Dark mind, Darker thoughts

Right to the core of things.

I've loved a woman for over 12 years, she was the first woman I ever loved, and the only woman I ever broke up with. Darcy has been the biggest "what if" in my life for a very long time, for, well, nigh on 11 years when we broke up.

She's likely been the root of a lot of my commitment issues, that any woman I'm ever with, is compared to the perfection I see in Darcy, the beauty, intelligence, wit, sexuality, so on so forth. Except that Darcy is my dream girl, and who can ever compare to a dream?

Darcy has been back in my life for almost three years now, coming out of nowhere, a blast from the past, and in my life, talking, chatting, and friends. Just, friends. She's engaged, she's in another province, she has her own life to lead. Friends. Though even that has never changed my feelings for her.

I'm not sure if I'm special, or unique, or if she went to several people for comfort, or if I was convenient, or if she actually chose me over others... But a tragedy struck her life over the weekend, and she called me. I was there for her, dropped everything I was doing to speak with her, talk to her, comfort her, console her as I could. I let her know I am always there for her, and always will be.

Perhaps that is what happened last night, that she decided to take advantage of that, though I wasn't the first person she told, she had been drinking with someone else, and with her sister as well... But she called me. Her and her fiance broke up. She's single.

See that? Mind blown, right there. I'm torn between doing the -right- thing, and being there for her, just talking, letting her know I am here, and being a supportive friend, and dropping my entire world, my entire life, and going to her. Going to another province, starting another life, and taking what I've wanted for a decade or more.

So far, I'm holding to the good and proper, and decent thing to do. Truth be told, it's better at the moment to do it that way, as I know where that leads.

Someone asked me last night, what I intended to do about it, when I knew that Darcy was quite possibly the root of my commitment issues, and I was three solutions. The obvious being that I continue as I am, and die alone and miserable, or less obvious, Darcy and I could be together, and live happily ever after, or we could be together, the dream and fantasy will shatter, and we'll break up and I'll move on and live as I should live.

Of course, of those three options, I see the first being the far more likely. And then people wonder why I tried to kill myself. My future holds such amazing prospects, doesn't it?

I've taken today to myself. To meditate, to recenter myself. As I have to recenter after the 3am phone call from her telling me she and he broke up.

Other events... I have friends. Actual friends, not mere acquaintances... I've been spending a fair amount of time hanging out with Travis and Kait, going over to their place, them coming here, going to the mall, mostly their place, video games, tv, drinking, relaxing, sparring (busted my hand to shit on sunday sparring with him... it's just starting to heal, still a lil stiff), and just plain shooting the shit.

I say that I have actual friends, because it isn't merely me poking them saying, "wanna hang out? what are you up to? wanna do stuff?" it's both ways... They ask what I'm up to as much as I do, and they invite me over, ask to come over, want to hang out as often.

It's a rather great feeling as opposed to being avoided or side stepped, or vaguely tolerated even when you do hang out with people you think are your friends. I'm an abrasive person at times, and that is just plain standard in truth. However, that is life, and not everyone can stand me when I'm abrasive in that form.

There's not a lot else to share... It seems I'll be getting a hedgehog for a pet sometime in mid-late august. Which is utterly awesome. Though it's going to cinch my wallet a lil bit for the month, however I'm getting used to that, and I need the companionship for the solo time that I'm here, something to keep my company, to talk to, to hear my inner most thoughts when no one else should, could, or would.

Life is going in an interesting direction, and I hope that it can find a more appropriate path, though so far, so good.

Cheers.