I'm sitting on one, and I have no idea when, or if it will explode, or how big that explosion will be.
This situation is just waiting for the spark that will ignite the whole thing.
Brigham thinks this is a dictatorship, that is not the case, that was never the case, and it cannot BE the case. We split the rent and the bills evenly three ways. Food is split three ways. This is a democracy. You cannot, under any circumstances, manage THREE people in one household as a dictatorship. It doesn't work when none of them are in a relationship, and none of them hold the upper hand.
This view point is going to cause problems. Bigger problems if it doesn't get shifted to a more appropriate level of stability. The truth is, this isn't a horrible place to be, or a bad situation. What makes it a bad situation is the behavior of those involved.
I've commented before on feeling like an outsider because of the connection Brig and Dani have with each other. However it is more than that. There are times I wonder if Brigham does things with the express purpose of trying to piss me off, or just to irritate me.
There are things in the house that just don't fit, and can't fit, and if they continue on this course, something is going to break, and I pray it isn't me.
Dani gets no respect, Brigham controls her sleep, he makes her cook for him, make the coffee, she does most of the dishes, and he subjugates her. Which, if they were together, or she were a complete submissive, would seem reasonable. However he does it because he knows she won't say no, because she hates conflict, and she doesn't want to fuck up this arrangement, the first time she's lived away from home. If the shit hits the fan, she doesn't want it to be her fault... And yet... I see her as near a breaking point.
I've taken to bringing my MP3 player with me when I have to go in the car with Brig, because he listens to AM 640, a sports talk show. I don't like sports to begin with, and hate talk shows even more (namely because I worked for one for a year when I was younger.... fucking annoying as hell).
And when he does listen to music, it is his own (of course, no argument there), but he doesn't LISTEN to it. He puts it on, skips seven songs, listens to half of another, fast forwards through the rest, listens to the next, switches the CD, repeats the process, then wonders why the CD player malfunctions and spits out an error, and then he goes back to the talk show.
So that is a point of contention for me right there. Of course, I let it go, I have an MP3 player, I can drown out the irritation.
The other reason I avoid going out with him, is that he smokes. Smoking doesn't bother me unless it is excessive, and he is a pack a day smoker. Which if he went outside wouldn't be a big deal, except he smokes inside. The living room smells like an ash tray some days. In the car, he smokes, rolls down his window to do it, and then doesn't put it back up. Now, lets be reasonable, in the summer, or early fall, even the late spring... This would be nice to do. However, late november doing 140 km/h on the high way, the wind that whips in is fucking cold as hell, and hits the back seat full force.
Which, I've been delegated to the back seat because he prefers to have Dani up front. This is of course so he can childishly harass her, and then patronize her for "touching the driver"... the driver that just punched her in the arm, or pinched her tit, or poked her, smacked her, etc... I won't be surpised when this happens one day, and the slight shift he makes on the road causes a collision and fucks us all.
Yes, I'm bitching, yes I have issues, and yes, I've brought some of them up already, and the others will be brought up as well at some point. I need to get them out there and handled and dealt with so that this can work. I can't afford a place on my own, therefore I need to find a happy medium in this to make it work out. I tried hiding away and keeping to myself, this didn't work out because he insists on us interacting regularly to "get along", so that the three of us under one roof isn't merely three random individuals together. I can normally escape this in my room if I simply slip out of the living room when they start their childish behavior.
In any event... I'm taking things in stride and trying to put my mind in order, keep it simple, and let it flow over me without combusting into a conflagoration(sp?) that may or may not shred my mind more than it already is right now.
I need to make an appointment with my doctor and see if he's gotten his act together to get my family medical history, and if not, then get him to push a schedule for a specialist to do the muscle biopsy to finally determine my status with my Muscular Dystrophy.
My writing is turning to shit. It seems every time I try, I hit a block after a few paragraphs, even when I have the outline done up already. I need more information on this world I'm supposed to be writing in... Doing it blind just doesn't work to begin with.
Chandra will be delayed until sometime in the new year. In the mean time I'm watching time pass by and waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
One day at a time, after all, what else can I do?
Cheers,
Chris.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Worst thing to do to yourself
I've a history ripe with conflict, issues, stupidity, stupid mistakes, worse revenge, and more.
In all of this, I think the worst possible thing one could do to themselves, is to detox unaided, and without the slow let down.
I'm impatient, I always have been when it comes to the end results of something. When I know there is an end result, and wish to see that end result, I tend to bull ahead for the ending credits, as opposed to carefully working the meat and potatoes of the activity as it were.
Which means, for me... When I find a drug isn't working, even after I know my body is reliant, and dependant upon the chemical excretions it lets out into my brain... As opposed to lowering my dose slowly, and tapering off of it with little to no side effects, I instead quit cold turkey. Stopping the intake of the ineffective drug, feel fine for two days while it vanishes in my body, and then suffering the shakes, and chills, before moving on to the fever, cold sweats, hot flashes, and extreme discomfort of my body jonesing for something I am no longer giving it, and finally, a weakness that has me laying in bed wondering why I'm not dead yet.
So that has my week planned out for me... Detox'ing off another antidepressant that doesn't help me. My doctor is on vacation, so I can't even make an appointment until next week. Which is a less than pleasing prospect...
I'm also noticing, as I lapse into depression again, with a hermit attitude and less and less desire to actually socialize (which probably is compounded by the fact my household just reminds me that my girl is not here and makes me feel like a third wheel), that I find my desire to interact with people is becoming lower and lower, which is to say my desire to play.
I can't seem to get up the desire to want to play with someone, to want to beat them, to inflict that pain, to bring the agony into their eyes, their sounds, and to make it echo through sweet screams from the tortured. I don't care. I'm back to an indifferent pose where even the screams of pain elicited from a given victim falls upon deaf ears.
Which, given the fact that I've grown so much in the community, and have found enough people to satiate my previous desires in delivering pain, causes some small issue with those who are willing, and some even eager, to play with me. If I can't scrape together the desire to, or the want to, swing a flogger, or a paddle, or pierce flesh with a needle, or my new hose flogger, or a rope flogger, or my club... Than why invite them to play?
On another note, inadequacy almost cost me entertainment tonight. I've been eagerly awaiting the twelfth book of the wheel of time to come to soft cover so I could read it, devour it, and now that it is out, and opportunity arises, my roommate is kind enough to pick it up... I didn't feel like moving today, I still don't while I feel the prozzac draining from me... And she can't find it. I KNOW they have it, I know the stores she has gone to have had it, but she says she can't find it.
It's there, I even called a place she already left to find out, and they had copies. Plenty of them. Now she is at another location claiming she can't find it, but it is there, I know it is there, because even the website claims almost 90 copies available.
I want my book, it will make the shakes and depression at least a little easier to bare. I'm slowly going crazy, and though I've reached that point long ago, I feel the breaking point in my mind shuddering in fear of the confrontation.
In all of this, I think the worst possible thing one could do to themselves, is to detox unaided, and without the slow let down.
I'm impatient, I always have been when it comes to the end results of something. When I know there is an end result, and wish to see that end result, I tend to bull ahead for the ending credits, as opposed to carefully working the meat and potatoes of the activity as it were.
Which means, for me... When I find a drug isn't working, even after I know my body is reliant, and dependant upon the chemical excretions it lets out into my brain... As opposed to lowering my dose slowly, and tapering off of it with little to no side effects, I instead quit cold turkey. Stopping the intake of the ineffective drug, feel fine for two days while it vanishes in my body, and then suffering the shakes, and chills, before moving on to the fever, cold sweats, hot flashes, and extreme discomfort of my body jonesing for something I am no longer giving it, and finally, a weakness that has me laying in bed wondering why I'm not dead yet.
So that has my week planned out for me... Detox'ing off another antidepressant that doesn't help me. My doctor is on vacation, so I can't even make an appointment until next week. Which is a less than pleasing prospect...
I'm also noticing, as I lapse into depression again, with a hermit attitude and less and less desire to actually socialize (which probably is compounded by the fact my household just reminds me that my girl is not here and makes me feel like a third wheel), that I find my desire to interact with people is becoming lower and lower, which is to say my desire to play.
I can't seem to get up the desire to want to play with someone, to want to beat them, to inflict that pain, to bring the agony into their eyes, their sounds, and to make it echo through sweet screams from the tortured. I don't care. I'm back to an indifferent pose where even the screams of pain elicited from a given victim falls upon deaf ears.
Which, given the fact that I've grown so much in the community, and have found enough people to satiate my previous desires in delivering pain, causes some small issue with those who are willing, and some even eager, to play with me. If I can't scrape together the desire to, or the want to, swing a flogger, or a paddle, or pierce flesh with a needle, or my new hose flogger, or a rope flogger, or my club... Than why invite them to play?
On another note, inadequacy almost cost me entertainment tonight. I've been eagerly awaiting the twelfth book of the wheel of time to come to soft cover so I could read it, devour it, and now that it is out, and opportunity arises, my roommate is kind enough to pick it up... I didn't feel like moving today, I still don't while I feel the prozzac draining from me... And she can't find it. I KNOW they have it, I know the stores she has gone to have had it, but she says she can't find it.
It's there, I even called a place she already left to find out, and they had copies. Plenty of them. Now she is at another location claiming she can't find it, but it is there, I know it is there, because even the website claims almost 90 copies available.
I want my book, it will make the shakes and depression at least a little easier to bare. I'm slowly going crazy, and though I've reached that point long ago, I feel the breaking point in my mind shuddering in fear of the confrontation.
Ret Con
Retroactive continuity. The act of changing one event in a character's past in order to change their present situation and all things in between.
What if Peter Parker called in sick to that field trip? What if his uncle hadn't been killed? Etc etc etc.
Comic books, and usually soap operas, do ret coning all the time. They change one thing in the history of a character in order to better fit that character into a scenario of their own choosing.
I had an idea almost a year ago, that retcon would work as the best possible break up strategy. I mean, what better thing to do to end a relationship, than remove the one event that had you two together to begin with? "I'm sorry, girlfriend? We never dated. I never asked you out. I took that moment out of my life. I've been pretty normal this past year, just single... Though had a couple one night stands."
Ret con the moment that changes the events leading up to the present, and you then have a new beginning. This beginning may or may not be accepted by the other party, but if you can truly do it, truly work it out of your mind without animosity or paying attention to memories, you can make an unhealthy living by merely ret conning the bad shit.
So... That being said. I am going to be ret conning my meeting with the puppet. Why? Because she is spending time in my home, and that is a pain in the ass with the current arrangement she and I have (which is to say she hates me, and my intelligence is offended by her stupidity). So I shall retcon it, and this time around, limit my exposure. After all, if she's Brig's and Dani's friend, instead of my friend who I introduced to them, than I have a reason to limit exposure.
Yes, it seems confusing, over-convoluted, and like it would never work. But to be fair, I'm not precisely the most sane person in the world, and more so, I forget what I had for breakfast by the time lunch comes around. That being said, I think I could simply let myself forget why she is such an irritant. This of course comes from knowing that I never read my own journal except to check comments.
Of course, even then, I am sure it is a viable option because I want it to be a viable option, and in the words of dani, I deny your reality and replace it with one of my choosing. Therefore, this reality totally has me not knowing the puppet and not realizing how much of a pain in the ass she can be.
Might make for an amusing month, give or take.
On another note, my current medication for depression is not working. I will have to call to make an appointment to fix that. I need to correct my issues, an if the prozzac isn't working anymore, was it -ever- working? I mean, maybe it was simply chandra that made my life worth while while she was here, and now that she is gone, it complicates everything and... well, yeah.
That is all for now. Night, and cheers.
Chris.
What if Peter Parker called in sick to that field trip? What if his uncle hadn't been killed? Etc etc etc.
Comic books, and usually soap operas, do ret coning all the time. They change one thing in the history of a character in order to better fit that character into a scenario of their own choosing.
I had an idea almost a year ago, that retcon would work as the best possible break up strategy. I mean, what better thing to do to end a relationship, than remove the one event that had you two together to begin with? "I'm sorry, girlfriend? We never dated. I never asked you out. I took that moment out of my life. I've been pretty normal this past year, just single... Though had a couple one night stands."
Ret con the moment that changes the events leading up to the present, and you then have a new beginning. This beginning may or may not be accepted by the other party, but if you can truly do it, truly work it out of your mind without animosity or paying attention to memories, you can make an unhealthy living by merely ret conning the bad shit.
So... That being said. I am going to be ret conning my meeting with the puppet. Why? Because she is spending time in my home, and that is a pain in the ass with the current arrangement she and I have (which is to say she hates me, and my intelligence is offended by her stupidity). So I shall retcon it, and this time around, limit my exposure. After all, if she's Brig's and Dani's friend, instead of my friend who I introduced to them, than I have a reason to limit exposure.
Yes, it seems confusing, over-convoluted, and like it would never work. But to be fair, I'm not precisely the most sane person in the world, and more so, I forget what I had for breakfast by the time lunch comes around. That being said, I think I could simply let myself forget why she is such an irritant. This of course comes from knowing that I never read my own journal except to check comments.
Of course, even then, I am sure it is a viable option because I want it to be a viable option, and in the words of dani, I deny your reality and replace it with one of my choosing. Therefore, this reality totally has me not knowing the puppet and not realizing how much of a pain in the ass she can be.
Might make for an amusing month, give or take.
On another note, my current medication for depression is not working. I will have to call to make an appointment to fix that. I need to correct my issues, an if the prozzac isn't working anymore, was it -ever- working? I mean, maybe it was simply chandra that made my life worth while while she was here, and now that she is gone, it complicates everything and... well, yeah.
That is all for now. Night, and cheers.
Chris.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Two Faced Promises
This entry was meant for the second of november, so forgive the truancy, since I didn’t have internet until now (whenever now is).
Two faced people abound in this world, and sometimes it is simple courtesy, politeness that drives them to turn the other cheek, to simply say nothing if they have nothing nice to say. Some people are open manipulators, that merely say nothing because they feel they can benefit from the silence.
I don’t appreciate the latter kind of those people. To speak of someone behind their back is one thing, but to refuse to admit your feelings to their face? That is a whole new ball game that I just find distasteful.
To confront someone and tell them what you think of them, after many conversations with other people to see that the feeling is not alone in my mind, and to have that opinion open and out there on my end… And then to have all of those people refute any knowledge because of a hot body…? What is the point?
It is this behavior which drives me mad, drives me to the edge of reasoning, not wanting to be near these people. To hear words of one, “I don’t want to touch her… ew” and then watch her openly maul her, biting, fondling her, playing with her. To have someone say, “I don’t want to be with her like that.” And then know they are in bed together for the night when she has her own bed in the home? Where the fuck is the honesty? Where the hell is the integrity??
I am honest on a consistent basis. I am open on my opinion of others, I am straight forward about it. If you ask, and sometimes even if you don’t ask, I will tell you what I think of you. I will tell you I think you are ignorant, I will tell you I think you are shallow, naïve, gullible, stupid, childish, deceitful, and a bad person for the choices you make in life. I will do this because I don’t believe in deceiving someone when there is an obvious way to simply offer them an out.
Other people apparently don’t agree with this simple and rather honest approach. In my living room now as I write this, in my home as I write this, with my two roommates in the next room… Yes, two roommates. As of yesterday, I live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere with two people I met from the community in the past four months.
They are good people, though the current situation lends itself to simple stress and bull shit. Which is to say, right now, in the living room, they are with the puppet. The puppet which, last I checked… I insulted, told she was worthless, naïve, and… well, just look above, all of that shit above? I said that and a lil more. She stalked from my home in an outrage, and despite this, was back later on that night. Even spent the night, what the fuck?
And she didn’t do this because I invited her back, no, I’d never be so foolish as to invite someone back into my home after telling her how useless and worthless she is, and that the sooner she realizes that she is a worthless hypocrite, the sooner she might actually have some worth. No, one of my new roommates took her back to my place. Even called me from the car, saying, “I’m on my way back with the retard.”
Why? To what end? To get laid? She is attractive, and that is undeniable, but she has nothing between her ears. She has no real personal skills, and she has no morals when it comes to the love of others, at least none that make any sense but to the most deranged. Not to mention she may or may not have an STD. This is speculation with basis in fact, though one that can’t be proven until she either 1) gets tested, or 2) one of my new roommates suddenly comes out with an outbreak of warts.
I’m frustrated, yes. I’m in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I have no car, no transportation, no hobby, no internet. What the –fuck- can one do out in the country with no neighbors, town, or activity? Well, the simple answer is, I suppose I write. Like I am right now, against the eventuality of getting my internet back.
It isn’t my place to say what I should or should not accept. I am an open person. I do not judge on the actions or desires of other people. I do not judge that a friend has a sexual interest in dogs… I do not judge that another prefers children (though has never acted on it). I do not judge a friend with a desire to literally crucify someone for the pleasure of the pain it would cause. I don’t judge those who want nothing to do with me because of my poor attitude and superiority complex. I have no reason to judge anyone.
Admittedly, I do judge people on their nature, merely not their actions. I’ve rarely been wrong about a person in over a decade of snap judgments and hypothesis. I see a person, I learn who they are within a short period of time, and I know whether I will like them or not, how much I can tolerate them, and usually the level of deceit to which they will give over to accomplishing before the end of it is reached. I don’t brag about this, but I do openly admit that I can do it, it is merely there like athletic ability in others.
They are having breakfast now, and my mood, turning dark from the previous night’s happenings, I find myself without an appetite, though I’ve not eaten since yesterday afternoon, and I was hungry when I went to bed. I have no interest in any of it, any of them. Not today at least. With some luck circumstance will change and this will improve itself.
On to the technicalities; I’ve moved. The house hunt went very poorly and we had to come to a fall back point. A house run by a couple of kinksters in the area. It is a fair distance from barrie (about a 70 minute drive or more), and though the living area and one of the bedrooms is a decent size, my room is 89” by 105”. I did the measurements last night. The bathroom is actually slightly bigger than this room is.
And in the room is my bed, my desk, my computer, my air conditioner, and my clothes. My clothes are in a suitcase, which will have to be the norm, because quite honestly, I can’t AFFORD to use space for clothing anywhere else. I find this situation hopeless on a few levels. But this is not to speculate on right now, there will be time for that in the future.
I miss my heart. Chandra says she wants to try and come back to Canada around the end of the year, instead of in the spring. This is something I can whole heartedly approve. Yet even as I approve of it, which I certainly do, the issue of room within this room, this apartment, raises a couple concerns. She has much more clothing than I have, much more belongings, and I have no closet, no dresser, nothing.
We are thinking of installing shelves along the walls. That may help immensely in making this place a little more livable, and if such is done, with some containers on said shelves, or even drawers, I am sure there would be ample room for my slave’s belongings when she comes.
I’ve little else to speak of right now, but that is the idea of what is happening. I will have this posted as soon as a connection is available, which would be, to you… well, now. But to me, that is still in the future. You may expect a couple posts at once if such is the case.
Cheers,
Chris
Two faced people abound in this world, and sometimes it is simple courtesy, politeness that drives them to turn the other cheek, to simply say nothing if they have nothing nice to say. Some people are open manipulators, that merely say nothing because they feel they can benefit from the silence.
I don’t appreciate the latter kind of those people. To speak of someone behind their back is one thing, but to refuse to admit your feelings to their face? That is a whole new ball game that I just find distasteful.
To confront someone and tell them what you think of them, after many conversations with other people to see that the feeling is not alone in my mind, and to have that opinion open and out there on my end… And then to have all of those people refute any knowledge because of a hot body…? What is the point?
It is this behavior which drives me mad, drives me to the edge of reasoning, not wanting to be near these people. To hear words of one, “I don’t want to touch her… ew” and then watch her openly maul her, biting, fondling her, playing with her. To have someone say, “I don’t want to be with her like that.” And then know they are in bed together for the night when she has her own bed in the home? Where the fuck is the honesty? Where the hell is the integrity??
I am honest on a consistent basis. I am open on my opinion of others, I am straight forward about it. If you ask, and sometimes even if you don’t ask, I will tell you what I think of you. I will tell you I think you are ignorant, I will tell you I think you are shallow, naïve, gullible, stupid, childish, deceitful, and a bad person for the choices you make in life. I will do this because I don’t believe in deceiving someone when there is an obvious way to simply offer them an out.
Other people apparently don’t agree with this simple and rather honest approach. In my living room now as I write this, in my home as I write this, with my two roommates in the next room… Yes, two roommates. As of yesterday, I live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere with two people I met from the community in the past four months.
They are good people, though the current situation lends itself to simple stress and bull shit. Which is to say, right now, in the living room, they are with the puppet. The puppet which, last I checked… I insulted, told she was worthless, naïve, and… well, just look above, all of that shit above? I said that and a lil more. She stalked from my home in an outrage, and despite this, was back later on that night. Even spent the night, what the fuck?
And she didn’t do this because I invited her back, no, I’d never be so foolish as to invite someone back into my home after telling her how useless and worthless she is, and that the sooner she realizes that she is a worthless hypocrite, the sooner she might actually have some worth. No, one of my new roommates took her back to my place. Even called me from the car, saying, “I’m on my way back with the retard.”
Why? To what end? To get laid? She is attractive, and that is undeniable, but she has nothing between her ears. She has no real personal skills, and she has no morals when it comes to the love of others, at least none that make any sense but to the most deranged. Not to mention she may or may not have an STD. This is speculation with basis in fact, though one that can’t be proven until she either 1) gets tested, or 2) one of my new roommates suddenly comes out with an outbreak of warts.
I’m frustrated, yes. I’m in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. I have no car, no transportation, no hobby, no internet. What the –fuck- can one do out in the country with no neighbors, town, or activity? Well, the simple answer is, I suppose I write. Like I am right now, against the eventuality of getting my internet back.
It isn’t my place to say what I should or should not accept. I am an open person. I do not judge on the actions or desires of other people. I do not judge that a friend has a sexual interest in dogs… I do not judge that another prefers children (though has never acted on it). I do not judge a friend with a desire to literally crucify someone for the pleasure of the pain it would cause. I don’t judge those who want nothing to do with me because of my poor attitude and superiority complex. I have no reason to judge anyone.
Admittedly, I do judge people on their nature, merely not their actions. I’ve rarely been wrong about a person in over a decade of snap judgments and hypothesis. I see a person, I learn who they are within a short period of time, and I know whether I will like them or not, how much I can tolerate them, and usually the level of deceit to which they will give over to accomplishing before the end of it is reached. I don’t brag about this, but I do openly admit that I can do it, it is merely there like athletic ability in others.
They are having breakfast now, and my mood, turning dark from the previous night’s happenings, I find myself without an appetite, though I’ve not eaten since yesterday afternoon, and I was hungry when I went to bed. I have no interest in any of it, any of them. Not today at least. With some luck circumstance will change and this will improve itself.
On to the technicalities; I’ve moved. The house hunt went very poorly and we had to come to a fall back point. A house run by a couple of kinksters in the area. It is a fair distance from barrie (about a 70 minute drive or more), and though the living area and one of the bedrooms is a decent size, my room is 89” by 105”. I did the measurements last night. The bathroom is actually slightly bigger than this room is.
And in the room is my bed, my desk, my computer, my air conditioner, and my clothes. My clothes are in a suitcase, which will have to be the norm, because quite honestly, I can’t AFFORD to use space for clothing anywhere else. I find this situation hopeless on a few levels. But this is not to speculate on right now, there will be time for that in the future.
I miss my heart. Chandra says she wants to try and come back to Canada around the end of the year, instead of in the spring. This is something I can whole heartedly approve. Yet even as I approve of it, which I certainly do, the issue of room within this room, this apartment, raises a couple concerns. She has much more clothing than I have, much more belongings, and I have no closet, no dresser, nothing.
We are thinking of installing shelves along the walls. That may help immensely in making this place a little more livable, and if such is done, with some containers on said shelves, or even drawers, I am sure there would be ample room for my slave’s belongings when she comes.
I’ve little else to speak of right now, but that is the idea of what is happening. I will have this posted as soon as a connection is available, which would be, to you… well, now. But to me, that is still in the future. You may expect a couple posts at once if such is the case.
Cheers,
Chris
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