We sit in the same home, not avoiding each other, per se... But she seems to want to pretend the last two and a half months never happened.
I can't say as I blame her.
I don't know what to really do with it myself, I have what will likely end up being a permanent reminder of this, her, us.
It's never occurred to me until this morning (which is to say, shortly after noon), that I never actually started cutting until Mecca, and even then, it was only twice. Once after a brutal argument which I left one small cut on my arm, and once when I found out she had cheated on me, which harbored one slash on my forearm.
These are not things I was ever prone to do, the argument cut was nothing. Small, shallow, pointless. The gash in my arm was from the pain of betrayal, not so much who had done it. I hate being lied to, being betrayed, and that action alone, caused it, the shut down, and the action desired to make sure I still felt.
With Sarah... It's been different. I've never gone so far as to scar a word into my skin. I know I have done just that... It was that knowledge, that thought, that knowing, which stayed my hand from carving "Sarah" into it.
I wish I could say I almost didn't.... The "H" for hurt started out as two lines which just needed the \ to make it an S.
Thought and process. She wants to pretend it never happened, act like all of it was a dream, a hallucination. Maybe I'm wrong, but her behavior says otherwise.
I slap my arm now and again, just to brandish that pain and clear my mind of the pain in my gut when she tells me she may very well move into a home with three men who all want her.
I close my eyes and breathe slowly, in and out, speaking the mantra of, "cool and calm, cool and calm" that once upon a time actually worked to keep myself detached, relaxed, and out of the way of the stress which ate at me from the inside.
I have no appetite, I have no desire to eat, despite the smell coming from the bowl she brought me. I have no doubts in my mind -why- I have this simple lack of desire for food, after all, all things considered, all I've been thinking is, "How much does it cost to rent a helium tank?" and "Sarah said she'd be out of the house a lot. She'd never know."
I can't let thoughts like this stay. I can't let them consume me, no matter how much it seems like it is a good idea. No matter how much those thoughts creep around in the back of my mind.
I can almost feel the ulser starting in the pit of my stomach, though with the effects of the oxycodone, I can't say for certain if it's real, or just hunger pains that are coming in a different form. I'll know if I cough up blood, or if my constipation passes and my excrement comes out crimson.
She said she'd clean the house today, and yet the kitchen was poked, and aside from that, little, if anything, has been done. I think I'll finish my episode of terminator, and do the front hallway. It needs to be done, get done.
So much needs to be done. The pain will fade. It always does.
All I can do, is hope the emo attitude I currently harbour fades with it.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Hurt
I suppose as far as stupid things go, carving "Hurt" into my arm isn't the worst of them.
It even makes a picture to put as a wallpaper.
I can't tell if I'm truly broken up and hurt, or just faking it.... The tears seem real enough, and I can't help but think, "if you lie enough, tell yourself something is true, so many times... It will become so."
So here I sit... dripping blood slowly down my arm, upper and forearm, and all I can think is, I somehow fucked this up. Perhaps by telling myself, secretly, that it was nothing, perhaps by letting myself open up.
I don't know when it happened completely, when it came to pass, but it did... She comments in her own journal that I didn't, don't, love her as much as I love(d) Darcy... Two days ago, even twenty-four hours ago, I would have agreed.
Sitting here, writing this.... I can't remember the last time I've felt this kind of twisting in my gut at losing something. After such a short period of time, after so little together, after everything seeming to fall apart every step of the way, I lost something that I didn't even know I wanted this badly until it was gone.
I spent the entire afternoon listening to Johnny Cash - Hurt.... A song which strikes me in the heart itself.... And crying. I always thought crying a weakness, crying something that should be hidden, never exposed, and to many extents, I still do, despite my learnings, my lifestyle. A Gorean Man cries in joy and sadness... At the loss of a great friend to battle or a great love to death, at the rejoining of two blood brothers long parted. A Gorean Man is not afraid of tears, but, in his strength, embraces them.
I may post the picture I took later.... It almost looks photograph worthy.
In the meantime, there is not much else to do, but do what I've always done to push away these gnawing feelings that make me scream for death.... I even locked the bathroom door before taking my shower where I did cut myself, just in case I decided to be an idiot.
And no, this isn't a cry for help, simple fact. I'm not going to do it, or at least, I don't think I am. With that said, I leave this...
Blood pools at my feet, droplets falling, cascading
the splash dulled by the roar in my ears
the water sears and burns away my tears
I can't think as my own hand shakes
The flesh splits around the silver shard
Flesh lips pucker and spit, crimson coming hard
I don't know when I started or where it will end
I can't think of the future and the past is a haze
I now sink into my present as my past I now raze
Take down and destroy it, ripped asunder once again
Love and passion torn apart, like the flesh that drips once more
These memories I'll ration, as I move towards an unknown door
Why do I still breathe, why can't I end it
When all I want is silent, quiet, merciless death
I end up with another continued, agonizing breath
I want to feel I want to be numb, I want to be dead inside
These rushing feelings, this waking nightmare
I want them to end and explode, contradiction unfair
Love unknown until the bullet left the barrel
Passion never found and now crushed beneath the heel
I know inside now, that I should never truly feel
The blood pools down at my feet, droplets falling, cascading
The crimson puddle I stand in, my life and love ending
The last thoughts on my mind, the love I died defending
Original,
Christopher Alexander MacLeod
Perhaps not my best work, but at least it's better than nothing.
Goodbye,
Christopher.
It even makes a picture to put as a wallpaper.
I can't tell if I'm truly broken up and hurt, or just faking it.... The tears seem real enough, and I can't help but think, "if you lie enough, tell yourself something is true, so many times... It will become so."
So here I sit... dripping blood slowly down my arm, upper and forearm, and all I can think is, I somehow fucked this up. Perhaps by telling myself, secretly, that it was nothing, perhaps by letting myself open up.
I don't know when it happened completely, when it came to pass, but it did... She comments in her own journal that I didn't, don't, love her as much as I love(d) Darcy... Two days ago, even twenty-four hours ago, I would have agreed.
Sitting here, writing this.... I can't remember the last time I've felt this kind of twisting in my gut at losing something. After such a short period of time, after so little together, after everything seeming to fall apart every step of the way, I lost something that I didn't even know I wanted this badly until it was gone.
I spent the entire afternoon listening to Johnny Cash - Hurt.... A song which strikes me in the heart itself.... And crying. I always thought crying a weakness, crying something that should be hidden, never exposed, and to many extents, I still do, despite my learnings, my lifestyle. A Gorean Man cries in joy and sadness... At the loss of a great friend to battle or a great love to death, at the rejoining of two blood brothers long parted. A Gorean Man is not afraid of tears, but, in his strength, embraces them.
I may post the picture I took later.... It almost looks photograph worthy.
In the meantime, there is not much else to do, but do what I've always done to push away these gnawing feelings that make me scream for death.... I even locked the bathroom door before taking my shower where I did cut myself, just in case I decided to be an idiot.
And no, this isn't a cry for help, simple fact. I'm not going to do it, or at least, I don't think I am. With that said, I leave this...
Blood pools at my feet, droplets falling, cascading
the splash dulled by the roar in my ears
the water sears and burns away my tears
I can't think as my own hand shakes
The flesh splits around the silver shard
Flesh lips pucker and spit, crimson coming hard
I don't know when I started or where it will end
I can't think of the future and the past is a haze
I now sink into my present as my past I now raze
Take down and destroy it, ripped asunder once again
Love and passion torn apart, like the flesh that drips once more
These memories I'll ration, as I move towards an unknown door
Why do I still breathe, why can't I end it
When all I want is silent, quiet, merciless death
I end up with another continued, agonizing breath
I want to feel I want to be numb, I want to be dead inside
These rushing feelings, this waking nightmare
I want them to end and explode, contradiction unfair
Love unknown until the bullet left the barrel
Passion never found and now crushed beneath the heel
I know inside now, that I should never truly feel
The blood pools down at my feet, droplets falling, cascading
The crimson puddle I stand in, my life and love ending
The last thoughts on my mind, the love I died defending
Original,
Christopher Alexander MacLeod
Perhaps not my best work, but at least it's better than nothing.
Goodbye,
Christopher.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
78 days
I suppose one can't complain when their shortest relationship was a grand total of negative seven days.
I'm not sure how it happened, or what happened, however, Sarah and I broke up last night. Or more accurately, she finally decided her doubts and uncertainties far outweighed her hopes and passion for the relationship, and it came to a head.
I wish I could say I was blameless for once, that I didn't have a hand in this particular action... However I, in a way, did.
Not that I pushed her away as I did Mecca, or Caroline, or forced her to break up with me, as I did with Erika and Shannon... No, I gave her advice that I had been avoiding giving, avoiding speaking, every time she asked me, "what would you do in my situation?"
I always answered with, "I don't know." Or, "I wouldn't be in your situation, sorry..." Which were fine evasions, if not the truth. Last night/this morning, I finally told her the truth of it, that if I were in her situation, with such misery weighing down on me, I would want to go where I saw a chance of happiness, where I saw more hope than sadness. That were I in her shoes, I'd weigh the doubts and concerns, I'd weigh the uncertainties, the sadness, the misery, the stress, and if all of the negative came out to a fair majority of where the relationship was going... That would be it... I wouldn't lead it on, I wouldn't be obligated to be with a person for concern of their well being even if I loved them, if it meant leading it on and lying about why I was with them in the first place.
This came to a tentative finish, which still didn't decide a break up... Until she started talking about everything, all of it, us, our friendship (which, as I did with Shalane Armstrong, I ended when I couldn't be with her otherwise), our relationship, in the past tense.
She said it may have been how tired she was, that her grammar wasn't proper.... Sadly it kind of came out that it was on purpose, that she did, sadly, miserably, want it to come to an end because she saw no future for us together.
--------------------------------
I wish I could say I didn't see it coming, that I didn't predict it a hundred times over, that a small voice in my head was a constant inner dialogue asking me why I let it continue when I knew it wouldn't last long... However, if I said any of the above, I'd be lying.
I did what I rarely do, I looked to the optimistic side and dove in headfirst from a hundred feet up into the shallow end of the pool. It took me seventy-eight days to hit the water.
It does hurt, and burns inside. It makes me want to draw a blade across flesh to double check that I'm alive, that I didn't turn into a zombie in those moments of realization that it was happening.
Sarah was disappointed that I didn't react more, didn't cry, didn't burst out on the unfairness of it all, that I didn't want it to end, that I needed her, wanted her... It'd not have changed anything if I had of done any of the above. To be honest, had it not been building up since 6:00am in the morning, had it not come to a head completely more than three hours later... I very well may have had more of a reaction; but minute by minute my system was shutting down, numbing up, dying inside. Was dropping off bit by bit into a defensive mode which would stop the hurt, the agony, from striking right away.
By the time the bomb hit ground, by the moment the explosion was finally unleashed, to her shock, and my expectant defenses, I was surrounded by a veritable fort knox.
------------------------------------
I'm going to miss her, as a lover, as a friend, as a fellow gamer in WoW. I'm going to miss the late nights talking, the back rubs, the joking around, the odd movie watched together when we found a common interest. I'm going to miss reading her writing over her shoulder and telling her how good it is (when she did write at least), I'm going to miss her art work, her presence, and over all, just her.
I wish I worked differently at times like these, except I know, that if I stayed friends with her, something would happen, and I'd break the friendship. I'd kiss her, tell her I wanted her back, try and make a move on her. It'd be hapless, pointless, and all the more ruining if alcohol were involved and something -did- happen.
So it is simpler to preempt such a fiasco, and not give it chance to occur. She's journaling even as I am. She's writing her perspective even as I have. She's been crying off and on for the past six hours now, and I've been so withdrawn, I feel detached enough to wonder why am I such a monster emotionally?
Alas, it is my nature.
In these words, in these notes, all I can say, is that I did love her, surprisingly... And will miss what we had.
C'est la vie,
Christopher.
I'm not sure how it happened, or what happened, however, Sarah and I broke up last night. Or more accurately, she finally decided her doubts and uncertainties far outweighed her hopes and passion for the relationship, and it came to a head.
I wish I could say I was blameless for once, that I didn't have a hand in this particular action... However I, in a way, did.
Not that I pushed her away as I did Mecca, or Caroline, or forced her to break up with me, as I did with Erika and Shannon... No, I gave her advice that I had been avoiding giving, avoiding speaking, every time she asked me, "what would you do in my situation?"
I always answered with, "I don't know." Or, "I wouldn't be in your situation, sorry..." Which were fine evasions, if not the truth. Last night/this morning, I finally told her the truth of it, that if I were in her situation, with such misery weighing down on me, I would want to go where I saw a chance of happiness, where I saw more hope than sadness. That were I in her shoes, I'd weigh the doubts and concerns, I'd weigh the uncertainties, the sadness, the misery, the stress, and if all of the negative came out to a fair majority of where the relationship was going... That would be it... I wouldn't lead it on, I wouldn't be obligated to be with a person for concern of their well being even if I loved them, if it meant leading it on and lying about why I was with them in the first place.
This came to a tentative finish, which still didn't decide a break up... Until she started talking about everything, all of it, us, our friendship (which, as I did with Shalane Armstrong, I ended when I couldn't be with her otherwise), our relationship, in the past tense.
She said it may have been how tired she was, that her grammar wasn't proper.... Sadly it kind of came out that it was on purpose, that she did, sadly, miserably, want it to come to an end because she saw no future for us together.
--------------------------------
I wish I could say I didn't see it coming, that I didn't predict it a hundred times over, that a small voice in my head was a constant inner dialogue asking me why I let it continue when I knew it wouldn't last long... However, if I said any of the above, I'd be lying.
I did what I rarely do, I looked to the optimistic side and dove in headfirst from a hundred feet up into the shallow end of the pool. It took me seventy-eight days to hit the water.
It does hurt, and burns inside. It makes me want to draw a blade across flesh to double check that I'm alive, that I didn't turn into a zombie in those moments of realization that it was happening.
Sarah was disappointed that I didn't react more, didn't cry, didn't burst out on the unfairness of it all, that I didn't want it to end, that I needed her, wanted her... It'd not have changed anything if I had of done any of the above. To be honest, had it not been building up since 6:00am in the morning, had it not come to a head completely more than three hours later... I very well may have had more of a reaction; but minute by minute my system was shutting down, numbing up, dying inside. Was dropping off bit by bit into a defensive mode which would stop the hurt, the agony, from striking right away.
By the time the bomb hit ground, by the moment the explosion was finally unleashed, to her shock, and my expectant defenses, I was surrounded by a veritable fort knox.
------------------------------------
I'm going to miss her, as a lover, as a friend, as a fellow gamer in WoW. I'm going to miss the late nights talking, the back rubs, the joking around, the odd movie watched together when we found a common interest. I'm going to miss reading her writing over her shoulder and telling her how good it is (when she did write at least), I'm going to miss her art work, her presence, and over all, just her.
I wish I worked differently at times like these, except I know, that if I stayed friends with her, something would happen, and I'd break the friendship. I'd kiss her, tell her I wanted her back, try and make a move on her. It'd be hapless, pointless, and all the more ruining if alcohol were involved and something -did- happen.
So it is simpler to preempt such a fiasco, and not give it chance to occur. She's journaling even as I am. She's writing her perspective even as I have. She's been crying off and on for the past six hours now, and I've been so withdrawn, I feel detached enough to wonder why am I such a monster emotionally?
Alas, it is my nature.
In these words, in these notes, all I can say, is that I did love her, surprisingly... And will miss what we had.
C'est la vie,
Christopher.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Pain and Impotence
About sums up everything for the past few months.
I spent today in bed, aside from two excursions to the kitchen for a cereal bar for sustenance and several agonizing trips to the bathroom, I was literally laid up in bed for the day. Admittedly, some of it was sleep, perhaps even a fair bit (upwards of 14 hours or so), due to the habit one has of falling asleep when laying in bed while in agony, where every shift is like someone running a rusted, pitted dagger up and down your spine in repetitive fashion, while a second, equally pitted and degraded knife was thrust into your shoulderblade, and then twisted in over exaggerated, entirely unnecessary action.
It's never been this bad. Even sitting here typing, is like looking through a haze of near passing out due to the pain.... The pills rarely help at all, it seems, even when I do take them as prescribed, which for the records, is an excessive dose indeed.
This likely carries over from yesterday, when the pain was not quite as bad, but certainly hinted at worse to come.
Sarah tries to draw a line between my legitimate pain, and me simply being lazy. I can't fault her for it, my procrastinating habits are known well to me. I just wish I could offer her a more steady line as opposed to one where I stay in bed for an entire day, not out of choice, but literally because to get up, to move, to even do anything, sends a stab of pain through my very being.
I'd like to tell her that yes, I'm in bed because I want to sleep, I want to sleep because I'm tired. I'll be up later for the whole night because I don't want to do anything right this instance, now let me be lazy.... Sadly, if I did, it would be a bold faced lie.
Of course, this is only a "me" problems. Home Agent is taking it's sweet fucking time, which causes me to go into work (not that I have been able to as of late), which causes further pain, which in turn causes further issues.
I need to find out what is happening, and what is going to be done about it. If I don't get Home Agent by mid June, I'll have to go back to full time, or find a new job that doesn't require transportation (HA!!)
------------------------------
The time Sarah and I spend together is in WoW. We have several toons all leveled up to Outlands, which is level 58, and this seems to be time we are now spending together with less arguing. From myself because I've mostly stopped commenting on things I feel she is doing that requires more work, and from her because she's start to simply follow blithely along without questioning much of my motive.
Yet aside from this time in WoW, it seems at times she doesn't want me around. She tells me it's because she doesn't want me to hurt myself when she goes out, that she doesn't want me in pain... She doesn't want to play Tennis with me, because she says I'll not be able to (I used to be rather good at it), she doesn't want me with her on her walks (though it'd likely be therapeutic over all), and in it all, I can't help but take notice she's out with Andrew, her "light" when she does anything outside of the house.
It's likely as simple as me over thinking things, and that it is, 100%, her concern for my well being and the pain I've been in. Yet when I go days at a time without much issue, when I show little pain or agony, when I don't even take many pills to help fight it, she still insists on going out on her own and not with me.
The only example coming immediately to mind, was the recent upgrade I did to my internet in anticipation of Home Agent. She was going to go and pick up the new Modem while I was at work, and have it here by the time I was home. She hadn't left when I was sent home early due to having no system. I suggested we bus up together. When she immediately said no to bussing, I even offered to simply walk with her, which she again said no to, because the "Weather was too bad." It was cool out, perhaps 8 degrees... She's gone out in colder to hang out with friends... But wouldn't do it to go out with me.
I ended up bussing up alone, picked up a new keyboard and mouse (some much needed replacements for the poor things I had), got the new modem, and returned.
Again, it may simply be my usual paranoia that she doesn't want me around outside the house, and it could very well be merely her concern for my well being.
----------------------------------------
Sadly, she's depressed as of late. I cannot blame her, or fault her for her misery. She's lost her daughter, and may never see her again. A victim of poor circumstance... She would have more chance back home in the states, and yet she is stuck here, stranded, because he has all of her identification, passport, documents, etc.
She's not happy, she's miserable. It seems the only thing she clings to, is that I'm in pain right now, and she feels the need to look after me. I look after myself fine....
I have told her many times, if she isn't happy with me, then maybe we shouldn't be together. Maybe it would be better off elsewhere.
We're never together anymore, even if we are, it's purely one-sided, a pointless endeavor that even I am beginning to find tiring.
These are things that perhaps, should be common in a relationship sometimes. Sometimes, not all the time, and rarely this early into the relationship. Two months and change, is all that we have behind us, and already we're this.
I can't lie that it would hurt me were she to leave me, yet I can't help but wonder if her staying with me, at times, is merely to humor me. Or to ride out until Andrew gets his own place. She sees him as a source of idealistic inspiration, a shining light that always looks up. I see him as a boy crushing on the only girl to give him attention.
Not that it matters in the end. In the end, everything will happen as it was meant to happen, "The wheel weaves as the wheel wills."... I suspect the future already... My own inner turmoil, doubts, and pessimism sneaking through to tell me there is no point.
I can't cheer her up, I can't make her happy. I can barely keep myself moving through the pain. I'm cold, indifferent to so much, and no matter how I feel for her, I can't make her feel any more than I can make myself feel more.
I want her happy, even if it drops me back to the dead wasteland that was my life previous. I just hope if she finds what makes her happy, what lifts her up in the absense of her daughter, that she'll be honest with me, and put it out there instead of waiting until the time is convenient for her.
I can also of course, still hope on some level, that perhaps she'll find that I am what makes her happy... Yet my pessimism has it's doubts.
Good Night,
The Zodiak.
I spent today in bed, aside from two excursions to the kitchen for a cereal bar for sustenance and several agonizing trips to the bathroom, I was literally laid up in bed for the day. Admittedly, some of it was sleep, perhaps even a fair bit (upwards of 14 hours or so), due to the habit one has of falling asleep when laying in bed while in agony, where every shift is like someone running a rusted, pitted dagger up and down your spine in repetitive fashion, while a second, equally pitted and degraded knife was thrust into your shoulderblade, and then twisted in over exaggerated, entirely unnecessary action.
It's never been this bad. Even sitting here typing, is like looking through a haze of near passing out due to the pain.... The pills rarely help at all, it seems, even when I do take them as prescribed, which for the records, is an excessive dose indeed.
This likely carries over from yesterday, when the pain was not quite as bad, but certainly hinted at worse to come.
Sarah tries to draw a line between my legitimate pain, and me simply being lazy. I can't fault her for it, my procrastinating habits are known well to me. I just wish I could offer her a more steady line as opposed to one where I stay in bed for an entire day, not out of choice, but literally because to get up, to move, to even do anything, sends a stab of pain through my very being.
I'd like to tell her that yes, I'm in bed because I want to sleep, I want to sleep because I'm tired. I'll be up later for the whole night because I don't want to do anything right this instance, now let me be lazy.... Sadly, if I did, it would be a bold faced lie.
Of course, this is only a "me" problems. Home Agent is taking it's sweet fucking time, which causes me to go into work (not that I have been able to as of late), which causes further pain, which in turn causes further issues.
I need to find out what is happening, and what is going to be done about it. If I don't get Home Agent by mid June, I'll have to go back to full time, or find a new job that doesn't require transportation (HA!!)
------------------------------
The time Sarah and I spend together is in WoW. We have several toons all leveled up to Outlands, which is level 58, and this seems to be time we are now spending together with less arguing. From myself because I've mostly stopped commenting on things I feel she is doing that requires more work, and from her because she's start to simply follow blithely along without questioning much of my motive.
Yet aside from this time in WoW, it seems at times she doesn't want me around. She tells me it's because she doesn't want me to hurt myself when she goes out, that she doesn't want me in pain... She doesn't want to play Tennis with me, because she says I'll not be able to (I used to be rather good at it), she doesn't want me with her on her walks (though it'd likely be therapeutic over all), and in it all, I can't help but take notice she's out with Andrew, her "light" when she does anything outside of the house.
It's likely as simple as me over thinking things, and that it is, 100%, her concern for my well being and the pain I've been in. Yet when I go days at a time without much issue, when I show little pain or agony, when I don't even take many pills to help fight it, she still insists on going out on her own and not with me.
The only example coming immediately to mind, was the recent upgrade I did to my internet in anticipation of Home Agent. She was going to go and pick up the new Modem while I was at work, and have it here by the time I was home. She hadn't left when I was sent home early due to having no system. I suggested we bus up together. When she immediately said no to bussing, I even offered to simply walk with her, which she again said no to, because the "Weather was too bad." It was cool out, perhaps 8 degrees... She's gone out in colder to hang out with friends... But wouldn't do it to go out with me.
I ended up bussing up alone, picked up a new keyboard and mouse (some much needed replacements for the poor things I had), got the new modem, and returned.
Again, it may simply be my usual paranoia that she doesn't want me around outside the house, and it could very well be merely her concern for my well being.
----------------------------------------
Sadly, she's depressed as of late. I cannot blame her, or fault her for her misery. She's lost her daughter, and may never see her again. A victim of poor circumstance... She would have more chance back home in the states, and yet she is stuck here, stranded, because he has all of her identification, passport, documents, etc.
She's not happy, she's miserable. It seems the only thing she clings to, is that I'm in pain right now, and she feels the need to look after me. I look after myself fine....
I have told her many times, if she isn't happy with me, then maybe we shouldn't be together. Maybe it would be better off elsewhere.
We're never together anymore, even if we are, it's purely one-sided, a pointless endeavor that even I am beginning to find tiring.
These are things that perhaps, should be common in a relationship sometimes. Sometimes, not all the time, and rarely this early into the relationship. Two months and change, is all that we have behind us, and already we're this.
I can't lie that it would hurt me were she to leave me, yet I can't help but wonder if her staying with me, at times, is merely to humor me. Or to ride out until Andrew gets his own place. She sees him as a source of idealistic inspiration, a shining light that always looks up. I see him as a boy crushing on the only girl to give him attention.
Not that it matters in the end. In the end, everything will happen as it was meant to happen, "The wheel weaves as the wheel wills."... I suspect the future already... My own inner turmoil, doubts, and pessimism sneaking through to tell me there is no point.
I can't cheer her up, I can't make her happy. I can barely keep myself moving through the pain. I'm cold, indifferent to so much, and no matter how I feel for her, I can't make her feel any more than I can make myself feel more.
I want her happy, even if it drops me back to the dead wasteland that was my life previous. I just hope if she finds what makes her happy, what lifts her up in the absense of her daughter, that she'll be honest with me, and put it out there instead of waiting until the time is convenient for her.
I can also of course, still hope on some level, that perhaps she'll find that I am what makes her happy... Yet my pessimism has it's doubts.
Good Night,
The Zodiak.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
One Hundred
This is the 100th post I've written in my journal. Fitting that it will encompass things of at least moderate meaning.
Sarah and I have a lot in common. We always have. It's just a matter of what we do together, and what we don't.
Lately, it has been very little that we do together. Part of the reasoning behind this, is the pain I've been going through, back and shoulder in agony more often than not. Part of it has to do with little -to- do. We don't play video games together anymore because there are few two player games that either of us own, and of the few we do have, one or the other of us isn't particularly interested in it.
We don't play WoW together very often anymore, because unless we are getting babysat through an instance, we tend to argue about execution of how the game is played. We both have very different play styles, her's carefree and for the hell of it, mine focused and driven with a goal.
I've been watching T.V. more often lately, watching Life, House, Heroes. Whatever is available really. I always enjoy T.V.... especially if I can't get a good book, or read during the day (something I find particularly difficult).
So Sarah plays WoW, alone. Dual boxing, or playing solo to catch up her professions. I watch T.V. and don't play with her, because it seems every time we do play, an argument springs up.
She says it's not a relationship like this. That we don't have anything in common because we haven't been doing much together lately. She says she wants to think it's the pain, but that she knows that isn't all of it. Which it isn't, of course. Sometimes it is hard for me to be at my computer, sometimes I have so much on my mind, I don't want to DO anything that requires thought the way WoW does. T.V. fills that role. It's not like I can do it often, a series only has so many episodes before it disappears, I'm caught up, and need to find something else.
She's confused. She's always confused, always has been, on whether or not this is where she wants to be. She wants her Daughter back... She wants to find her passion again. I'm a poor source for passion, but at times I try to inspire her, to help her. I know it does nothing, that it never has, that my encouragement to her writing is merely something that means little more to her than words spoken.
I tell her I'm scared I'll lose her. However sometimes, when I see the way she looks at me, the way she avoids me at times, that I already have, and that it is merely waiting to come to a head in order to actually end... I hope that in this, at least, I'm mistaken. I can only move forward and see how things unfold.
I want to play WoW with her, however I don't like the arguments. Her simply saying she's going to "give in and do it my way" doesn't help me a lot in understanding, in acceptance, because after all... If you can't beat them, join them, often leaves one miserable.
I want her to have that care free play style. However I can't play the game like that, not this game anyways. It's a game that has a goal. Raids at the end of it that require you to BE at the end of it, everything in between is filler. Filler that has been repeated time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and... you get the idea?... again.
It's maddening to do the same quests, the same zones, the same stuff over again. To the point that you want to be DONE the quests. FINISHED the filler. You don't want to be care free in it, you don't want to do it all over again, for several different characters, repetitively at a slow pace, you want to be driven. To get to something new, something different, something that requires more thought than simply, "1, 2, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, next."
I suppose we'll see how it works out, I'm sure I'll play with her more after the raid tonight, or try to, assuming I don't go to bed shortly thereafter. I've been so tired lately, perpetually tired... Exhausted to the point of never wanting to get out of bed. I can't control it, and I wish I could. Despite the endless exhaustion though, insomnia affects me as well, happening in random spurts, like last night.
It's been so long since I've entered such a deadened state, like I didn't care about anything, when death became so prevalent in my mind, the one thing that came consistently was to ask, "If I locked the bathroom door, do you know how to pick it?"
I wouldn't, of course. I'm stronger than that. Or at least, I'd like to think I am. I also like to think that Sarah and I will be together for some time to come. And people say I'm not an optimist.
--------------------------------------------
Financial ruin. It's one way to look at two pay checks in a row that measure less than 30 hours. When you look at your finances, your debt, your bills, your rent, and you can only think, "I'm fucked."
I asked my father, I asked Gerry (who can afford Paint Ball, but can't afford to pay back what he owes when I'm desperate), I tried to get in touch with my aunt who has $400 + that was my mother's that was to go to me if I didn't go to college, I tried to apply for a bank loan (a week now, and still no word on that), and I was at a loss.
All of this, rent past due by more than two weeks, work missed consistently due to the pain I can't control. Drugs that barely keep it in line.
I'm finally getting on track for this stuff too. Home Agent is now a "when" thing, no longer an "if" thing. However, if I don't have a home to work out of, it is exceptionally difficult to accept such a position.
Every time I enter into a situation like this, something happens. Last minute, on the point of utter Ruin. Something to pull me back from the brink of it all. It always happens, so last minute you never even see it coming.
Someone, or Something, is watching over me. It is all I could ever really determine, because I don't know how else to apply it to my life.
I believe in Gods, Higher Powers.... Not singular, Plural. I believe there is more out there, and it is things like this, actions like this, which tend to strengthen that kind of belief, which make me truly think, "Someone is looking out for me."
Sarah has, somehow, someway, gleaned access to the funds she said she would procure to pay back her time here.
I have rent now. I have my bills paid now. I can start to remove my debt.
I very rarely accept outside help, until things get desperate to the point that I am seeking out family I've avoided for more than two years, and then this happens. Something to aid, to pull me back from that brink. Which is thankful she was able to.
I'm not all the way back, not yet. However it can get there... Close.
-------------------------------------------------
On a final note... I'm working part time now. Something I've turned down in the past, refused to do due to the complications, the lack of true finances involved with it, and that part-time hours can't pay rent, or bills, even after a full month of it.
The reasoning behind this, is that part time puts me into work four days a week, later in the day than normal, and does it in such a fashion that I have a day on, and a day off, consistently. It also works as some minor saving grace until I can get Home Agent and be full time under my own terms, in my own home.
To the question of a relationship... Married people spend entire days away from each other in the same Home... Loving each other all the more as they lay in bed after the day ebbs... To be apart and do our own thing stops us from stifling each other, even if what we do is so close to the other.
To my world as it stands... I love her, and no amount of T.V., arguments, or time apart, will change that.
Peace out,
The Zodiak.
Sarah and I have a lot in common. We always have. It's just a matter of what we do together, and what we don't.
Lately, it has been very little that we do together. Part of the reasoning behind this, is the pain I've been going through, back and shoulder in agony more often than not. Part of it has to do with little -to- do. We don't play video games together anymore because there are few two player games that either of us own, and of the few we do have, one or the other of us isn't particularly interested in it.
We don't play WoW together very often anymore, because unless we are getting babysat through an instance, we tend to argue about execution of how the game is played. We both have very different play styles, her's carefree and for the hell of it, mine focused and driven with a goal.
I've been watching T.V. more often lately, watching Life, House, Heroes. Whatever is available really. I always enjoy T.V.... especially if I can't get a good book, or read during the day (something I find particularly difficult).
So Sarah plays WoW, alone. Dual boxing, or playing solo to catch up her professions. I watch T.V. and don't play with her, because it seems every time we do play, an argument springs up.
She says it's not a relationship like this. That we don't have anything in common because we haven't been doing much together lately. She says she wants to think it's the pain, but that she knows that isn't all of it. Which it isn't, of course. Sometimes it is hard for me to be at my computer, sometimes I have so much on my mind, I don't want to DO anything that requires thought the way WoW does. T.V. fills that role. It's not like I can do it often, a series only has so many episodes before it disappears, I'm caught up, and need to find something else.
She's confused. She's always confused, always has been, on whether or not this is where she wants to be. She wants her Daughter back... She wants to find her passion again. I'm a poor source for passion, but at times I try to inspire her, to help her. I know it does nothing, that it never has, that my encouragement to her writing is merely something that means little more to her than words spoken.
I tell her I'm scared I'll lose her. However sometimes, when I see the way she looks at me, the way she avoids me at times, that I already have, and that it is merely waiting to come to a head in order to actually end... I hope that in this, at least, I'm mistaken. I can only move forward and see how things unfold.
I want to play WoW with her, however I don't like the arguments. Her simply saying she's going to "give in and do it my way" doesn't help me a lot in understanding, in acceptance, because after all... If you can't beat them, join them, often leaves one miserable.
I want her to have that care free play style. However I can't play the game like that, not this game anyways. It's a game that has a goal. Raids at the end of it that require you to BE at the end of it, everything in between is filler. Filler that has been repeated time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and... you get the idea?... again.
It's maddening to do the same quests, the same zones, the same stuff over again. To the point that you want to be DONE the quests. FINISHED the filler. You don't want to be care free in it, you don't want to do it all over again, for several different characters, repetitively at a slow pace, you want to be driven. To get to something new, something different, something that requires more thought than simply, "1, 2, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, next."
I suppose we'll see how it works out, I'm sure I'll play with her more after the raid tonight, or try to, assuming I don't go to bed shortly thereafter. I've been so tired lately, perpetually tired... Exhausted to the point of never wanting to get out of bed. I can't control it, and I wish I could. Despite the endless exhaustion though, insomnia affects me as well, happening in random spurts, like last night.
It's been so long since I've entered such a deadened state, like I didn't care about anything, when death became so prevalent in my mind, the one thing that came consistently was to ask, "If I locked the bathroom door, do you know how to pick it?"
I wouldn't, of course. I'm stronger than that. Or at least, I'd like to think I am. I also like to think that Sarah and I will be together for some time to come. And people say I'm not an optimist.
--------------------------------------------
Financial ruin. It's one way to look at two pay checks in a row that measure less than 30 hours. When you look at your finances, your debt, your bills, your rent, and you can only think, "I'm fucked."
I asked my father, I asked Gerry (who can afford Paint Ball, but can't afford to pay back what he owes when I'm desperate), I tried to get in touch with my aunt who has $400 + that was my mother's that was to go to me if I didn't go to college, I tried to apply for a bank loan (a week now, and still no word on that), and I was at a loss.
All of this, rent past due by more than two weeks, work missed consistently due to the pain I can't control. Drugs that barely keep it in line.
I'm finally getting on track for this stuff too. Home Agent is now a "when" thing, no longer an "if" thing. However, if I don't have a home to work out of, it is exceptionally difficult to accept such a position.
Every time I enter into a situation like this, something happens. Last minute, on the point of utter Ruin. Something to pull me back from the brink of it all. It always happens, so last minute you never even see it coming.
Someone, or Something, is watching over me. It is all I could ever really determine, because I don't know how else to apply it to my life.
I believe in Gods, Higher Powers.... Not singular, Plural. I believe there is more out there, and it is things like this, actions like this, which tend to strengthen that kind of belief, which make me truly think, "Someone is looking out for me."
Sarah has, somehow, someway, gleaned access to the funds she said she would procure to pay back her time here.
I have rent now. I have my bills paid now. I can start to remove my debt.
I very rarely accept outside help, until things get desperate to the point that I am seeking out family I've avoided for more than two years, and then this happens. Something to aid, to pull me back from that brink. Which is thankful she was able to.
I'm not all the way back, not yet. However it can get there... Close.
-------------------------------------------------
On a final note... I'm working part time now. Something I've turned down in the past, refused to do due to the complications, the lack of true finances involved with it, and that part-time hours can't pay rent, or bills, even after a full month of it.
The reasoning behind this, is that part time puts me into work four days a week, later in the day than normal, and does it in such a fashion that I have a day on, and a day off, consistently. It also works as some minor saving grace until I can get Home Agent and be full time under my own terms, in my own home.
To the question of a relationship... Married people spend entire days away from each other in the same Home... Loving each other all the more as they lay in bed after the day ebbs... To be apart and do our own thing stops us from stifling each other, even if what we do is so close to the other.
To my world as it stands... I love her, and no amount of T.V., arguments, or time apart, will change that.
Peace out,
The Zodiak.
Monday, May 4, 2009
In Sickness and in Health
There's been so much on my mind, that I can't really even spark to speak of all of it in such a short amount of time before work.
To be frank, I'm not sure where to even start. Though I suppose since it's already mentioned... Work.
Which leads to the pain I've suffered from for the past 7 - 8 years, when I tore my back out poorly lifting an air compressor from the front step into house (roughly an 18" rise)... My back was in agony for the next weeks, compounded by me having to crawl in and out of the back of my father's truck, a narrow thing that you near need to dive into, and crunch your back in an awkward, painful semblance of contortionism in order to even get in.
Seven months ago, when helping a friend move, I pulled it back out of slot. Since then, the pain has been near unbearable. Fleeting at times, but when present, something to make me want to crawl under a rock and whimper until it fades.
This pain has caused me to miss so much time at work, caused to be late, caused me to fuck up between pain and stress on the job, that it is getting to be too much. They're either going to fire me, or I'm going to be forced into medical leave until I have the pain under control.
The doctor offered a different solution, that of home agent, which may or may not ever come to fruition.... I can't say for certain what the results will be in the end for any of this. The pain comes and goes, I'm fine two days, then in wracking pain for another three, pain I can barely numb with the pain killers the doctor throws at me.
I'll likely have my meeting with Rebecca today or tomorrow, going over my shawdy attendance records, my poor truancy issues. Threats to fire me will be tossed out, medical documentation will be pointed to that they shouldn't be able to at this point, and with luck, the doctor's idea of Home Agent will be discussed.
-------------------------------
I haven't called my father since the day I went to dinner with my sister. He called me once, two or three weeks ago. I can't help but think, at this time in his life, I should be taking the initiative, calling him, speaking with him. If I let life fall through the cracks, it's going to bite me in the ass from behind.
I haven't had much dealing with any of my family in so long, no desire to, no time to, no ability to until this situation with dad came up.
Now I have too many numbers in my phone, and no long distance or time to use them. My credit on my phone is near used up. After this month I'll have to start paying them again. Not a welcome experience considering I'm still behind on my cable and hydro, and half a month late on my rent, and still missing time at work, no matter how I try not to.
I suppose I need to force the effort. Call some afternoon on a day off. Unlike with Shaun, my father no longer works. I can reach him any time one would think.
---------------------------
Sarah.....
So many doubts, insecurities, issues. So many petty arguments stemming from the same thing, the same person.
Two different, but very similar people, in a relationship of chance, with two very different ways of dealing with things. One whom would abandon life itself for the person they were with, due to a false sense of self worth, and one whom would abandon the person in their life for those outside of it, reliant on the comfort of friends.
It's that manner of dealing with things which will always clash, always cause problems, always be the wall in the way of happiness. Either I accept, and change, or she changes. We've both changed, compromised, and molded into new people to fit this relationship, asking to change the small things is one thing, to change something bigger, is not reasonable to do... Where is the compromise in my paranoia and her feelings?
She tells me she will never cheat on me. I believe her, and I trust that.
I want to trust that anyways. There's always that inkling in me that tells me otherwise, that tells me there are unique situations, there are points that things happen out of our control.
She tells me that no matter how I wish it, she will always love, always lust, after Andrew, that her feelings do not fade.
I don't want to believe that, because that simple fact alone tells me, in the right(wrong) place, at the right(wrong) time... Something could happen that would cause her to to go against her word to cheat on me.
Situations like this are rare, they are something that doesn't happen very often in a life time. However they are situations which can happen. If she and I have a massive argument, if I lose my temper, hit the wall, scare her, she'll leave, go where she "feels safer" and that, I can only assume, will be to Andrew. Whether we work out the argument or not, it would be a day, or longer, in comforting her, something could slip, some action, that in fear is reciprocated. The alligning of the stars so to speak. That is my fear.
If she gets news of her daughter, truly negative, irrevocable news of Demmy... While I'm at work, or not at home... It's not something she can "wait" for comfort for, again she would end up turning to Andrew, and in his effort to comfort her, something might happen that will be unintentional at the time.
Those are my fears, burning deep inside of me, and as much as I know, realize, and understand they are pointless fears, useless accusations, and try to push myself into something I'm truly not sure I am capable of in the long run... I don't want her to be gone.
I'm pushing myself to change, or at least accept, what may in the end be inevitable, or may in the end, never happen. I'm pushing myself to try and trust her again in order to keep her with me. My paranoia, jealousy, possessiveness, founded or unfounded, shouldn't be something shown, but as in the past, hidden and kept locked inside.
It's ironic that these same emotions which she answered with, "they show passion and that you can feel" when we first got together, now are answered with, "you're pushing me away when you act like this."
-----------------------------
World of Warcraft is fun.
It can, at times, feel pointless, or even boring. I'm reminded too much of Diablo II grinding when I play WoW sometimes. I want to quest, I want to play the game. She wants to get dungeon runs, and whether she can, or can't get a dungeon run, decides who she wants to play.
Such a strange change from the original stand point from her that she wanted just to quest. I'm not sure what changed her mind. Perhaps that we do half the quests in a given zone before they all turn grey, maybe the fact that dungeon runs are faster, easier, and offer twice, or triple, the progression of questing does...
But I now have all but two characters on my enter account at level 30 or higher. Every single character that I'm "playing" has the capability to get their mount. The two that don't, are the toss away character that runs with her, and the bank toon which has to still start the bank at some point.
As we get up there in levels though, dungeon runs are more problematic, more of an issue, they take longer, and the dungeons themselves yield less of what is usefull, and more useless.
So perhaps with some patience, and some levelling, we'll end up questing in zones familiar to me, instead of dungeons with nothing of interest.
Now I go to work, and twenty minutes of writing, which still isn't all that is on my mind, is up for your eyes.
Suppose I'll see how today goes. I hurt.... But thankfully it's not as severe as it is some days.
C'est La Vie...
The Zodiak.
To be frank, I'm not sure where to even start. Though I suppose since it's already mentioned... Work.
Which leads to the pain I've suffered from for the past 7 - 8 years, when I tore my back out poorly lifting an air compressor from the front step into house (roughly an 18" rise)... My back was in agony for the next weeks, compounded by me having to crawl in and out of the back of my father's truck, a narrow thing that you near need to dive into, and crunch your back in an awkward, painful semblance of contortionism in order to even get in.
Seven months ago, when helping a friend move, I pulled it back out of slot. Since then, the pain has been near unbearable. Fleeting at times, but when present, something to make me want to crawl under a rock and whimper until it fades.
This pain has caused me to miss so much time at work, caused to be late, caused me to fuck up between pain and stress on the job, that it is getting to be too much. They're either going to fire me, or I'm going to be forced into medical leave until I have the pain under control.
The doctor offered a different solution, that of home agent, which may or may not ever come to fruition.... I can't say for certain what the results will be in the end for any of this. The pain comes and goes, I'm fine two days, then in wracking pain for another three, pain I can barely numb with the pain killers the doctor throws at me.
I'll likely have my meeting with Rebecca today or tomorrow, going over my shawdy attendance records, my poor truancy issues. Threats to fire me will be tossed out, medical documentation will be pointed to that they shouldn't be able to at this point, and with luck, the doctor's idea of Home Agent will be discussed.
-------------------------------
I haven't called my father since the day I went to dinner with my sister. He called me once, two or three weeks ago. I can't help but think, at this time in his life, I should be taking the initiative, calling him, speaking with him. If I let life fall through the cracks, it's going to bite me in the ass from behind.
I haven't had much dealing with any of my family in so long, no desire to, no time to, no ability to until this situation with dad came up.
Now I have too many numbers in my phone, and no long distance or time to use them. My credit on my phone is near used up. After this month I'll have to start paying them again. Not a welcome experience considering I'm still behind on my cable and hydro, and half a month late on my rent, and still missing time at work, no matter how I try not to.
I suppose I need to force the effort. Call some afternoon on a day off. Unlike with Shaun, my father no longer works. I can reach him any time one would think.
---------------------------
Sarah.....
So many doubts, insecurities, issues. So many petty arguments stemming from the same thing, the same person.
Two different, but very similar people, in a relationship of chance, with two very different ways of dealing with things. One whom would abandon life itself for the person they were with, due to a false sense of self worth, and one whom would abandon the person in their life for those outside of it, reliant on the comfort of friends.
It's that manner of dealing with things which will always clash, always cause problems, always be the wall in the way of happiness. Either I accept, and change, or she changes. We've both changed, compromised, and molded into new people to fit this relationship, asking to change the small things is one thing, to change something bigger, is not reasonable to do... Where is the compromise in my paranoia and her feelings?
She tells me she will never cheat on me. I believe her, and I trust that.
I want to trust that anyways. There's always that inkling in me that tells me otherwise, that tells me there are unique situations, there are points that things happen out of our control.
She tells me that no matter how I wish it, she will always love, always lust, after Andrew, that her feelings do not fade.
I don't want to believe that, because that simple fact alone tells me, in the right(wrong) place, at the right(wrong) time... Something could happen that would cause her to to go against her word to cheat on me.
Situations like this are rare, they are something that doesn't happen very often in a life time. However they are situations which can happen. If she and I have a massive argument, if I lose my temper, hit the wall, scare her, she'll leave, go where she "feels safer" and that, I can only assume, will be to Andrew. Whether we work out the argument or not, it would be a day, or longer, in comforting her, something could slip, some action, that in fear is reciprocated. The alligning of the stars so to speak. That is my fear.
If she gets news of her daughter, truly negative, irrevocable news of Demmy... While I'm at work, or not at home... It's not something she can "wait" for comfort for, again she would end up turning to Andrew, and in his effort to comfort her, something might happen that will be unintentional at the time.
Those are my fears, burning deep inside of me, and as much as I know, realize, and understand they are pointless fears, useless accusations, and try to push myself into something I'm truly not sure I am capable of in the long run... I don't want her to be gone.
I'm pushing myself to change, or at least accept, what may in the end be inevitable, or may in the end, never happen. I'm pushing myself to try and trust her again in order to keep her with me. My paranoia, jealousy, possessiveness, founded or unfounded, shouldn't be something shown, but as in the past, hidden and kept locked inside.
It's ironic that these same emotions which she answered with, "they show passion and that you can feel" when we first got together, now are answered with, "you're pushing me away when you act like this."
-----------------------------
World of Warcraft is fun.
It can, at times, feel pointless, or even boring. I'm reminded too much of Diablo II grinding when I play WoW sometimes. I want to quest, I want to play the game. She wants to get dungeon runs, and whether she can, or can't get a dungeon run, decides who she wants to play.
Such a strange change from the original stand point from her that she wanted just to quest. I'm not sure what changed her mind. Perhaps that we do half the quests in a given zone before they all turn grey, maybe the fact that dungeon runs are faster, easier, and offer twice, or triple, the progression of questing does...
But I now have all but two characters on my enter account at level 30 or higher. Every single character that I'm "playing" has the capability to get their mount. The two that don't, are the toss away character that runs with her, and the bank toon which has to still start the bank at some point.
As we get up there in levels though, dungeon runs are more problematic, more of an issue, they take longer, and the dungeons themselves yield less of what is usefull, and more useless.
So perhaps with some patience, and some levelling, we'll end up questing in zones familiar to me, instead of dungeons with nothing of interest.
Now I go to work, and twenty minutes of writing, which still isn't all that is on my mind, is up for your eyes.
Suppose I'll see how today goes. I hurt.... But thankfully it's not as severe as it is some days.
C'est La Vie...
The Zodiak.
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