As True Now as it Was Then

I'm an asshole.

Yeah, its a repeat theme of my ever present rants. I find it amusing that some people will deny that I am, yet don't hesitate to call me mean, or cruel, or insensitive. I wonder when it will actually click that the summary of all of those flaws, is to be an asshole.

So Sarah has moved in, piccola. She managed, within 24 hours, to make my bio hazard of a kitchen, livable once more... She also made the god of all desserts.... Whoever thought of combining brownies with cheesecake, should be heralded as a god.

Now admittedly, things have been unique, having someone share my bed again, even without sex, is something I'm still not quite used to, that and I have slips in control, which leads to various.... things.... which in turn cause frustration.

The amusing thing to these things, and my self control slips, as well as the whole situation, is that Gerry, noble, strong, atypical Gerry, who tells me not to have sex with her, because its not long term, and he wants me to actually settle, as opposed to quick flings of questionable integrity.... Is now saying to jump her bones. To pounce and ravage her body... The turning point of his stance? It occured to him, that self-gratification while someone else is in the residence, is made difficult. So the loss of such an integral part of being a male, has turned Gerry around for my own health... Or so he says.

In truth, I think he just wants to rub it in my face at a later date to say, "See? I told you that you would do it!"... If something happens, though, it will be on my terms, my decision, and arrived at just as the previous decision -not- to do anything was arrived at... Which is to say, looking at the reasons behind it, and the outcome, and using that as a jumping point for the facts.

Things have changed, however not enough for me to jump all over the prospect of sex. Which now has my mind working over the Clinton argument... "I puffed, but I didn't inhale."... Which is to say, I fingered, but I didn't fuck.

And fooling around, second or third base type of thing, groping petting, etc, isn't sex, nor is it excessively sexual, until someone climaxes... In which case, things get dicey on definition. By Bill Clinton's argument, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." despite the fact oral sex was involved.

So with that in mind, does oral sex, or heavy petting with climax, count as sexual involvement? How many hairs do I want to split to hold to my word? Not many, actually. I more think if I started something sexual, if the responses matched the actions, I'd go through with it.

What it comes down to, is I made a decision, this decision was based on my pride and integrity, the fact that yes, I'm a whore, but I am a whore with character. I don't sell myself short, nor do I put out needlessly. I have a strong self control, even if my body doesn't always realize it.

Hard to control how the body reacts, though if I do become aroused, I can tend to push it down to nothing with a few minutes of concentrated breathing. Irrelevent though, in the end.

So we'll see what happens with everything in the end, over all, as I consider, contemplate, and work through my mental anguish.... Ok, anguish is a strong word, but Mental Pinpricks just doesn't sound as dramatic. Dear god, I'm starting to emulate House... "Well, then why didn't you say that in the first place?" "Because it doesn't sound as cool."

Sarah is trying to antagonize me into gaming. Poking at me, and accusing me of not being a true gamer. I'm a gamer, I'm just retired.... Or perhaps am merely on hiatus, vacation, break.... Most games don't catch my interest, and even those that do, is a brief grab for my attentions before I get distracted.

I've brought up the possibility of Adult ADD to my doctor, and even as I do, I disregard it, because as much as I meet several of the symptoms, I also have too much concentration when I do find something of interest.

I have also determined that sleeping by the wall deters sexual interest... I am ambidextrous, true, however, my right hand is still my primary, and as such, is the hand that "has all the moves" so to speak... So that means being on my left side, not my right, which is what happens when I'm against the wall.

Ah well.... Roleplay is keeping me vaguely entertained. I did my first spar in more then two years (May 2006 was my last judged spar)... I got my ass kicked by a killing blow. It was rather clever, and the speed and bluntness of it, coupled with my disuse of the sparring system, had me wide open for the attack. I thought I had made the defense well enough, I was wrong.

Saturday had me waking up to wanting to disembowel Highland Laird, the Second in Command of the Place I call Home.... This came from shortly after waking up, I had room posts on my msn.... posts which were of a storyline, a storyteller side set of posts of me, and NPCs I created, in an attack on 4 men.

I wasn't in the room, but my character was being used. I hit the fucking roof.... Tore HL a new asshole, and told him if he ever did it again, we'd have a problem.... He made a snappy remark back, that wasn't too snappy, and would have been more stylish had he used the comeback dribbling down his chin.

He came back and appologized eventually. All the better. I'll feel better about the whole thing when I take him in for a spar and hand him his ass.

My problem with the spar system nowadays, is it seems people have turned into Gumbi.... Twisting and turning, and doing stuff that doesn't seem healthy.... Little descriptions, that when not there, are seen anyways, and when they are there, make the subtle motion seem monstrous.... "I turned to my left, bring my blade into right to left swing, with the blade tilting forward to go over and behind your shield face and open up your chest" is simple enough... And easy to read.... however... "I turned to my left, torso twisting to face my left side, as I brought my blade in a right to left slash, fulcruming it along the upper edge of your shield, wrist twisting, turning the blade downwards as I made a counter clockwise cut" is elaborate, and the twis.... ok, fuck off, that's a bad example, cuz I'm too clear in my descriptions.... But the idea is, over complicating the description is a pain which should be punishable by cybering a 2 lining slave.

Anyways... I need more sparring practice, will take my time, go bit by bit, and savor the roleplay. Or potentially savor the roleplay, anyways. I'm still a lil off on what I can and can't do. However as time passes I get better with that.

So that is everything for the moment, as time passes though, and I am deeper into roleplay, I find myself, my mind, and my old mannerisms coming back. Its almost nice, if it weren't so dangerous.

Safe Roads,

The Zodiak.