).
I know this, because there's two people in the community I HAVE slept with. One isn't even in the country any longer, and I'm the one that introduced the other TO the community, and she's presently inactive.
So I'd really like to know where I garnered enough of a reputation through play parties and partners, to have earned the disregard to be told that when I happen to like a girl, and enjoy an evening hanging out with her, that my immediate goal is sex. In this lifestyle of ALL places, one would think we could escape that bullshit stigma of all that is on a man's mind is a piece of ass.
Yes this is a rant. No this doesn't matter in the end, because what it comes down to is, no harm, no foul. Aside from being insulting on the part of whoever said something, people have better sense than to believe everything they hear.
At least some people do, anyways. I know a few that don't too.
I'm not looking for justification, or a reason someone contrived to think they were protecting someone else, or wanting to get revenge for some imagined slight... Hell, I'm not even looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything else. This is a rant for me, by me, to get it out there, and to simply say... Grow up.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Fate and Destiny
Oh, how we met on that day in that place, at that time, in that way... It must be fate. You are my destiny...
Such a romantic idealogy. Except in practice, fate and destiny end up being simple and coincidental, pure chance.
In practice, if you believe in fate, believe in destiny... Why are you doing anything? Why go to work? Why go to bars to search for dates, why go on fetlife to find a match, go to play parties, hook up with friends, why look for that one person, why hunt through the masses for your soulmate (which is another arguement entirely).
If fate and destiny truly exist, it means that nothing you do matters. Everything is preplanned, every little act and action, every person you meet, every breath you take, ever meal you eat, ever day you work, every plan cancelled, every plan made. All fate, all leading you to your "destiny".
So why do anything at all? If it is pre-planned. If some omnipotent being(s) already has your number, of Lachesis, Clotho and Atropos already have their weave set and your thread within the pattern matched... Why do anything? By the logic of fate, if you sat on your ass on the couch and played video games all day, or drank yourself into a stupor, if you did nothing but lay in bed beating off or reading, sleeping, if you never bathed, never went into sunlight, if you never acted to better yourself... You'd still get your just desserts.
Someone would knock on your door one day, selling girl guide cookies, or a magazine, or doing some survey, and boom, love at first sight. Turns out he/she is a hippy that likes men/women that don't bathe and play video games with a fifth of whiskey for dinner... And voila, fate plays into motion.
Except that doesn't happen, those events don't unfold except in -really- cheesy porn movies.
Destiny... That you have a pre-planned end before death.
This is about as much of a crock as fate. If you have a pre-planned ending, again, why work towards anything? If your letter "Z" is the same from A-Y, why do what we do from B-Y? Why go to school, why go to college, why try and impress our parents, friends, mates, lovers? Why work for that promotion to provide a better life for your children/Significant other? I mean hell, if Fate is in play, it doesn't matter what you do for them, they've already been cast their lot in life and nothing you do will change that.
Voltaire has a song called "Dead" And there's a verse in it...
God is all knowing
And God is all seeing
Just who do you think that you are
To change his mind?
He already knows what you want
And decided that you didn't need it
So don't bother asking for cures or an answer
God is the one who gave you the cancer.
Which is just another side to fate. No chance, no hope. It's already there, already done, already decided what will happen and what will become of you. If you believe in Fate and Destiny... Why act to better yourself? Your lot in life is already predetermined no matter what you do.
This is of course an entire catch 22 argument in and of itself, yes I know this, because if it's all predetermined, than what you do is predetermined anyways and you have no choice in the act itself, and so on so forth down the line.
In my opinion, and this is purely my opinion.. Those who believe in fate are fatalistic... Ha! Now there's an amusing shtick. Never even saw that till I wrote it. Fatalistic is deadly, lethal, inevitable. And derived from the word Fate to begin with. Thank you Latin for Fatalis.
So those who believe in destiny and fate, are already dooming themselves to mediocrity. They are already saying that they can't get any better than they already have, and yet there are so many out there who still work and press.
Next time someone stares dreamily into your eyes, and asks, "Do you believe in fate?" Ask yourself... Why are you at the bar if you believe in Fate? And then ask yourself if they are hot enough to lie to get into their pants and say "yes".
This is a rant, merely a trigger of thoughts and ideas that spring from a single thing someone said.
On a side note. No, I do not believe in Fate, it is why I work to better myself, my life, and my path on a daily basis. And the only Destiny I believe in, is that I will, one day in the future, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day... End up dead, burned, and mourned by a few people I paid before my death to act like they cared.
That is all.
Cheers.
Such a romantic idealogy. Except in practice, fate and destiny end up being simple and coincidental, pure chance.
In practice, if you believe in fate, believe in destiny... Why are you doing anything? Why go to work? Why go to bars to search for dates, why go on fetlife to find a match, go to play parties, hook up with friends, why look for that one person, why hunt through the masses for your soulmate (which is another arguement entirely).
If fate and destiny truly exist, it means that nothing you do matters. Everything is preplanned, every little act and action, every person you meet, every breath you take, ever meal you eat, ever day you work, every plan cancelled, every plan made. All fate, all leading you to your "destiny".
So why do anything at all? If it is pre-planned. If some omnipotent being(s) already has your number, of Lachesis, Clotho and Atropos already have their weave set and your thread within the pattern matched... Why do anything? By the logic of fate, if you sat on your ass on the couch and played video games all day, or drank yourself into a stupor, if you did nothing but lay in bed beating off or reading, sleeping, if you never bathed, never went into sunlight, if you never acted to better yourself... You'd still get your just desserts.
Someone would knock on your door one day, selling girl guide cookies, or a magazine, or doing some survey, and boom, love at first sight. Turns out he/she is a hippy that likes men/women that don't bathe and play video games with a fifth of whiskey for dinner... And voila, fate plays into motion.
Except that doesn't happen, those events don't unfold except in -really- cheesy porn movies.
Destiny... That you have a pre-planned end before death.
This is about as much of a crock as fate. If you have a pre-planned ending, again, why work towards anything? If your letter "Z" is the same from A-Y, why do what we do from B-Y? Why go to school, why go to college, why try and impress our parents, friends, mates, lovers? Why work for that promotion to provide a better life for your children/Significant other? I mean hell, if Fate is in play, it doesn't matter what you do for them, they've already been cast their lot in life and nothing you do will change that.
Voltaire has a song called "Dead" And there's a verse in it...
God is all knowing
And God is all seeing
Just who do you think that you are
To change his mind?
He already knows what you want
And decided that you didn't need it
So don't bother asking for cures or an answer
God is the one who gave you the cancer.
Which is just another side to fate. No chance, no hope. It's already there, already done, already decided what will happen and what will become of you. If you believe in Fate and Destiny... Why act to better yourself? Your lot in life is already predetermined no matter what you do.
This is of course an entire catch 22 argument in and of itself, yes I know this, because if it's all predetermined, than what you do is predetermined anyways and you have no choice in the act itself, and so on so forth down the line.
In my opinion, and this is purely my opinion.. Those who believe in fate are fatalistic... Ha! Now there's an amusing shtick. Never even saw that till I wrote it. Fatalistic is deadly, lethal, inevitable. And derived from the word Fate to begin with. Thank you Latin for Fatalis.
So those who believe in destiny and fate, are already dooming themselves to mediocrity. They are already saying that they can't get any better than they already have, and yet there are so many out there who still work and press.
Next time someone stares dreamily into your eyes, and asks, "Do you believe in fate?" Ask yourself... Why are you at the bar if you believe in Fate? And then ask yourself if they are hot enough to lie to get into their pants and say "yes".
This is a rant, merely a trigger of thoughts and ideas that spring from a single thing someone said.
On a side note. No, I do not believe in Fate, it is why I work to better myself, my life, and my path on a daily basis. And the only Destiny I believe in, is that I will, one day in the future, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day... End up dead, burned, and mourned by a few people I paid before my death to act like they cared.
That is all.
Cheers.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Charmed, I'm sure
I can be charming and charismatic when I choose to be.
There are a few out there who agree with this statement, and know it for truth, and they are those out there who laugh at this statement, and respond with, "is that before, or after you insult them to the point of wanting to slap you?" ... Usually before, just as an fyi.
I am rarely charming or charismatic. Because my charm is that of a poet, it is soft words, sweet compliments, gently spoken and eloquent in delivery.
However to have the charm of a poet, one must have the heart of a poet. The problem with allowing oneself to have the heart of a poet, is that such a creature loves too easily. It falls as a hopeless romantic where the heart of a cynic stands cold to the brutal winds of reality.
The heart of a poet is easily donned, if given cause, or sometimes by sheer accident, but not so easily removed. When the heart of a poet is set upon the throne within a chest, to be left beating, it needs the attention and emotions of another, it begins to seek it out, and yearns for it.
The heart of a poet... The heart of a tortured artist... So on so forth. It's emotional, intense, and passionate. Yet it can be crushed so easily, so simply, with little effort put behind it. It can be unleashed one night, to soft spoken verses, and tales of the past... Understanding and caring, a shoulder to lean on. However then it begins to read more into what is being said, who is saying it, how it is spoken, and upon the next encounter, there is want, no, need.... There is a desire, a longing for more of it.
Except the heart of a poet doesn't see the truth, it sees what it craves. When the heart of the cynic whispers in it's ear the truth, or when the truth becomes emboldened by blatant statement, it tends to fold. The worst part of such a thing, is it is not the cruel depression of suicide, or the dark voices whispering death, but instead it is the razor shaving off confidence, self-esteem.... Nothing can show a man his worth like the reality of a situation. Or his lack of worth as a case may be.
Being elegant in speech doesn't fix everything, it doesn't help matters any, and when a girl wakes up and realizes that such a thing was indeed merely flowery words and gentle caresses, she may herself check back to reality when someone else offers her more than words, and more than thoughts.
This is a rambling post, I know, with what likely seems no point.
It is a reprimand for myself, it is a reminder of my worth, and why I am not charming all the time. It is a beacon to the heart of the cynic, and why poets don't belong in this world, as cruel and jaded as it is.
Cheers.
There are a few out there who agree with this statement, and know it for truth, and they are those out there who laugh at this statement, and respond with, "is that before, or after you insult them to the point of wanting to slap you?" ... Usually before, just as an fyi.
I am rarely charming or charismatic. Because my charm is that of a poet, it is soft words, sweet compliments, gently spoken and eloquent in delivery.
However to have the charm of a poet, one must have the heart of a poet. The problem with allowing oneself to have the heart of a poet, is that such a creature loves too easily. It falls as a hopeless romantic where the heart of a cynic stands cold to the brutal winds of reality.
The heart of a poet is easily donned, if given cause, or sometimes by sheer accident, but not so easily removed. When the heart of a poet is set upon the throne within a chest, to be left beating, it needs the attention and emotions of another, it begins to seek it out, and yearns for it.
The heart of a poet... The heart of a tortured artist... So on so forth. It's emotional, intense, and passionate. Yet it can be crushed so easily, so simply, with little effort put behind it. It can be unleashed one night, to soft spoken verses, and tales of the past... Understanding and caring, a shoulder to lean on. However then it begins to read more into what is being said, who is saying it, how it is spoken, and upon the next encounter, there is want, no, need.... There is a desire, a longing for more of it.
Except the heart of a poet doesn't see the truth, it sees what it craves. When the heart of the cynic whispers in it's ear the truth, or when the truth becomes emboldened by blatant statement, it tends to fold. The worst part of such a thing, is it is not the cruel depression of suicide, or the dark voices whispering death, but instead it is the razor shaving off confidence, self-esteem.... Nothing can show a man his worth like the reality of a situation. Or his lack of worth as a case may be.
Being elegant in speech doesn't fix everything, it doesn't help matters any, and when a girl wakes up and realizes that such a thing was indeed merely flowery words and gentle caresses, she may herself check back to reality when someone else offers her more than words, and more than thoughts.
This is a rambling post, I know, with what likely seems no point.
It is a reprimand for myself, it is a reminder of my worth, and why I am not charming all the time. It is a beacon to the heart of the cynic, and why poets don't belong in this world, as cruel and jaded as it is.
Cheers.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
And they're gonna get high high high when they're low low low
the fire burns from better days
and she screams why why why
and I say I don't know....
So here I sit, late at night, looking at my monitor, listening to green day, with my bedroom door open so Dani can enjoy the music as well.
She's all bent up out of shape because of what is going on with Brig... She loves him, he doesn't love her, or at least doesn't show it, and it causes her pain, him amusement, and me no end of issues since he takes advantage of the situation.
My monthly coffee fund vanished last night. Which is to say, the money I was going to have on hand so I could go into barrie on Tuesdays and meet with my friends, enjoy the company and socializing. However, such visits into barrie mean I need to split the gas (or more accurately, pay the majority of it), and that means $20 or so per trip.
Last night, Brigham decided he wanted to go to the Drive-in. I figured, "Ok, sure. Why not, he's going anyways." And went with him and dani. He decided as we got there, that since he treated last time we went (which was a cheap night per car load), that I would treat this time around. I thought, "alright, I suppose I can do that." not knowing the cost of it. So he spends $30 to get in.
I paid it, with no complaint. No point complaining anyways... The movies were decent. Arthur, Paul, and Your Highness... The last of them was hilarious. On the way home, he pulls into the gas station and tells me I'm paying for it. $60 in gas.
So... What WAS going to be a quiet night in, with Game of Thrones and Nikita... Turned into a $100 night out with severe back pain and uncomfortable positioning. $100 when I need to pay bills still, and after Brigham took $250 from me for the party on friday, and took another $100 the week previous for groceries that he never even bought.
There's a hole in my wallet, and it siphons directly into Brigham's pocket.
And then he acts surprised and disappointed when I tell him I can't afford to go to coffee. I wonder why? Probably because if I don't go to coffee with him and dani, it means he actually has to pay for the gas, instead of making me do it.
I'm at a loss. I've said it before.. But every time I seem to catch up, I end up falling back on my ass with a shocked look on my face wondering what the hell just hit me.
---------
Rift is still fun, but losing it's appeal as I find the end game to be just as wanting as it is in WoW, and the game itself is rather lacking in re-play value. I have three characters, one at endgame, and two near the beginning, still in the starting zone, but it is already seeming repetitive. There's no diversity yet, nothing to make it worth the time to play through a second time for a second 50. Less so because my first character, a Cleric, has the spec'ing capability for healing, ranged dps, melee dps, or tanking.... And four specs available to it to actually open up -all- of those (assuming you never want to solo, or solo with one of the above specs).
So I go in, do my dailies, and otherwise haven't done much with it. I read a little before bed, watch some shows, and that is about it.
----
The party on friday was fun. The play was more intense than the one previous, and as usual I was the Dungeon Master supervising.. Which meant I got stuck in one place for over eight hours of a party. Standing up the whole time. Talk about draining... My feet were killing me by the end of the night. And of course, end of the night is when I get my chance to play... Which I had two scenes... One with someone new to the lifestyle that I just got in touch with, whom is an interesting woman worth getting to know. Married, mind you, but open to experimentation, though her husband is vanilla.
Brigham wants to do shifts for the next party, so that he has some time as the DM as well. Most of me doesn't like this idea. I don't trust him as a DM. He's inexperienced, he has little knowledge, and I just don't trust him in general. A small part of me, wants to jump all over it, so that I can either play myself, or actually be upstairs socializing with other people, instead of being tethered to one part of the household for the whole night.
So instead of trusting him, I'm going to have to trust the trending of the party. Which has been consensual, experienced players, who don't really need the supervision. It's there though to provide that aura of safety for it all. I'm unobtrusive, I facilitate play as I can, and it works out well.
Brigham has been getting into the habit of bringing women over. As a social event, but he then goes into the basement with them for play. This has only happened twice so far, but evidently it is aiming to happen again this week. He never asks me for the use of my tools, merely assumes I'll be ok with it, or maybe he just doesn't give a shit if I'm ok with it or not. I am prone to lean towards the latter. So tonight I took all my toys up into my room. It may seem petty, but the man charges me for gas for -him- to go to the drive-in, and then expects me to do HIM favors? Really? Not anymore.
-------
I've started looking online for correspondence courses. I've recently been reminded how much I enjoy teaching. I've found a GED online correspondence that costs $1000. Which may be expensive, but there's not a lot else I can think of to do for it. It will get me my diploma, and get me on the road to perhaps becoming an actual Teacher... Maybe for history, or English... Or Math... Or... I don't know. But it's SOMETHING, right? Just a start, which is more than I have now.
I don't know if I want to start it now, or wait until I'm out of here and into a more stable financial situation. One may have offered it's potential. However it isn't something to jump on yet, it will take time to cultivate, work into, and let a comfort level bloom before I broach it as a serious thing. I don't like the thought of moving further away from Barrie. I'm already too far from it... My doctor is there, many of my friends are there (what few I have), and my connections to my old life are there.
However as a temporary stop gap, something to recover with... It's viable. Just not viable yet.
Things are going to take time to work out. But I'm getting closer to working them out now than I was two months ago. I won't winter here again. Which isn't saying much, I suppose, since it leaves 7 months that I may be stuck here without breaking that word. I don't want to be here for the whole fall, I want to be gone before Dani starts school in the fall. Which is still five months out.
Time is all I can ask for right now. I will see what happens, as there is nothing else I can do.
Cheers,
Chris.
and she screams why why why
and I say I don't know....
So here I sit, late at night, looking at my monitor, listening to green day, with my bedroom door open so Dani can enjoy the music as well.
She's all bent up out of shape because of what is going on with Brig... She loves him, he doesn't love her, or at least doesn't show it, and it causes her pain, him amusement, and me no end of issues since he takes advantage of the situation.
My monthly coffee fund vanished last night. Which is to say, the money I was going to have on hand so I could go into barrie on Tuesdays and meet with my friends, enjoy the company and socializing. However, such visits into barrie mean I need to split the gas (or more accurately, pay the majority of it), and that means $20 or so per trip.
Last night, Brigham decided he wanted to go to the Drive-in. I figured, "Ok, sure. Why not, he's going anyways." And went with him and dani. He decided as we got there, that since he treated last time we went (which was a cheap night per car load), that I would treat this time around. I thought, "alright, I suppose I can do that." not knowing the cost of it. So he spends $30 to get in.
I paid it, with no complaint. No point complaining anyways... The movies were decent. Arthur, Paul, and Your Highness... The last of them was hilarious. On the way home, he pulls into the gas station and tells me I'm paying for it. $60 in gas.
So... What WAS going to be a quiet night in, with Game of Thrones and Nikita... Turned into a $100 night out with severe back pain and uncomfortable positioning. $100 when I need to pay bills still, and after Brigham took $250 from me for the party on friday, and took another $100 the week previous for groceries that he never even bought.
There's a hole in my wallet, and it siphons directly into Brigham's pocket.
And then he acts surprised and disappointed when I tell him I can't afford to go to coffee. I wonder why? Probably because if I don't go to coffee with him and dani, it means he actually has to pay for the gas, instead of making me do it.
I'm at a loss. I've said it before.. But every time I seem to catch up, I end up falling back on my ass with a shocked look on my face wondering what the hell just hit me.
---------
Rift is still fun, but losing it's appeal as I find the end game to be just as wanting as it is in WoW, and the game itself is rather lacking in re-play value. I have three characters, one at endgame, and two near the beginning, still in the starting zone, but it is already seeming repetitive. There's no diversity yet, nothing to make it worth the time to play through a second time for a second 50. Less so because my first character, a Cleric, has the spec'ing capability for healing, ranged dps, melee dps, or tanking.... And four specs available to it to actually open up -all- of those (assuming you never want to solo, or solo with one of the above specs).
So I go in, do my dailies, and otherwise haven't done much with it. I read a little before bed, watch some shows, and that is about it.
----
The party on friday was fun. The play was more intense than the one previous, and as usual I was the Dungeon Master supervising.. Which meant I got stuck in one place for over eight hours of a party. Standing up the whole time. Talk about draining... My feet were killing me by the end of the night. And of course, end of the night is when I get my chance to play... Which I had two scenes... One with someone new to the lifestyle that I just got in touch with, whom is an interesting woman worth getting to know. Married, mind you, but open to experimentation, though her husband is vanilla.
Brigham wants to do shifts for the next party, so that he has some time as the DM as well. Most of me doesn't like this idea. I don't trust him as a DM. He's inexperienced, he has little knowledge, and I just don't trust him in general. A small part of me, wants to jump all over it, so that I can either play myself, or actually be upstairs socializing with other people, instead of being tethered to one part of the household for the whole night.
So instead of trusting him, I'm going to have to trust the trending of the party. Which has been consensual, experienced players, who don't really need the supervision. It's there though to provide that aura of safety for it all. I'm unobtrusive, I facilitate play as I can, and it works out well.
Brigham has been getting into the habit of bringing women over. As a social event, but he then goes into the basement with them for play. This has only happened twice so far, but evidently it is aiming to happen again this week. He never asks me for the use of my tools, merely assumes I'll be ok with it, or maybe he just doesn't give a shit if I'm ok with it or not. I am prone to lean towards the latter. So tonight I took all my toys up into my room. It may seem petty, but the man charges me for gas for -him- to go to the drive-in, and then expects me to do HIM favors? Really? Not anymore.
-------
I've started looking online for correspondence courses. I've recently been reminded how much I enjoy teaching. I've found a GED online correspondence that costs $1000. Which may be expensive, but there's not a lot else I can think of to do for it. It will get me my diploma, and get me on the road to perhaps becoming an actual Teacher... Maybe for history, or English... Or Math... Or... I don't know. But it's SOMETHING, right? Just a start, which is more than I have now.
I don't know if I want to start it now, or wait until I'm out of here and into a more stable financial situation. One may have offered it's potential. However it isn't something to jump on yet, it will take time to cultivate, work into, and let a comfort level bloom before I broach it as a serious thing. I don't like the thought of moving further away from Barrie. I'm already too far from it... My doctor is there, many of my friends are there (what few I have), and my connections to my old life are there.
However as a temporary stop gap, something to recover with... It's viable. Just not viable yet.
Things are going to take time to work out. But I'm getting closer to working them out now than I was two months ago. I won't winter here again. Which isn't saying much, I suppose, since it leaves 7 months that I may be stuck here without breaking that word. I don't want to be here for the whole fall, I want to be gone before Dani starts school in the fall. Which is still five months out.
Time is all I can ask for right now. I will see what happens, as there is nothing else I can do.
Cheers,
Chris.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Stalkers and Debt
One step forward, three steps back, it seems. Always seems that way.
I understand that this journal tends to be 1 part good to 4 parts bitching. However it's supposed to be about what is going on in my life on a day to day basis, what is on my mind, what is happening with me. Well, the answer to those things, tends to be bitching with the odd good part tossed in.
My plans to hang out with a friend for the weekend got postponed due to them having a new job and wanting to settle in before they can relax, which is fine, and I understand the adjustment period on that kind of thing. At the same time, it seems every penny I get is going towards bills, bills, and more bills. It's an overwhelming concept that is above and beyond anything I experienced in barrie.
This of course isn't helped by Brigham deciding I owe him money for everything from gas when he gets coffee and gets me one as well, to groceries, to $200 when HIS car breaks down. Seems every time I turn around I'm giving him money for something, either trivial or otherwise.
I look at the amount of groceries he supposedly buys, the cost of them, how much he charges me, and then I look in the cupboards and hunt for something to actually eat for food, and come up short as often as not -my meal today... the last slice of some near-bad apple pie, and three cheese slices, because there's nothing simple to be made- and wonder exactly -what- he bought.
This is of course in addition to the fact he hasn't paid a penny towards bills since we've moved in here (and the bills are insanely high)... So I seem to be paying for food, paying for gas, paying the bills... And it's just... excessive. I can't move out, because I don't have a place to move to, and even if I did, it takes money to move.
And bobbi.... w....t....f.....
I've known her for almost ten years now, from when she started in gor with a friend, to her becoming Mine... to the drama that ensued... And so on so forth through a tumultous history and one of the very few people who actually knows me for me.
I removed her from my life some time ago, as I didn't, and don't, have the patience to deal with her. Which of course I figured to be the end of it... And yet... She's still out there, still reading up on me, still checking in on me, and so on so forth. I could simply change my blog address, but that is effort I see no reason to put in.
She confuses me, as I see nothing in it for her to read anything I may write here. She has her partner and her master (two separate people), she has her lil chatsite to run, and I'm sure she has plenty of other things to amuse her than to read up on someone that doesn't give a flying fuck if she fell off the face of the earth.
Oh well...
So I started playing Rift. Interesting game... It could be a WoW killer over time... As long as people remember it isn't WoW, and even though it has many things that WoW had, and a number of things done better than WoW.. It's still in it's infancy. It took WoW almost 6 years to come out with a dungeon finder, Rift isn't even two months old, yet.
It's a fun game though, and the content is very intensive to get involved in, and challenging. Though the interface is a little difficult and clunky to deal with at times, I find it fun nonetheless.
I've started a few new shows. Being Human... A show about a werewolf orderly who lives with a vampire nurse, in a house haunted by the ghost of the land lord's fiance.... God, it sounds like a cheezy cartoon to even type it... Or a horrible sitcom. Except it's a fairly decent series, with a more serious twist behind it, as opposed to the normal slap stick you might expect. At the same time, I find some of the situations amusing and have face-palmed a time or two... Josh - the werewolf... is just... Well... unique.
Anyways... That's all for now, I'm going to watch an episode or two, figure out something to eat, and then hop in rift for my first endgame raid.
I understand that this journal tends to be 1 part good to 4 parts bitching. However it's supposed to be about what is going on in my life on a day to day basis, what is on my mind, what is happening with me. Well, the answer to those things, tends to be bitching with the odd good part tossed in.
My plans to hang out with a friend for the weekend got postponed due to them having a new job and wanting to settle in before they can relax, which is fine, and I understand the adjustment period on that kind of thing. At the same time, it seems every penny I get is going towards bills, bills, and more bills. It's an overwhelming concept that is above and beyond anything I experienced in barrie.
This of course isn't helped by Brigham deciding I owe him money for everything from gas when he gets coffee and gets me one as well, to groceries, to $200 when HIS car breaks down. Seems every time I turn around I'm giving him money for something, either trivial or otherwise.
I look at the amount of groceries he supposedly buys, the cost of them, how much he charges me, and then I look in the cupboards and hunt for something to actually eat for food, and come up short as often as not -my meal today... the last slice of some near-bad apple pie, and three cheese slices, because there's nothing simple to be made- and wonder exactly -what- he bought.
This is of course in addition to the fact he hasn't paid a penny towards bills since we've moved in here (and the bills are insanely high)... So I seem to be paying for food, paying for gas, paying the bills... And it's just... excessive. I can't move out, because I don't have a place to move to, and even if I did, it takes money to move.
And bobbi.... w....t....f.....
I've known her for almost ten years now, from when she started in gor with a friend, to her becoming Mine... to the drama that ensued... And so on so forth through a tumultous history and one of the very few people who actually knows me for me.
I removed her from my life some time ago, as I didn't, and don't, have the patience to deal with her. Which of course I figured to be the end of it... And yet... She's still out there, still reading up on me, still checking in on me, and so on so forth. I could simply change my blog address, but that is effort I see no reason to put in.
She confuses me, as I see nothing in it for her to read anything I may write here. She has her partner and her master (two separate people), she has her lil chatsite to run, and I'm sure she has plenty of other things to amuse her than to read up on someone that doesn't give a flying fuck if she fell off the face of the earth.
Oh well...
So I started playing Rift. Interesting game... It could be a WoW killer over time... As long as people remember it isn't WoW, and even though it has many things that WoW had, and a number of things done better than WoW.. It's still in it's infancy. It took WoW almost 6 years to come out with a dungeon finder, Rift isn't even two months old, yet.
It's a fun game though, and the content is very intensive to get involved in, and challenging. Though the interface is a little difficult and clunky to deal with at times, I find it fun nonetheless.
I've started a few new shows. Being Human... A show about a werewolf orderly who lives with a vampire nurse, in a house haunted by the ghost of the land lord's fiance.... God, it sounds like a cheezy cartoon to even type it... Or a horrible sitcom. Except it's a fairly decent series, with a more serious twist behind it, as opposed to the normal slap stick you might expect. At the same time, I find some of the situations amusing and have face-palmed a time or two... Josh - the werewolf... is just... Well... unique.
Anyways... That's all for now, I'm going to watch an episode or two, figure out something to eat, and then hop in rift for my first endgame raid.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Another life, another place
Chandra and I made an amazing couple. We got along great, could make each other laugh, could talk about nearly anything without worry for insult or concern. We agreed on many things, and could mock people in the same fashion. We could tell each other things and not worry about the wrong ears hearing about it.
However, there were too many complications, too many issues, too many "what ifs" and "whys" and "I don't want but she does"es.... She wants a family, children from her own womb. I don't want such a thing... If I do decide for some bizarre reason to produce my own children, it will be through adoption. Millions of children are out there, already abandoned from the womb... Why toss another into the batch? Why not take one of the rejects from the bargain bin, such as it were?
At the same time, she holds family in high regard. I don't. I just very recently started getting along with my family, and that after years of strain and even so, still has some issues underlying it. Chandra can always turn to family for help, can always get the help she needs as she needs it. I can't. Even with talking to my father again, with an amiable relationship with my sister now that I didn't have in the past, I can't ask either of them for help. If I could, I'd not be in the situation I am in currently. I'd not be paying out $600 in a month for groceries and gas that I never partake of or see the use of. I'd not be living in the middle of nowhere, worse case scenario, if I had a communication with my family, I could have lived in or rented out my sister's basement apartment.
Such is not the case.
I have no problems with my lack of connection with family. It may complicate life on the whole, however, it simplifies it as well. If I can't go to them for help, they can't come to me. Which of course is ironic, given that none of them would ever need help, being older and financially stable in their pursuits. Of course, that leads to my independent, "I don't need you" attitude that originally caused the gap between my sister and I, which says that though they are better off, I won't sink to desperation to ask for help.
Which is all a pain in the ass and a catch 22 circle that doesn't stop or have an ending.
Chandra and I got along great, but we have little in common. We didn't like the same music, didn't always like the same tv, we don't like the same kinds of people, we don't have the same political or moral views, among many other things. We weren't sexually compatible, we didn't mesh behind the bedroom curtains so to speak, and so on so forth.
So it was ended, and on a friendly note. No name calling, no bitching, threats, no childish behaviour, nothing of the sort. No dragging people into it, forcing friends to take sides with one of us (which, if you are reading this, you're on my side, just for the record).
It is the end of another chapter, but at least in this one, there's a reoccurring character in the next one to be written. That is a benefit at the least.
I've spent this past week talking with someone from the local community, someone that I didn't even realize noticed my existence, as she is very withdrawn and tends to gravitate to certain people. Which really, is the whole barrie community.... Cliques and circles that specific people run in, and if you aren't part of it, than you aren't acknowledged by the rest. Being part of one clique doesn't give you rights to another, even if someone from the clique you are part of (like tuesday night coffee), is part of the other clique (like the zoo crew -the name given to the high energy, heavy activity clique within barrie-)...
Which in turn comes to politics, drama, and convoluted initiation rites that don't have anything to do with anything. Anyways!!! This girl I figured to be part of the zoo crew, she's matched with one of the community's more noted sadists. Someone else who has shown little acknowledgement of me, though we've spoken a time or two. Of course I'd been told in the past that he didn't like my arrogance and my Dominant views.
After Chandra and I broke up, he actually sent me a message, asking if everything was ok, and we got to talking. Turns out he had done some thinking, and has come to the conclusion that he and I are very similar, and it was that competitive nature and one-up-manship that he had been pique-ish about, until he realized he has it too, and that we would probably get along rather well. And given our attitudes, and laid back manner, that is very probably true.
Of course, before the break up, his girl had been hunting down a katana for a photoshoot. Anyone that knows me, knows I happen to have a small collection with some nicer pieces. I volunteered two of them for the shoot, which she accepted happily. This of course led to her and I talking, as opposed to bare minimum passing courtesies.
She and I seem to have a lot in common. Similar views on integrity and honesty, similar views on honour and keeping one's word. She's even a gamer, though stuck with a mere nintendo wii. Not that it is much benefit given that all the new generation systems are bastardizations created on graphics with no intention to offer a true or decent storyline to the over hyped graphics they spew... err.... wait, where was I? Oh yeah, hot chick borrowing a sword.
We've actually been talking more often as of late, with similar interests and views. It is rather refreshing to speak to someone without teetering on egg shells and wondering when I'll hear the ice crack under my feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on tip toes around many comments, subjects, and ideas in my mind, but it is easing up bit by bit, and more so as I find her acceptance to be broader than that of the masses. Though perhaps not quite so broad as my own. When one has no limits on where they will go with thought or word, it tends to be a life of finding where one -should- go with it without straining too hard within their own skins.
I had a thought when I started this entry to write poetry. However I've no topic, no thought on which to center upon. So like many things, it will merely be laid to rest as it is, and if I decide to come back to it, I will. Otherwise, meh.
It's been an interesting week. Perhaps not an ideal week, but not the worst I've experienced. In fact, with the inclusion of alei and Cherry, it is one of the better weeks of this year, even given the break up, which in truth was a stress that she and I both needed to relieve ourselves of. I can just hope she shares that view, or this may be the start of the name calling the threats... Just remember, you're on my side.
Cheers,
Chris.
However, there were too many complications, too many issues, too many "what ifs" and "whys" and "I don't want but she does"es.... She wants a family, children from her own womb. I don't want such a thing... If I do decide for some bizarre reason to produce my own children, it will be through adoption. Millions of children are out there, already abandoned from the womb... Why toss another into the batch? Why not take one of the rejects from the bargain bin, such as it were?
At the same time, she holds family in high regard. I don't. I just very recently started getting along with my family, and that after years of strain and even so, still has some issues underlying it. Chandra can always turn to family for help, can always get the help she needs as she needs it. I can't. Even with talking to my father again, with an amiable relationship with my sister now that I didn't have in the past, I can't ask either of them for help. If I could, I'd not be in the situation I am in currently. I'd not be paying out $600 in a month for groceries and gas that I never partake of or see the use of. I'd not be living in the middle of nowhere, worse case scenario, if I had a communication with my family, I could have lived in or rented out my sister's basement apartment.
Such is not the case.
I have no problems with my lack of connection with family. It may complicate life on the whole, however, it simplifies it as well. If I can't go to them for help, they can't come to me. Which of course is ironic, given that none of them would ever need help, being older and financially stable in their pursuits. Of course, that leads to my independent, "I don't need you" attitude that originally caused the gap between my sister and I, which says that though they are better off, I won't sink to desperation to ask for help.
Which is all a pain in the ass and a catch 22 circle that doesn't stop or have an ending.
Chandra and I got along great, but we have little in common. We didn't like the same music, didn't always like the same tv, we don't like the same kinds of people, we don't have the same political or moral views, among many other things. We weren't sexually compatible, we didn't mesh behind the bedroom curtains so to speak, and so on so forth.
So it was ended, and on a friendly note. No name calling, no bitching, threats, no childish behaviour, nothing of the sort. No dragging people into it, forcing friends to take sides with one of us (which, if you are reading this, you're on my side, just for the record).
It is the end of another chapter, but at least in this one, there's a reoccurring character in the next one to be written. That is a benefit at the least.
I've spent this past week talking with someone from the local community, someone that I didn't even realize noticed my existence, as she is very withdrawn and tends to gravitate to certain people. Which really, is the whole barrie community.... Cliques and circles that specific people run in, and if you aren't part of it, than you aren't acknowledged by the rest. Being part of one clique doesn't give you rights to another, even if someone from the clique you are part of (like tuesday night coffee), is part of the other clique (like the zoo crew -the name given to the high energy, heavy activity clique within barrie-)...
Which in turn comes to politics, drama, and convoluted initiation rites that don't have anything to do with anything. Anyways!!! This girl I figured to be part of the zoo crew, she's matched with one of the community's more noted sadists. Someone else who has shown little acknowledgement of me, though we've spoken a time or two. Of course I'd been told in the past that he didn't like my arrogance and my Dominant views.
After Chandra and I broke up, he actually sent me a message, asking if everything was ok, and we got to talking. Turns out he had done some thinking, and has come to the conclusion that he and I are very similar, and it was that competitive nature and one-up-manship that he had been pique-ish about, until he realized he has it too, and that we would probably get along rather well. And given our attitudes, and laid back manner, that is very probably true.
Of course, before the break up, his girl had been hunting down a katana for a photoshoot. Anyone that knows me, knows I happen to have a small collection with some nicer pieces. I volunteered two of them for the shoot, which she accepted happily. This of course led to her and I talking, as opposed to bare minimum passing courtesies.
She and I seem to have a lot in common. Similar views on integrity and honesty, similar views on honour and keeping one's word. She's even a gamer, though stuck with a mere nintendo wii. Not that it is much benefit given that all the new generation systems are bastardizations created on graphics with no intention to offer a true or decent storyline to the over hyped graphics they spew... err.... wait, where was I? Oh yeah, hot chick borrowing a sword.
We've actually been talking more often as of late, with similar interests and views. It is rather refreshing to speak to someone without teetering on egg shells and wondering when I'll hear the ice crack under my feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on tip toes around many comments, subjects, and ideas in my mind, but it is easing up bit by bit, and more so as I find her acceptance to be broader than that of the masses. Though perhaps not quite so broad as my own. When one has no limits on where they will go with thought or word, it tends to be a life of finding where one -should- go with it without straining too hard within their own skins.
I had a thought when I started this entry to write poetry. However I've no topic, no thought on which to center upon. So like many things, it will merely be laid to rest as it is, and if I decide to come back to it, I will. Otherwise, meh.
It's been an interesting week. Perhaps not an ideal week, but not the worst I've experienced. In fact, with the inclusion of alei and Cherry, it is one of the better weeks of this year, even given the break up, which in truth was a stress that she and I both needed to relieve ourselves of. I can just hope she shares that view, or this may be the start of the name calling the threats... Just remember, you're on my side.
Cheers,
Chris.
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